The Boy Is Back + Every Boy's Got One Bundle Read online

  My mom also thinks we might get lice because my cousins go to public school, which isn’t exactly fair, since my friend Sundae’s brother got lice, and he goes to our school, which is private. He got lice from taking a selfie with a girl in the mall who had lice.

  But when I told my mom that, she said the girl at the mall probably went to public school.

  The whole thing is totally unfair because I saw on a gossip site that one time Uncle Reed was at a party with Ava Kuznetsov, the famous model.

  Well, maybe not WITH with her, but she was there with her husband, this other golfer.

  And once Ava Kuznetsov was at another party where my perfect bae, Harry Styles, was photographed leaving by the backdoor.

  So that means in a way, my uncle Reed KNOWS Harry Styles.

  But when I tried to tell my mom that, and that I HAD to go over to Uncle Marshall’s tonight, my mom said that she didn’t care, and that Uncle Reed is a “bad influence.”

  Which is kind of hilaire, because look at me! I’m a total juvenile delinquent.

  And it’s clear from whom I inherited my criminal tendencies:

  Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Reed!

  Which basically means nothing I do is my fault. It’s in my genes.

  Oh well. I’d sneak out later, but if I get caught, Mom says she’ll take away my door. That’s her new thing. She saw it on Dr. Phil. When parents have taken everything else from their kids, like all their electronics and their freedom and stuff, and they STILL do bad stuff, then they should take away their door, so they don’t have privacy, either.

  LOL! Whatever, Dr. Phil. I’m sure that will work. How about having parents try not being such total a**holes who are on their Facebook pages all the time and only think about themselves and how many likes they have and never spend any quality time with their kids? Did you ever think of that?

  Oh, I guess not.

  Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this review as much as I enjoy this watch, b*tches!

  2 of 10 people found this review helpful

  Leeanne Matsumori created chat “Reed Stewart”

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:17

  Becky, why did I just get a text from my mom that she saw REED STEWART at Antonelli’s Pizza picking up two extra large pies with his brother Marshall?

  Is Reed Stewart back? And if so, why am I only hearing about this now and from my MOTHER of all people?

  Becky Flowers

  19:17

  Okay, it’s frightening that someone who is living in Japan has more information about the situation than I do. I didn’t know Reed was back. I heard he MIGHT be coming back, but I didn’t know he was back back. Thanks for the heads-up. I will definitely not be going to Antonelli’s tonight.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:17

  Well, actually tonight’s probably the only safe night to go to Antonelli’s, because he was already there and left.

  Becky Flowers

  19:18

  True. I should probably head over there now and order ten pies, then cram them all into my freezer so I can avoid running into him for the rest of the week.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:18

  That sounds 100% normal. Definitely something a healthy 28 yr old woman would do:

  Hide in her mom’s basement for the rest of the time her ex is visiting his family in their hometown in order to avoid seeing him.

  Becky Flowers

  19:19

  Yeah, OK, you’re right. I’ll just never go out again in anything less than full makeup and my most flattering outfits.

  Ha ha, just kidding.

  No, seriously, I’m fine.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:19

  Sure. You sound fine. When I left you were hot and heavy with Graham. What do you even care what Reed Stewart thinks?

  Becky Flowers

  19:20

  I don’t. In fact, Graham and I are going out tonight. Well, we were. I actually just had to call him and cancel. I got a new gig and I have a lot of organizing to do to get ready for it.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:21

  God, you haven’t changed at all. You are still such a geek! You used to do the same thing in high school, remember? A hot guy asks you out, but you prefer to stay home and create a spreadsheet for your homework. Or is it a binder?

  Becky Flowers

  19:21

  Both. And what’s wrong with it? Organization is the key to happiness in life.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:21

  Uh, I thought it was love. Meanwhile, I bet you still think Reed Stewart was the best you ever had, even though he drove a golf cart drunk with you in it into a swimming pool and dislocated your shoulder, then never spoke to you again.

  Becky Flowers

  19:21

  Actually, I was the one who did that.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:22

  What?

  Becky Flowers

  19:22

  I was driving the golf cart drunk. I dislocated my own shoulder.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:22

  What the hell are you talking about?

  Becky Flowers

  19:22

  I’m the one who was driving. God, it feels so good to finally tell someone!

  But don’t tell anyone else. And please delete this chat when we’re done.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:23

  I’m living in Tokyo with a bunch of old people who don’t know you and barely speak English. Who am I going to tell?

  But can we please go back to WHAT? We have been friends for HOW long and you’re only choosing to tell me this NOW?

  Becky Flowers

  19:23

  Ugh, I know. Don’t kill me. Maybe it’s BECAUSE you’re so far away that I feel like it’s finally okay to tell you.

  But you remember that night at dinner at your parents’ restaurant, your brother served us all those mai tais?

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:23

  You mean at Prom. They barely had any alcohol in them, Becky. You know Raymond.

  Becky Flowers

  19:23

  Well, it was enough to get me feeling tipsy.

  And then afterwards I begged Reed to let me drive the golf cart because it looked like so much fun. I shouldn’t have because I’d had a mai tai. Well, two.

  But anyway, it was his dad’s golf cart and I had no idea what I was doing. That’s how it ended up in the pool.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:23

  You drove Reed’s dad’s golf cart into the pool. After two watery mai tais. On prom night. And let Reed take the blame.

  Becky Flowers

  19:24

  Reed wouldn’t let me take the blame! He took responsibility for everything. Even my shoulder.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:24

  That. Is. So. Hot.

  Becky Flowers

  19:24

  At the time I was glad because when his dad showed up, he was so mad. I’d never seen anyone so angry!

  And the cops were there, too. Something like that on my record, I’d have lost my scholarship to IU. Reed didn’t have anything to lose. Well, I mean, he could have lost his scholarship, but it turned out he didn’t even want to go. He’d lied to everyone about his real plans for the future. Even me.

  Then afterwards, he lied to everyone FOR me.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:25

  That is basically the hottest thing I’ve ever heard.

  Tell me more.

  Becky Flowers

  19:25

  Leeanne, I’m serious.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:26

  So am I. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been on a date? I’m half-Hoosier, half-Japanese. The only guys who ask me out here are the ones with fetishes. And not the sexy kind.

  Becky Flowers

  19:26
r />   Well, you could always come home. I miss you.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:26

  No. I’m staying until Obaasan Matsumori tells me the secret of her agedashi tofu. Anyway, more please about all the hot lying.

  Becky Flowers

  19:27

  There’s nothing more to say except that I shouldn’t have let him do it. I’ve regretted it every day since. His dad threw him out, he went to California, and I never heard from him again. I sent him a million texts, emails, and even letters, apologizing. He never replied to a single one.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:27

  Well, THAT I knew. The rest of it, though—you just blew my mind. Becky Flowers, little miss goody two shoes, a criminal!

  Becky Flowers

  19:27

  It’s not funny.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:27

  It’s kind of funny.

  Becky Flowers

  19:28

  No, it’s not. It’s no wonder he never contacted me again: He must hate me.

  And I don’t blame him.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:28

  Why should he hate you? You didn’t ask him to do what he did. It was his own choice.

  And things turned out pretty great for him. He’s a star athlete now with several multimillion endorsement deals. I mean, what makes you think he even remembers you?

  Becky Flowers

  19:28

  Thanks.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:29

  Sorry! But no offense, he probably has models crawling all over him. Not that you’re not hot, but you’re no model.

  Becky Flowers

  19:29

  No, really, thanks.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:29

  I can see why you haven’t gotten over him, though. That was so amazing, him taking the blame like that.

  Plus he liked the same books you liked.

  And there was the thing you mentioned about the sex. Tell me again about the hot sex. What was that trick he did with his pubic bone? Maybe that’s a thing only golfers can do.

  Becky Flowers

  19:30

  No. I’m over him. I’m so over him that the job I have tomorrow is at his parents’ house, helping them downsize.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:30

  WHAT.

  Becky Flowers

  19:30

  His sister-in-law hired me.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:31

  ARE YOU INSANE?

  Becky Flowers

  19:31

  No. Look, it’s going to be fine.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:31

  Aren’t you and the cheese guy engaged???

  Becky Flowers

  19:32

  We’ve talked about marriage, nothing formal.

  Well, unless you mean the outdoor ceremony we plan to have someday on the courthouse square, which of course will be catered by Authentic. And please stop calling him the cheese guy, he has a name.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:32

  I can’t believe you’re using Authentic as the caterer of your fake wedding, and not Matsumori’s Tiki Palace. We could do sushi boats, pupu platters, and even daiquiris for your guests.

  Becky Flowers

  19:32

  I don’t think serving raw fish at an outdoor ceremony is a good idea. And think about the spicy mayo on your dad’s Atomic Tuna rolls.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:32

  And will Judge Stewart be presiding over this fake ceremony?

  Becky Flowers

  19:32

  Look, just remember not to tell anybody what I told you about Reed, okay? No one knows—not even Nicole. I never even admitted it to my blessings journal.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:33

  Of course you have a blessings journal. Whatever you say, Miss Demeanor.

  Becky Flowers

  19:33

  Stop.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:34

  I can understand now why you don’t want to run into Reed. What I don’t get is how you expect to avoid it while you’re working in his parents’ house.

  Becky Flowers

  19:34

  Well, until this moment, I didn’t know he was actually coming back.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:34

  Oh, he’s back all right.

  But maybe he and his dad still aren’t speaking, so you won’t run into him over there.

  And from the other stuff my mom told me—like about Judge Stewart getting arrested—those people sound like a hot mess.

  Becky Flowers

  19:35

  Cleaning up hot messes is my specialty.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:35

  Oh, right! I’m 6500 miles away, and even I can see that *YOU* are a hot mess.

  Becky Flowers

  19:36

  Thanks. Thanks for that.

  Leeanne Matsumori

  19:36

  Douitashimashite (that’s “You’re Welcome”—formal—in Japanese)

  From: Dolly Vargas [email protected]

  Date: March 14 9:45:37 PM EST

  To: Reed [email protected]

  Subject: Lyrexica Offer

  Darling, normally when a major pharmaceutical company offers one of my clients low-to-mid six figures to endorse one of their products, I at least get a return phone call.

  And when that company ups their offer from low-to-mid six figures to high six figures, I often get flowers, or even a box of chocolates, which of course I can’t eat, due to my acid reflux, which my physician tells me is entirely stress-related, and thanks to my career.

  But no. Reed Stewart is much, much too busy to think of his poor, stressed-out, hardworking agent.

  CALL ME.

  XOXO

  Dolly

  Dolly Vargas

  Vargas Talent Management

  Los Angeles, CA

  Val King 9:45PM EST

  I can’t believe what we had meant so little to you. Why am I hearing that you sent Enrique to look for condos for your parents??? It’s like you don’t even remember that I have a realtor’s license.

  Maybe it’s not valid in the state of Florida, but you know I have an eye for a good piece of property.

  I can see now exactly why your game has been suffering. Your lack of confidence in those who should mean the most to you directly reflects your lack of confidence in yourself.

  From: Reed [email protected]

  Date: March 14 11:37:22 PM EST

  To: Lyle [email protected]

  Subject: Richard and Connie

  Dear Uncle Lyle,

  Thanks for your email. I’m sure your Phalaenopsis amabilis is extraordinary. If it doesn’t win or at least place, the Expo is probably rigged. Send me a photo if you get a chance.

  It’s weird to be back here . . . weirder than I thought it would be. The town has changed a lot. There’s a CVS drugstore where the Jiffy Lube used to be, and a Target where the old football stadium was.

  And even more buildings have been abandoned, especially since they shut down the limestone quarries. The old Bloomville Elementary building is sitting empty since they built a new, state-of-the-art one a few years ago.

  The good news is, apparently I can buy my old school!

  The bad news is, it’s full of asbestos.

  So reassuring to know we were educated in such a safe, healthy environment.

  Anyway, it’s good to see Marshall and Carly and the kids. You’d like the kids. One of them—the middle one, Bailey—refuses to take off the Chief Massasoit costume Carly made her for the school’s Thanksgiving play.

  I don’t really blame her. If someone cast me as Chief Massasoit in the school play, I’d probably never take the costume off, either.

  I haven’t seen Mom
and Dad yet. Marshall drove me by the house on our way to pick up pizza for dinner—at Antonelli’s, of course, which was better than I expected it to be, but not great—and I have to say, I was pretty shocked.

  Dad used to keep the place in tip-top shape—or at least always hired people to keep it that way for him—and you definitely can’t say that about the house now.

  It’s kind of hard to see with all the snow—March in Indiana, of course there’s going to be one last snow before spring—but there appear to be a lot of shingles missing, shutters askew, the lawn and hedges look like hell, and there are stray cats everywhere.

  I asked Marshall what was going on with the cats, and he only muttered darkly, “Don’t.”

  Marshall hasn’t changed a bit.

  No one’s mentioned my going by to see Mom and the Judge. I’m sure I’ll have to eventually, but Marshall seems to think it might be too much of a shock for the old man all at once, and we should ease into it slowly, maybe by giving him a call tomorrow morning and dropping him a hint that I’m around. I guess his ticker isn’t what it used to be?