Perfect Princess Read online

  This is as it should be, of course. A princess sensitive enough to feel a pea through a dozen or more pieces of bedding ought also to be sensitive enough not to insult those who’ve shown her kindness.

  And that, if you ask me, is the REAL meaning behind the story “The Princess and the Pea.” Yes, we princesses are sensitive to the slightest discomfort… but also to the smallest slight, and we behave accordingly, in order to spare our subjects the pain we ourselves are feeling.

  [Whatever. I keep my diary under my mattress at night, and I have never had an uncomfortable night’s sleep because of it. And my diary is quite lumpy, considering all of the pictures of Michael I’ve glued into it.]

  Grandmère’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like the princess in “The Princess and the Pea”: Be sure to get eight hours of sleep every night, if not more. A princess must be well rested in order to properly govern her people. Late-night revelry, while all right for heiresses, pop stars, and supermodels, has no place in the life of those aspiring to one day rule the throne.

  ROSAGUNDE

  Princess Rosagunde is perhaps the most important woman in Genovian history, being, in fact, the country’s founder. It was Rosagunde who fought against the Visigothic warlord Alboin. Alboin was a dreadful young man who took it upon himself to descend upon Italy in the year A.D. 568 and kill everyone who stood in his path to the throne. One of these unfortunates was poor Rosagunde’s father, a general in the true king of Italy’s army.

  After dispatching the brave general, Alboin declared himself king, and when his gaze fell upon fair Rosagunde, he decided then and there to make her his queen.

  Most young women, of course, would have been thrilled at the prospect of ruling a country the size of Italy, but Rosagunde was still understandably upset over the foul murder of her father. It didn’t help matters that, on her wedding night to Alboin, he attempted to force her to drink wine from her father’s skull in a sign of fealty to him, the new king.

  Rosagunde had no choice but to do as he asked, but she got justice the old-fashioned way, by strangling Alboin in his sleep later that night with her long, flaxen braid.

  The real king of Italy was of course so grateful to Rosagunde for ridding his country of Alboin’s horrid presence that he made her princess of Genovia, a small strip of beautiful land along the Mediterranean coast, over which she went on to rule wisely and well for many, many years.

  [I can only hope that in the face of such hardship I will show as much bravery as my ancestress Rosagunde. So far, considering the whole flunking Algebra thing, it’s not looking too good. Were a foreign invader to kill my father and force me to drink wine from his skull, I would have a hard time strangling him with my hair, because it is still only chin-length. I’m really trying to grow it out, though, just in case.]

  Grandmère’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Rosagunde: While it is often the best strategy to kill your enemies with kindness, there may come a time when your life—or maidenhood—is in actual peril. This is why a passing knowledge of Krav Maga or karate is highly suggested for today’s modern young princesses.

  II.

  A Note from

  Her Royal Highness Princess Mia

  Princesses have traditionally had a lot of impact on the world of fashion, even all the way back in olden times. When Queen Elizabeth I dyed her hair red, so did all the ladies in her court.

  And when Josephine, the wife of the emperor Napoleon, started wearing these high-waisted dresses to hide her pregnancy, so did everybody else, not just in France, but all over Europe (and most of them weren’t even pregnant!).

  But I guess it sort of depends on the princess, since so far, I haven’t exactly seen a burgeoning demand around the world for Doc Marten combat boots, or anything. But hey, who knows, soon flat-chestedness and Yield-sign-shaped hair might totally come into style!

  QUEEN VICTORIA

  by Paolo, royal hairstylist and cosmetician, and Sebastiano, fashion designer and wardrobe consultant

  [with commentary by Princess Mia]

  Queen Victoria was a principessa who had so profound impact on fashion during sixty years—and more!—on the English throne. Anyone who has seen the movie classicos Gone with the Wind and The King and I knows how important the hoop skirt was to both those stories—Scarlett’s kept getting caught on things, and Anna’s… well, the sight of her dancing with Yul Brenner would not impress so much if she’d be wearing one of Empress Josephine’s high-waisted muslin frocks, no?

  When the Principessa Victoria step onto the throne, all over England, small feet, they become the rage! Because the Principessa Victoria, she have the tiny feet.

  And because she is so small, the Principessa Victoria keeps ordering her skirts to be made wider and wider, so she looks more impressive in the throne room, no? Soon everyone everywhere is wearing skirts so wide, they hardly fit through the door!

  Soon a style of dress is named just for her—the Princess dress, still around today! The bustle eventually replaced the hoop skirt in popularity, but only after the principessa, she so saddened by death of her husband, Albert, she retire to the castle and won’t come out for no one. When she die, people all over the world, they cry too, because who gonna tell them what to wear now, eh? —Paolo

  Queen Vic take ver good care of her skin. She always use the soap and water and ex with sponge. That’s why she look so good.* —Sebastiano

  [*Because English is Sebastiano’s second language, he sometimes forgets the second syllables of words.

  Here he means:

  Queen Victoria took very good care of her skin, and exfoliated with a sponge.

  She also had nine children and extended the British Empire from India all the way to Melbourne. But who cares about that?

  A popular prank that my cousin Hank liked to play, back when he lived in Indiana, was to call up the local drugstore and ask them if they have Prince Albert in the can. Then when they say they do, you’re supposed to go, “Well, hadn’t you better let him out?” Prince Albert is apparently some form of chewing tobacco. He was also Queen Victoria’s husband, the one she had all the kids with. Whatever. It can get pretty boring in Indiana.]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Victoria: Invite your friends over for tea. Do the British thing and put milk in your tea instead of lemon or honey. Serve tiny cucumber sandwiches on white bread with the crusts cut off. Totally vegan AND delicious!

  PRINCIPESSA CAROLINE OF MONACO, AND HER SISTER PRINCIPESSA STEPHANIE

  Caroline and Stephanie, daughters of Prince Rainier of Monaco and Principessa Grace, (formerly Grace Kelly, the movie actress) are molto bella, just like their mama. They have their mother’s loveliness, just like they have their father’s Mediterranean hot temper and love for the champagne, no? Sought after by playboys all over Europe and beyond for their faces and fortunes, the little principessas have always been the most popular of the European royals. The Principessa Stephanie, she is even the model for the short time! The principessas, they marry, to the race car drivers and the speed boat driver and even to the bodyguards! Today the principessas, they are raising their own little princes and principessas, who look as bella as their mamas and their grandmama! —Paolo

  The Prin Car and Steph have bodies like mods and can wear any. With their complex they look esp good in white or black.* —Sebastiano

  [*What Sebastiano seems to be trying to say here is:

  The Princesses Caroline and Stephanie have bodies like models and can wear anything. With their complexions they look especially good in white or black.

  But let’s examine what’s really important here:

  ONE OF THEM MARRIED HER BODY GUARD??? I would so never marry one of my bodyguards. I mean, for one thing, they are all too old… and in Lars’s case at least, so not my type. I mean, in his spare time, Lars likes to go boar hunting. BOAR HUNTING.

  Need I say more?]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

&
nbsp; Be like Princesses Caroline and Stephanie: On the first warm, sunny Saturday of spring, spend some time outside. But remember: Due to the destruction of the ozone layer, you must be sure to wear plenty of sunscreen. And a big floppy hat. And long sleeves. And sit in the shade. There’s nothing appealing about premature aging from the sun.

  MARIE ANTOINETTE

  Poor Marie! So misunderstood! She only wants to make things pretty…. Who doesn’t? And she try too hard, married to that little pot-belly dauphin. He love her so, he build her a little village of her own, so she can pretend to be the milkmaid! Soon all of the royals in France are pretending to be the milkmaids. Like little Bo Beep, these milkmaid principessas look!

  Only the real milkmaids, they not so happy about it, no? Because they have to do all the work.

  Still, nothing bring out the rosy cheeks like exercise, and what better exercise is there, than bringing in the milk? —Paolo

  Milk! It does the bod good!* —Sebastiano

  [*I believe Sebastiano is trying to say that milk does a body good.

  It is very hard for me to keep all these princesses straight, especially during the frequent pop quizzes Grandmère springs on me during our princess lessons. So I wrote this poem about Marie Antoinette, to keep her straight from everybody else:

  There once was a great queen of France

  who spent millions on wine and romance.

  The peasants complained,

  ’cause the money had been drained

  from their purses and seats of their pants.

  The queen, she ignored their complaining,

  and for most of the time she was reigning,

  she closed palace doors,

  called the peasants “Such bores!”

  and there were no fireworks or parading.

  ’Til “Your majesty, ma’am,” said a squire,

  “of your rule the peasants do tire.

  They have nothing to eat—

  no bread and no meat—

  They’re setting the palace on fire!”

  To which the queen cried, “Oh, for heaven’s sake!

  Why do you quiver and quake?

  If no bread’s in the pantry, and meat is so scanty,

  why don’t we let them eat cake?”]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Marie: Be kind to food service industry workers, and tip well! Princesses are always gracious to wait staff.

  PRINCIPESSA MARCELLA BORGHESE

  Principessa Marcella Borghese, the Duchess di Bomarzo, was the legendary beauty who founded Princess Marcella Borghese cosmetics company in the 1960s… during which she was often seen wearing Pucci, the Enyce of Italia. The principessa, she love the spa treatments: She introduced the idea of the mud bath to the Western world, formerly ignorant of its therapeutic beauty benefits.

  Poor Principessa Marcella, she die in Switzerland and is buried in the Borghese family crypt, leaving behind twin sons. But her beauty legacy, it lives on forever! —Paolo

  The Prin Borghese, for all we know, may still be look for prin of their own.* —Sebastiano

  [*I believe what Sebastiano is trying to say here is:

  The Princes Borghese may still be looking for principessas of their own. Forgive me if I don’t get excited. Can these guys really be any match for Princes William and Harry? I mean, with competition like that, why even try?]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Marcella: Think royal red! Try a shade of lipstick you normally wouldn’t wear—fiery crimson or flaming scarlet. Practice kissing on napkins. Someday, when you’re famous, those napkins will sell for tons of money on eBay.

  PRINCESS JASMINE

  Jasmine, the principessa from the movie of Aladdin, she does more than rescue that bambino with the flying carpet from his own wretched poverty and obscurity. She single-handedly brings the halter top back into fashion! Sí! After it dropped from the imagination of designers everywhere (no offense to Señor Sebastiano). That jewel in her navel? It also does much to fan the flames of the pierced belly button craze. Bella Jasmine! —Paolo

  Grazie, Jas!* —Sebastiano

  [*I think Sebastiano is trying to say:

  Thank you, Jasmine.

  Okay, I will admit it: I once dressed as Princess Jasmine for Halloween. But since it was cold out, my mom made me wear long johns beneath my see-through harem pants, which fully spoiled the effect.]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Jasmine: Make anklets like Jasmine’s for yourself and your friends. Wear them every single moment of the day, even in the shower. Whoever’s anklet falls off first will be the first one to become betrothed to the hot ruler of a foreign land.

  PRINCESS ARIEL

  The little mermaid, who give up her beautiful singing voice in order to get the legs and be near the man she loved? Who can forget her? Ciao, Ariel, we love you! How can we forget her, when she brings back to popularity the very famous shell bra? Not since Botticelli’s Venus do we see this bra (well, her hair cover up the bra in the painting, but we Italians, we know it’s there). Brava, Ariel, for bringing back the bra! —Paolo

  Ariel, her hair is love, with the nat curls and deep au col. And her tail is quite nice, too.* —Sebastiano

  [*I believe Sebastiano is complimenting Ariel’s lovely hair, with its natural curls and deep auburn color.

  I don’t think I’ve got enough upstairs to fit into a shell bra, if you know what I mean. This is why I never dressed as Ariel for Halloween. Also, my mom wouldn’t let me, since she says Ariel is a feminist’s nightmare for turning her back on her own species in her effort to secure a man, and besides which, what are her and Prince Eric’s babies going to look like anyway? Tadpoles? Also, in the non-Disney version of this story, the prince fully marries some other chick. So then the little mermaid kills herself. Nice fairy tale, huh????]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Ariel: Join the swim team! Swimming is an excellent form of cardiovascular exercise. Just make sure you wear a swimming cap, so the chlorine doesn’t damage your hair. Nothing looks worse than a tiara on green tresses.

  CORN PRINCESS

  OF VERSAILLES, INDIANA

  Special guest supplement by Hank Thermopolis, male model and cousin to Princess Mia

  The most stylish princess I ever seen was my ex-girlfriend Amber Grubb, who was Corn Princess of Versailles, Indiana, three years running. In case you aren’t too familiar with corn princesses, let me tell you, they are a very special kind of princess. For one thing, they ain’t—I mean, aren’t—born into the position like Cousin Mia was. Heck, no! To be Corn Princess, you got to be ELECTED. And it ain’t—I mean, isn’t—easy getting elected Corn Prin-cess of Versailles, Indiana, because the competition is something fierce.

  Corn princesses don’t just got to have beauty and talent, though. They got to answer some pretty tough questions during the final judging phase. Like, What is the Indiana state bird? Some of you might say the turkey buzzard, because you see their dang carcasses lying by the side of the road so often. But no, the correct answer is the cardinal. And the Indiana state flower? No, it ain’t ragweed, though you see a lot of that by the side of the road too. It’s the frangipani! Don’t ask me what a frangipani looks like, though. Don’t think I ever seen one. Sure as heck Mamaw didn’t have none of them in her rock garden….

  Anyways, those are just a couple important things the Corn Princess of Versailles, Indiana, has to know. And that doesn’t even include all the stuff she’s got to know AFTER she gets crowned, like how to cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the new Kroger Sav On or whatnot. It takes a real special person to be a princess. We all know that.

  But it takes an EXTRA SPECIAL person to be a corn princess.

  And don’t you forget it.

  [Sadly, I don’t think I’ll be able to. Ever.]

  Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

  Be like Amber: Memorize facts about the area in which you live, such as your
state flower and bird. Impress your friends and family with your extensive knowledge of local trivia. You never know when it could come in handy. Like as extra credit on a report or something.

  III.

  A Note from

  Her Royal Highness Princess Mia

  Since the dawn of time, millions and millions of women have dreamed of being swept up and carried off in the arms of a handsome prince (or, in my case, the arms of my best friend’s brother). While some people—such as that aforementioned best friend—might say that this fantasy is the result of an impressionable young mind warped by too many viewings of Ever After or The Slipper and the Rose, and that in this day and age it shows a terrifying lack of feminist empowerment, I’m here to tell you that just because you’ve married someone who happens to be royal, rich, and famous doesn’t mean you have given up in your quest for self-actualization! Look at the examples of the following women, all of whom became princesses after marrying the men they loved, and tell me if you think they’ve lost their grip on their own identity!