Perfect Princess Read online

  [Plus, you know, seeing as how a comet had split the moon in half, causing Armageddon back on Earth, Ariel was the last princess on the planet. It was a LOT of responsibility. Props to her for dealing with it so bravely, and for all that running around, even when she had her period and probably wanted to do nothing more than curl up with a copy of Cosmo and a cup of Swiss Miss sugar-free cocoa with mini-marshmallows.]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Ariel: Buy a necklace, ring, or bracelet (or use one you already own) as your personal talisman, and wear it every single day. If people ask you why you wear it, look mysterious and don’t answer. Soon the object will take on mystical properties and give you power beyond your imagination. Or not.

  ELIZABETH I

  The Virgin Queen (although if you believe the Cate Blanchett movie made about her, she wasn’t as virginal as all that) gave her name to what was arguably the most colorful and magnificent era in English history. It is interesting that a woman whose father, Henry VIII, had his own wife—Elizabeth’s mother, Anne Boleyn— beheaded would prove to be such a level-headed and effective leader. One would have thought Elizabeth would at the very least have developed borderline personality disorder or antisocial tendencies, but she managed not to fall into the trap of victimhood and simply grew up with a firm resolve never to marry (who can blame her?).

  The Elizabethan Age brought with it not just a renaissance in art and music, but also Sidney, Ralegh, and of course, the Bard himself, William Shakespeare. Not to mention Sir Francis Drake, explorer extraordinaire. England’s golden age took place during the latter part of Elizabeth’s reign. Sir Francis Bacon was one of the queen’s lawyers, and Edmund Spenser wrote “The Fairie Queene” in her honor during this time. Although the queen often hinted she would marry in order to form pacts and allegiances with other countries, she never did, and while some might find the reluctance of one of the most powerful women in the world to marry neurotic, I find her aversion to the matrimonial state understandable, given the example set by her own parents’ marriage.

  [And of course—perhaps most compelling of all— Elizabethan England was the backdrop for one of the most important cultural events of our time… the movie Shakespeare in Love! Which proved flat-chested girls can get guys too!!!!! And who can forget Dame Judi Dench’s portrayal of Elizabeth I, in her stiff collar and white face-paint (face-paint that, it was later revealed, was lead based, causing the skin of her face to peel and crack—Queen Elizabeth’s, not Dame Judi Dench’s)? And what about all those scenes where Will had his shirt off? Two thumbs way up for Queen Elizabeth!]

  Lilly’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Elizabeth I: Write and then perform a one-woman play about yourself and your closest friends. Invite them to see it. Serve refreshments afterward, to ward off any hard feelings.

  AURA

  Queen Elizabeth I was not the only royal with a pronounced Electra complex. Princess Aura, the daughter of Ming the Merciless (better known as Flash Gordon’s mortal enemy) spent most of her time—pre-arrival of Flash—in the palace lounging around in sparkly halter tops, trying to get her dad’s attention. But when your father is ruler of the entire galaxy, how much quality time, really, can you expect him to spend with his offspring—especially when he has, at last count, over sixty wives?

  If you think about it, what happened next was all Ming’s fault. If he had just given Aura the unconditional love she so craved, she might never have turned on him. But Ming was so busy thinking up ways to thwart that meddling Earthman Flash Gordon that he didn’t notice the rebellion rising up in his own household… not until it was far, far too late. Aura joined forces with Flash and his dashingly handsome friend the Baron (who represented a father figure to her, perhaps????) and took part in the battle that ultimately resulted in Ming’s ouster from power and eventual death. Aura herself proved to be a thoughtful and responsible leader, treating all of her father’s former subjects with respect—even his wives.

  [As if it wasn’t bad enough that her dad wanted nothing to do with her, Aura also had this total crush on Flash Gordon—whom her dad was always trying to kill, by the way, and who liked this other chick, Dale Arden, the whole time. Worse, Ming even tried to make Dale his sixty-first wife, just to get under Flash’s skin. How mental would you go if your dad tried to marry the girlfriend of the guy you had a crush on? Think about it. It’s a wonder Aura never went postal.]

  Lilly’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Aura: Take your dad or other important male figure in your life to lunch. Let him know how important he is to you. Tell him you will always be there for him. Later that day, ask him if you can borrow ten dollars. If you’ve played your cards right, it will work! Spend your hard-earned money on candy or cosmetics.

  ISABEL I

  A daughter of John II of England, Isabel I of Spain wasn’t going to let any man tell her what to do, particularly her own brother, which, given the fact that she ruled during the 1400s—a time when women throughout the world were pretty much treated as chattel and second-class citizens— was pretty daring. Isabel married who she wanted to— Ferdinand of Portugal, who became king of Aragon—and did what she wanted to with her money—funded Christopher Columbus’s trip to what was supposed to be China.

  But being ruler of the newly reunited Spain wasn’t all fun and paella. Isabel also was at least partly responsible, along with her husband, for one of the most evil institutions in history, the Spanish Inquisition, whereby anybody who wasn’t Christian got expelled from her country—including Jews and Muslims—or worse, burned at the stake.

  Still, Isabel had her soft side. She was an educated woman who was known as a patron of scholars and artists. And when Christopher Columbus brought to Spain some of the Native Americans he’d captured in the New World, Isabel insisted they be returned to their native land and set free. In her will, she stipulated that the people of the land Columbus had discovered be treated with justice and fairness.

  Too bad nobody paid any attention.

  [When I take over the throne of Genovia, I will so never launch any sort of “Inquisition.” Except to root out anybody who wears fur and doesn’t believe animals have rights too.]

  Lilly’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Isabel: Or, actually—don’t. Instead of being like Isabel, shower your enemies with unconditional love. Say “Good morning” to the girls who hate you the most. When they mock you, smile sweetly—but pityingly—at them. Do this enough times and they will become confused and wary of you. It really works!

  ADORA

  Known to most as She-Ra, Princess of Power, Adora resides in the fictional world of Etheria. She-Ra, as everyone knows, is the sister of He-Man, who lives in a place called Eternia. It is typical that the creators of this animated classic, who were likely male, used the Latin root eth, as in “ethereal, or dreamlike and unreal,” for their female protagonist’s planet, while the male protagonist got to live in a place that sounds like eternal, or eternity—“going on forever.”

  But why quibble? She-Ra was still a pretty cool heroine, fighting to protect the magical Crystal Castle against her evil foes. Whenever her services were needed, the princess would raise her “Sword of Protection” in the air and shout, “For the honor of Grayskull!” Obvious phallic representation aside, this is still rather inspiring.

  Even though She-Ra will be known throughout cartoon history as “He-Man’s sister,” she was a strong female in her own right, able to succeed without the help of any male authority figures. Still, the poor thing doubtlessly suffered from the severest form of sibling rivalry, as who would not envy the popularity of her brother He-Man, particularly among pre-adolescent boys?

  [All I know is, my She-Ra action figure was too short to go out with Ken, and too tall for Han Solo, and He-Man was her brother, so who was she supposed to go out with? WHO????]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like She-Ra: Invent your own magical kingdom. Before
you go to sleep at night, imagine what it looks like and who else lives there. Make sure one of its inhabitants is a hot guy who totally adores you and lives to do your bidding. Whenever you feel down, pretend this guy is sitting next to you, telling you how cool he thinks you are. (P.S. If a real boy asks you out, don’t say no just because he isn’t as hot as your make-believe boyfriend. That would just be stupid.)

  V.

  A Note from

  Her Royal Highness Princess Mia

  While I’m not exactly an authority on the whole princess thing yet, I can totally attest to the fact that there have been—and still are—some kick-ass princesses out there whose stories definitely deserve to be told.

  A lot of people seem to be under the impression that all princesses are good for is pricking their fingers on things or modeling the latest styles from some new designer. Nothing could be farther from the truth! There are lots of princesses who have ruled over their people with fairness and wisdom, making far more effective leaders than their less even tempered fathers, brothers, or husbands.

  And more than one of them has, in her quest to provide her people with proper governance, taken up a sword or laser pistol to insure that things turned out her way. It’s princesses like these who make it less revolting for me to admit that royal blood courses through my veins.

  Now if I could just convince my dad to let me have a flamethrower….

  BOADICEA

  by Michael Moscovitz, Boyfriend/Royal Consort to Princess Mia Thermopolis

  [with commentary by Princess Mia]

  Things were rough in A.D. 61. The Romans were pretty much running the show, particularly in Great Britain, where they weren’t too popular… especially when the Iceni King Prasutagus died, leaving his wealth and kingdom to his wife Boadicea and his two daughters, Princesses Camorra and Tosca, and the Romans refused to recognize the Celtic law that allowed females to inherit.

  Big mistake. When the local Romans attempted to take over Iceni property, Boadicea and her daughters joined another Celtic tribe and marched on London, burning down the entire city and killing 20,000 Roman soldiers along the way.

  By the time the Romans finally sent enough reinforcements to beat Boadicea, her army stood at 80,000 strong. Boadicea, rather than admit defeat, took poison. But monuments to her bravery exist in England to this day. A modern representation of her famous scythe-wheeled chariot (shades of James Bond’s tricked-out Aston Martin here?) can be seen at the end of Westminster Bridge, and Boadicea herself is said to be buried beneath what is now Platform 10 of King’s Cross Railroad Station.

  [I don’t believe I will be taking poison if, say, Monaco ever tries to take Genovia from me. I mean, instead I will try to find peaceful methods of resolution. But I could totally use a scythe-wheeled chariot. To ride in during the next school pep rally, perhaps.]

  Michael’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Boadicea: Don’t stand by and let the unpopular kids in your school get picked on. Take a stand and defend them. You’ll not only make new friends, but you might also find yourself elected to a position in student government.

  MATILDA

  Perhaps one of the least known of the English monarchs, Matilda, empress of Germany, reigned over England as Domina, or Lady of the English, for six months during the year 1141. Due to a disagreement with her cousin Stephen over just who, exactly, had the right to the throne, a civil war broke out, with half of Europe backing Matilda, and the other half backing her cousin. The war got so bad, people went around saying that all the saints and angels must be sleeping, and that’s why they didn’t lift a finger to stop the two warring royals.

  When Stephen finally captured his cousin and locked her in Oxford Castle, Matilda didn’t just meekly accept it. Instead, she waited until the dead of night, then, dressed entirely in white, climbed down a rope from one of the castle’s windows and fled across the frozen river Isis, undetectable in her robes, which matched the color of the snow. Stephen won the war and went on to rule England for a dozen more years, but Matilda got the last laugh, outliving him by more than a decade.

  [If my wastrel cousin Prince René ever tried to snake the Genovian throne out from under me, you can bet I’d fight him too. For one thing, I wouldn’t want to see Genovia turned into a giant party town, like New Orleans. And for another, he has absolutely no concern for the marine life in the port.]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Matilda: A bit of white by the face can brighten any complexion (just ask Judge Judy). Throw on a white turtleneck or scarf then sit back and wait for the compliments.

  XENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS

  Xena’s history is a sad and complicated one. She started out as a warlord, killing all who stood in the way of her quest for total world domination. Eventually she saw the error of her ways, but by that time she had cut a swathe of terror across the land. Many would tremble at the mere mention of her name (kind of the way Pavlov trembles when he hears the voice of my sister, Lilly, only for different reasons).*

  However, Xena was truly sorry for the horrific acts she’d done (unlike my sister), and reformed herself, starting to fight instead for the rights of the less fortunate, vanquishing those who preyed upon the weak, and using sometimes gravity-defying martial arts maneuvers while doing so. Xena and her sidekick, Gabrielle, ride around, seeking out injustice so they can right it, while wearing… well, not a lot of clothes. It is just wrong that this fine, fine show was canceled.

  [*Lilly insists she is totally sorry for what she did to Pavlov. I was with her at the time and can testify that she fully outfitted Michael’s sheltie in one of those plastic football helmets from Dairy Queen before she put him in that suitcase and swung him around over her head a few times. Besides, as soon as I saw what she was doing, I made her stop. She swears it was just an experiment having to do with the laws of gravity, and Pavlov, when I let him out of the suitcase, was totally fine…. It just took the room a few minutes to stop spinning around for him.]

  Michael’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Xena: Do something nice for your best friend, or royal consort, such as agree to see the lame romantic comedy she’s been dying to go to, instead of insisting on seeing the cool action flick you’ve been waiting for. She’ll appreciate you all the more, and you’ll be filled with a warm, fuzzy feeling because you were so selfless.

  POCAHONTAS

  Pocahontas may not have had an adorable pet raccoon in real life, like she does in the Disney movie, but she was a real princess. She did meet a man named John, just like in the movie—except that he wasn’t the John she threw herself in front of in order to save him from the wrath of the Powhatans. That was Captain John Smith. The real Pocahontas married another John, whose last name was Rolfe. He taught her English, and she taught him her native language. Eventually, she went with him back to England, where she enjoyed immense popularity and was treated as what she was: visiting royalty.

  Until, that is, she got smallpox, and died at the age of twenty-two.

  [Whoa! That last part, so not in the movie version! What a bummer!]

  Michael’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Pocahontas: Learn a language! It will come in handy when you’re meeting with international dignitaries to discuss peace, or at least look good on your college apps.

  WONDER WOMAN

  Princess Diana of Paradise Island was raised by her mother, Hippolyta, queen of the Amazons, in a place devoid of the war-embracing ways of men. Until, that is, World War II pilot Steve Trevor’s plane is shot down, and his unconscious body washes up on Paradise Island’s virgin shores. Princess Diana is instantly smitten, so when Steve’s wounds have healed enough for him to be moved, she volunteers to take him back to his people.

  In order to prepare her daughter for the dangers the queen knows she’ll face in the land of men, Hippolyta gives Diana a golden lasso that compels whoever it holds to tell the truth, and also loans her the royal invisible jet (don’t even ask how an
island of Amazons who haven’t had any contact with the outside world developed the technology to build an invisible jet. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you).

  Armed with these things and a pair of wrist bracelets with which Diana can ward off bullets, the young Amazon princess heads for Washington, D.C., with a groggy Steve in tow. There, Diana is appalled by all the evil she sees—and not just from the Nazis. She vows to remain by Steve’s side, to protect him as best she can from those who seek to kill him, which it turns out is actually a lot of people. Like Superman’s Lois Lane, Steve never quite figures out that his mild-mannered secretary Diana and Wonder Woman, the Amazonian princess who keeps stopping all the bank robberies in the Washington area, are one and the same person.

  [Like Diana, I, too, would go to whatever lengths I had to, to make sure my man was safe from the Nazi scourge… even if that meant forsaking my native land and running around our nation’s capital in nothing but a one-piece bathing suit with gold eagle wings where the built-in bra shelf should have been. I would gladly make such a sacrifice, if it would in any way aid my love.]