Perfect Princess Read online

  GRACE KELLY

  by Tina Hakim Baba, high-school romance expert and daughter of a supermodel and Arab sheik

  [with commentary by Princess Mia]

  Grace Kelly was this totally beautiful movie star in the fifties who was rich and famous in her own right when she went to the small principality of Monaco to film a movie called To Catch a Thief. While she was there, she met the prince of Monaco (being a principality much like Genovia, Monaco is ruled by a prince or princess instead of a king or queen).

  Prince Rainier III was instantly smitten by Grace’s beauty and charm, and asked her to be his bride. Grace agreed, and while it’s true she only made one more movie after that, you have to ask yourself: Would you? I mean, if you’d found your handsome prince at last, would you keep slogging away at the acting thing, constantly having to watch what you eat so you can squeeze into the tiny dresses inflicted on you by the costume department, and eating stale tuna-fish sandwiches from Craft Services? When you could lounge around in a caftan by the pool and eat all the Häagen-Dazs you wanted?

  I thought as much.

  [Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier had three kids together. You can read about two of them on page 31. The third one, Prince Albert, was at last reporting still available and looking for his princess. But I haven’t given Tina his e-mail address because he is too old for her. And besides, she is saving herself for Prince William.]

  Tina’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Grace: Wear large, dark glasses and a filmy scarf over your hair next time you go out in public. People will totally wonder who the mysterious beauty is, standing in line behind them at Blockbuster.

  DIANA, PRINCESS OF WALES

  Lady Diana Spencer was just a shy girl of nineteen when she agreed to marry Prince Charles, the heir to the British throne, who was twelve years her senior. But she soon overcame that shyness, blossoming into one of the most beautiful women in the world, becoming a fashion trendsetter and a muse for designers such as Bill Blass and Valentino. She also became a spokeswoman for causes including AIDS and landmine reform, which seeks to remove unexploded land-mines from war-torn areas such as Chad. Diana was, in fact, the first member of the British royal family to publicly embrace an HIV-positive hospital patient.

  While sadly, Charles and Diana’s marriage didn’t last, they remained fiercely supportive of their sons, Princes William and Harry, two of the finest-looking male specimens ever to walk the planet, and one of whom I am going to marry, if there is any justice at all in this world.

  [I have explained and explained to Tina, until I was blue in the face, practically, that being a princess is not all it’s cracked up to be. But will she listen? No. I have also pointed out that even if she does marry William, she will never be queen, because she is not a British citizen and doesn’t even know what toad-in-the-hole is. She says she doesn’t care, when William is king he can change the rules to make her queen if he wants to.

  She does have a point there. And better Queen Tina than Queen Britney, is all I have to say. Although, of course, I secretly like Britney so I wouldn’t actually mind her being queen. In fact, it would be kind of cool. Especially, you know, if she wore short shorts to Ascot.]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Diana: Adopt a cause about which you feel strongly. Educate your friends about it, and enlist their support, as well. Remember: To think globally, you have to act locally. Every little bit helps (P.S. from Tina: You might meet cute guys this way, if you pick a cause boys like, such as one involving comic books or video games).

  QUEEN NOOR

  Queen Noor was born Lisa Najeeb Halaby. She didn’t become a royal until she married King Hussein of Jordan in1978. Since then—even though her husband died and she isn’t even the official queen anymore—Noor has worked hard to address issues of education, women and children’s welfare, human rights, environmental and architectural conservation, and urban planning not just in Jordan, but, working with the UN, globally as well. Queen Noor is also active in trying to combat “honor killings” in Jordan—where girls’ fathers or brothers kill them (!!!!) for “shaming” the family in ways that here in America would not even raise an eyebrow, such as going to the movies with a boy or whatever. Queen Noor is my total role model, and when I grow up I want to be just like her. Except I want hair like Shakira’s.

  [Plus, Queen Noor manages to do all this while looking like a model. Not that looking like a model is so important. Except that it helps spread the word about your causes when you just happen to be stylish enough to be on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar or People.]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Noor: You don’t have to wear combat boots or pierce parts of your face to show that you are part of the counterculture. It’s even more subversive to try to look as polished and professional as you can, and just when people are lulled into a false sense of complacency, hit them with your cool plan for raising awareness of the plight of the sea turtle or whatever.

  CINDERELLA

  Everybody knows the story of Cinderella, the poor “cinder-wench” who was forced by her evil stepmother to clean the chimney hearth rather than attend a palace ball. Cindy got her back, though, by summoning a fairy godmother who outfitted her in glass slippers (maybe not the wisest choice in footwear, but pretty!) and a coach made out of a pumpkin. Then off Cindy went, in her glass shoes and harvest-vegetable-transport, to the palace, where she won the heart of the prince she would eventually marry, after he tracked her down again (via the glass shoe)!

  It would be crazy to think Cinderella missed her own chimney-cleaning days. Of course she loved living in the palace, and I’ll bet anything she and the prince became a much beloved king and queen. If that’s not happily ever after, I don’t know what is.

  [In the Disney version of this story, talking mice and birds help Cinderella make her dress for the ball, and she forgives both her stepmother and her stepsisters in the end. In the original version by the Brothers Grimm, however, those birds peck out the eyes of the evil stepmother and stepsisters. Wouldn’t it have been AWESOME if they’d included that in the Disney version? Not that I can stand the sight of blood… even cartoon blood. Still, it would have been cool to watch, you know, while the credits were rolling or whatever.]

  Tina’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Cindy: You too can be the belle of the ball! Instead of shopping for your next prom dress at the local mall, try a vintage clothing store, or your local thrift shop. Not only can you find great bargains, but you can be assured that no one will be wearing your exact same dress! You will be a true original.

  BEAUTY FROM

  BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

  The daughter of nonroyals, Beauty (which is Belle in French and in the Disney movie) is a bookish but undeniably attractive girl who, when a hideous monster threatens to keep her father captive in an enchanted castle, offers to be taken captive in his place. For her self-sacrifice, Belle is rewarded with her life, which the monster spares. She gets to hang out in this beautiful palace with all these new clothes that fit perfectly and read romance novels all day. Enchanted kitchenware even brings her her meals! She never even has to get up… except maybe when the Beast asks her to dance, which he does, frequently. Everything is going along just great, when Belle gets a vision that her dad is in trouble, and she has to go back home and save him. Poor Beast nearly dies of loneliness without her. Plus a whole bunch of mean villagers come along and want to kill him (in the Disney version).

  Fortunately Belle comes back to the enchanted castle and confesses her love for the Beast and kisses him and breaks the spell. He stops being a Beast, and turns back into a handsome prince.* You just know that he and Belle are happy together for the rest of their lives, because they’ve both learned what it’s like to almost lose the thing you hold most dear in the whole world.**

  [*This is the worst part of the whole story, if you ask me. Why couldn’t he have stayed a beast? It is always so disappointing wh
en the Beast turns into the Prince, because who wants a smoothie Prince, when you can have a big hairy Beast? That’s like choosing Cyclops over Wolverine, and who in their right mind would do that (except for Jean Grey)? Anyway, the whole thing ends up being a pretty raw deal for Belle, if you ask me.]

  [**In spite of my dissatisfaction with the way it ends, this is the best fairy tale of all time. Lilly says it is based on the old Roman myth of Cupid and Psyche, or possibly the Greek myth of Persephone and Hades, and that its subtext is all about S-E-X. I don’t care what it’s based on or what the subtext is. It RULES. The Beast is SO HOT—especially when he is bossing Belle around, and she stands up to him like the little spitfire she is.]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Belle: Give that ugly guy in your Bio class a second look. Yeah, he might tuck his sweater into his pants and wear a retainer… but when he takes it out, he might be a totally excellent kisser! It’s just like Mrs. Potts says: There may be something there that wasn’t there before.

  CLARISSE,

  DOWAGER PRINCESS OF GENOVIA

  Clarisse Renaldo, nee Grimaldi, was just a carefree young debutante—educated in the finest finishing schools in Europe, and garbed in only the most flattering creations of top designers of the era, such as Givenchy and Dior—when she caught the eye of the handsome prince of Genovia one night at a ball given in his honor. Instantly smitten, the prince pursued Clarisse relentlessly, but she would have nothing to do with him, for Clarisse had aspirations of her own, and they had nothing to do with marriage and motherhood. No. Clarisse— though she had never admitted as much to her staid mother and father—wanted a career… a career on the stage! Not since Sarah Bernhardt had the world seen such an actress as Clarisse… or so she had been assured by all of her finishing-school chums, after she starred as Yum-Yum in the school’s version of The Mikado.

  It was only when Clarisse’s mother pointed out that in order to be an actress, Clarisse would have to move to America, most specifically Hollywood, that the young princess-to-be knew her dream would never be realized… because while Clarisse would gladly live in Paris or New York, nothing in the world would ever induce her to move to Los Angeles. And so she accepted the young prince’s proposal and became Genovia’s most beautiful—and charismatic—princess of all time.

  [I can’t believe Grandmère managed to weasel her way into this section. And that she convinced Tina she wanted to be an actress. She told ME she wanted to be a brain surgeon.]

  Tina’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Clarisse: Go to the animal shelter and adopt a small stray dog. Take it with you everywhere dogs are allowed. In places where dogs are not allowed, take your canine friend anyway, hidden in a large chic purse.

  IV.

  A Note from

  Her Royal Highness Princess Mia

  Sad but true: some of the world’s greatest leaders have been overlooked by historians, simply because they happened to have been born lacking a Y chromosome! Look at Lady Jane Grey: she was queen of England until she was beheaded for treason,* but does anybody ever hear about Queen Jane? No! Even the movie they made about her was called Lady Jane.

  And okay, maybe it’s because Jane was only queen for nine days, and that’s not a whole lot of time to make sweeping social change. But they could still give the girl her props. I mean, she was a queen!

  I’m just saying, we hear a lot about the men who ruled the throne, but not so much about the ladies. So here are some women who ruled not only wisely but well, and what we can learn from their triumphs as well as their mistakes.

  CLEOPATRA

  by Lilly Moscovitz, Best Friend to Princess Mia, and writer, producer, and director of Lilly Tells It Like It Is.

  [with comments by Princess Mia]

  Cleopatra, the last of the Egyptian monarchs before Egypt was overtaken by the Romans, is perhaps best known for her memorable introduction to Julius Caesar. Always one to make a big impression, Cleo arrived at Julius’s house rolled up in a carpet, from which she was dramatically revealed by Nubian slaves. In this way, Cleopatra was a lot like one of our modern-day pop princesses, Britney Spears, who once showed up at the MTV Video Music awards wearing little more than a five-foot banana snake around her neck.

  It is doubtful however that Britney could have manipulated her boyfriends as skillfully as Cleopatra did (I mean, look at how messy her breakup with Justin turned out to be). Cleopatra’s relationship with Marc Antony (after she dumped Julius) kept her, for many years, the most powerful woman in the world.

  What is not generally remembered about the queen of the Nile was her fluency in nine languages, her skill at mathematics and military strategy, and her devotion to her country. Her profile graced the coins of not just Egypt but the Roman denarii as well, and circulated throughout the Mediterranean. It is unlikely the same will ever be said of Britney. Cleopatra truly was, as she considered herself, the New Isis, achieving in death by asp—Cleopatra chose to take her own life rather than become enslaved by her enemies—true immortality, according to the Egyptian religion.

  [An asp, for those of you who don’t get Animal Planet, is a poisonous snake. And how cool would it be if money had Britney Spears’s picture on it? Like, if Britney were on the five-dollar bill? That would make buying things so much more fun!

  Although really, if you think about it, Cleopatra is more like the J. Lo of the ancient world. I mean, J. Lo’s likeness is on just about as much stuff. Let’s just hope her luck with boys turns out better, you know, than poor Cleo’s.]

  Lilly’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Cleo: Make a big entrance at YOUR next party or school event. You don’t have to roll yourself up in a carpet (dusty and impractical). But you CAN stride confidently through the doors, as if you own the place. Soon people will be looking up to YOU as the queen of the Nile.

  ELEANOR OF AQUITAINE

  Though she married King Louis VII of France at the age of fifteen, wealthy and intelligent Eleanor of Aquitaine wasn’t content to sit at home embroidering tapestries. When the Second Crusade rolled around, Eleanor dressed up in armor and with three hundred of her ladies-in-waiting in attendance, descended upon the city of Antioch, where she pledged to help tend to the wounded.

  A military strategist at heart, Eleanor disagreed with her husband’s objective of reaching Jerusalem. This is not unlike my own mother, who frequently disagrees with my father when he opts to take Route 130 instead of the Turnpike when we are headed to the Jersey shore for a weekend of familial bonding. Unlike my mother, however, when Eleanor’s husband, as she predicted, failed to reach his goal, she got the church to end their marriage by granting her an annulment. My own mother just gloats.

  Eleanor enjoyed immense popularity throughout Europe for having invented the idea of the “art of courtly love”—proper courting techniques, which she insisted her knights use whilst wooing their ladies. Her second husband, Henry, who was not exactly faithful, could have used some lessons in the art of courtly love…. It might have spared him his wife leading his own children in a rebellion against him, causing Henry to imprison her for fifteen years… much like what the Donald did to Ivana over the whole Marla Maples thing. Only Ivana’s prison was the Plaza.

  Don’t worry, though. Eleanor got her revenge on all of her enemies by outliving them, dying a very rich, very happy old lady.

  [One thing Eleanor made popular in her court was picking lice out of her lover’s hair, then putting it in a locket and wearing it around her neck, as sort of proof that you were allowed close enough to the owner of the lice to pick it from his hair. I kid you not. Thank God today we just use sticky cameras.]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Eleanor: Compose a love sonnet dedicated to the object of your affections. You probably shouldn’t show it to him, though. He might run from you like a startled fawn, alarmed by the strength of your ardor.

  PRINCESS ARIEL

  Contrary to what Mia thinks, I
don’t mean Princess Ariel the mermaid: I mean Thundarr the Barbarian’s friend—or possibly girlfriend. We will probably never know the true status of Ariel and Thundarr’s relationship, because this excellent animated series was canceled in its prime. Also I don’t believe either Thundarr or Ariel was really all that into labeling their relationship—you know, boyfriend/girlfriend versus just friends. Ariel was too busy traveling around post-apocalyptic Earth in a sparkly unitard, helping Thundarr and his mutant friend Ookla right wrongs done by evil warlords, and Thundarr was… well, too busy being Thundarr.

  Ariel wasn’t just a princess, either. She was a sorceress, too, who had special magic bracelets that aided her in correcting the deviant behavior of evildoers (too bad the NYPD can’t get their hands on a pair of those). The power source for these bracelets has long been a source of debate among fans of the ’toon. However, intensive research (a Thundarr marathon on the Cartoon Network) reveals that the bracelets were most likely powered by some force within Ariel herself. Whether her sorcery was Wiccan in origin or perhaps something she came across while rooting through some old twenty-first-century stuff—an old Tony Robbins video, perhaps—will probably remain a mystery forever… which of course only makes Princess Ariel more compelling. “Ariel! Ookla! Ride!”