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  Carly

  9:46 AM

  Yes, but before that I’d never seen him happier. He really loved her.

  Marshall

  9:46 AM

  He was 18 years old. He didn’t know what love was.

  Carly

  9:47 AM

  You were in love with me at 18.

  Marshall

  9:47 AM

  Leave her alone. Don’t you think my family has made enough people miserable lately?

  Carly

  9:47 AM

  Don’t YOU think this is fate, Marshall? Your parents needing help and Becky Flowers turning out to be the only person in the area who can offer that kind of help?

  Marshall

  9:48 AM

  No, I don’t. Do NOT contact her. It’s embarrassing enough that the entire world thinks that my parents tried to pull a fast one at our local Shenanigans. You don’t need to let the one girl my brother ever loved know the rest of our embarrassing family secrets.

  Carly

  9:48 AM

  So you admit it! He DID love her!

  Marshall

  9:48 AM

  Maybe he did, Carly. But if he was still in love with her, don’t you think he’d have contacted her on his own sometime in the past decade?

  Carly

  9:49 AM

  No, because he’s a big stupid baby, just like his big brother. If I hadn’t actively pursued you all through high school, then TOLD you during college that you were in love with me and that we were going to get married, would we have? No, because you are an insecure idiot who can’t make up his mind or take a stand about anything.

  Marshall

  9:49 AM

  I can’t tell you how little this is helping your case.

  Carly

  9:49 AM

  Jackie Monroe says it’s the duty of every person in a committed, happy romantic relationship to try to help at least one other person find romantic happiness too. And I haven’t managed to help any!

  Marshall

  9:50 AM

  Well, my baby brother is not going to be the first. Swear on Blinky’s life that you’ll stay out of this.

  Carly

  9:50 AM

  I’m not swearing on the life of the dog, Marshall.

  Marshall

  9:50 AM

  DO IT.

  Carly

  9:51 AM

  Fine. I swear on Blinky’s life.

  Marshall

  9:51 AM

  Good. I’m going to my parents’ now to move their gosh darn trash cans.

  I did not write that. I did not write gosh darn!

  Carly

  9:51 AM

  Well, good luck with that.

  Marshall

  9:51 AM

  Thanks. I’m going to need more than luck, though.

  Carly

  9:52 AM

  That’s why we should hire Becky!

  Marshall

  9:52 AM

  STOP.

  From: Lyle [email protected]

  Date: March 14 12:08:22 AM PST

  To: Reed [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Richard and Connie

  Dear Reed,

  I’m sorry I won’t be seeing you this week (and even more sorry you won’t be seeing how my Phalaenopsis amabilis has blossomed. It is truly a magnificent specimen, if I do say so myself).

  But I’m beyond glad of the reason for it.

  I’ve been worried about your parents for some time now, though I didn’t like to burden you with my fears, knowing, as I do, of your own challenging relationship with them.

  Your father and I did not see eye to eye on many things—though I must say, out of all the family (the older generation, at least), he was always the staunchest defender of gay rights.

  But the one thing on which we could never agree was his treatment of you.

  I do not think it was so much the foolishness of what happened that night with Miss Flowers that angered him as much as it was your refusal to go to college and take the life route that he’d laid out for you, as your sister and brother did.

  It was not in the Honorable Judge Stewart’s plan to have a professional athlete—particularly a golfer—in the family, and when you upset that plan, I believe it was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.

  Because it was right after that that I began to notice your father’s “collecting” behavior—which before had simply been a hobby—begin to become an obsession.

  When an activity that was once rewarding becomes a compulsion, an act which no longer gives pleasure, but only reduces anxiety, we in the mental health profession call it a disorder.

  It did not help, of course, that Connie encouraged it. Your mother and father were always very close. A couple more in love I’ve never known.

  But now, with the collecting, a less generous person might call Connie’s encouragement “enabling.” Their constant need to shop has turned unhealthy, and they are co-dependent upon one another, each finding excuses for the other’s increasingly compulsive behavior.

  Not that I am blaming you for anything that has happened. We are all responsible solely for our own behavior.

  And while I concur with Richard that education is important, and that one must never stop learning, academia is not for everyone. Your decision to attend golf academy instead of a four year college was the right one for you—at the time.

  It is never too late, however, to go back—to go back home, and to go back to decisions made when one was in one’s youth, and reexamine them. It is never too late, in other words, to change one’s mind . . . just as it is never too late to change one’s behavior, though the older one is, the more difficult it becomes.

  The only thing it might be too late to do is win the heart of the object of one’s affections . . . especially when she has already given it to another.

  Then—then, my boy—it might be too late. Act soon, Reed, if you decide to act at all.

  In any case, do let me know how my brother and Connie are doing, and if there is anything I can do to help. The Hoosier heartland has never, of course, been my favorite place, and certainly not in early spring, when it is often still snow-covered.

  But if you need me to travel there to lend a hand, I suppose I could—though they will miss me at the Expo, and I don’t know how my orchids will fare if I’m not there to supervise their transport and care.

  But family are more important than flowers. So call me if you need me.

  Yours very sincerely,

  Uncle Lyle

  Reed Stewart

  6:37 AM

  Hey, Val, sorry, I forgot to call you earlier. Can we take a rain check on Orlando? I’ll make it up to you.

  Val King

  6:38 AM

  Reed. You woke me up.

  Reed Stewart

  6:39 AM

  Oops, sorry. But I’m leaving on a 7AM flight. I have to go see my parents for a few days.

  Val King

  6:40 AM

  Oh God, is it true? You really are the son of those postage stamp people—the Dumbasses of the Week? LOL JK

  Reed Stewart

  6:41 AM

  Who’s been saying that?

  Val King

  6:42 AM

  LOL literally everyone.

  Why? Believe me, they’ve been saying far worse stuff about you—especially your chances at ever winning another Major.

  JK! You know I love you.

  Reed Stewart

  6:45 AM

  As a matter of fact, those are my parents.

  Val King

  6:50 AM

  LOL! Oh, Reed! I had no idea. I’m so sorry, baby!

  Reed Stewart

  6:55 AM

  It’s okay. That’s why I have to go back home. I’ve got to see what I can do to help. Anyway, I’m boarding now.

  Val King

  6:56 AM

  Of course, baby. Take care! Say hi to your parents for me!


  Reed Stewart

  6:59 AM

  Sure. Maybe I’ll see you again someday.

  Val King

  7:00 AM

  ???? Maybe you’ll see me again someday? What the F does that mean????

  Reed Stewart

  7:05 AM

  Alvarez, I know this is last minute, but I’m not going to make it to Orlando until next week. I’ve got some family stuff I need to straighten out. I’ll see you there Monday.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:07 AM

  You don’t think Monday’s cutting it a little short, boudro? Cutler’s already there.

  He and his caddy walked the course yesterday. He signed up for nine holes today. He’s doing a full practice tomorrow—and I’m guessing with this divorce, he’s got more family stuff going on than you do.

  Reed Stewart

  7:07 AM

  Cutler’s an ass.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:07 AM

  An ass who just made World Number 1. MacKenzie dropped out, citing back problems.

  Cutler’s an animal.

  Reed Stewart

  7:08 AM

  Yeah, well, I’m an animal, too.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:08 AM

  Animals don’t go home to their mommies the week before a tournament.

  Reed Stewart

  7:09 AM

  Fine. You go now, check out the greens, and while you’re there, meet with local realtors and pick out a house for me to buy.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:09 AM

  Pick out a house for you to buy? I’m your caddy, not your girlfriend.

  What happened to Valerie?

  Reed Stewart

  7:10 AM

  It’s Valery and we broke up.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:10 AM

  Oh, big surprise. You never stay with a woman for more than 3 months. You know that Chan says you got the 3 month itch. I tried to tell him it’s not true, but you make it hard.

  Reed Stewart

  7:11 AM

  Just find me a house. Nothing too big. Two bedroom, two bath would be great. With a pool, or at least access to a pool. A condo would be best. No yard to mow.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:11 AM

  What? Where’s the hot tub, home theater system, and dedicated game room? This place don’t sound like you, boudro.

  Reed Stewart

  7:12 AM

  It’s not for me. It’s for my parents.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:12 AM

  Now I know you’ve lost it.

  You haven’t spoken to your parents in all the years I’ve known you.

  They’ve never been to one of your games, not even when we played Crooked Stick, and that was only 50 miles from where they live.

  And now you’re not only going home to see them, you’re buying them a house?

  What is going on with you, boudro?

  Reed Stewart

  7:12 AM

  It’s a long story.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:13 AM

  I can’t wait to hear it.

  Fine, I’ll look for a house for your parents.

  But I think you should know that none of the other players ask their caddy to look for houses for their parents.

  Reed Stewart

  7:13 AM

  None of the other players pay their caddy as much as I pay you.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:14 AM

  Not lately, boudro. 10% of nothing is nothing.

  Reed Stewart

  7:14 AM

  I pay you $1700 a week on top of that 10% cut of my winnings, but thanks for the tender reminder.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:14 AM

  Like I said, I ain’t your girlfriend.

  Reed Stewart

  7:14 AM

  And I thank the sweet Lord for it every morning when I see your ugly mug.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:15 AM

  You ain’t no prize either.

  Reed Stewart

  7:15 AM

  Safe travels, boudro.

  Enrique Alvarez

  7:15 AM

  Same to you, boudro.

  From: Carly [email protected]

  To: [email protected]

  Sent: March 14 10:46:09 AM EST

  Subject: Senior Moving Consultant

  Dear Ms. Flowers,

  I was referred to you by the American Association of Senior Move Management website. I hope you can help.

  I’m looking for a caring, experienced individual who can assist my in-laws, the Honorable Judge and Mrs. Richard Stewart, in transitioning to an as-yet-to-be-determined retirement community.

  They have a large home here in Bloomville, which they are somewhat reluctant to leave, but I know it will be for the best considering recent developments. Perhaps you’ve read about them in the newspaper.

  Is there any possible way you’d be interested in helping us? We’d be eternally grateful.

  Please call me any time at your earliest opportunity. My cell number is 812-555-8722.

  Carly Stewart

  P.S.: I think you might know my brother-in-law, Reed Stewart? These are his parents. I hope this won’t be a problem. We would really, really be so grateful.

  Carly R. Stewart | Accountant | Stewart Realty | 801 South Moore Pike, Bloomville, IN 47401 | phone (812) 555-8722 | Please visit StewartRealty.com for all your realty needs

  From: [email protected]

  Date: March 14 11:09:09 AM EST

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Senior Moving Consultant

  Becky, honey, have you seen this? It just came in for you. What would you like me to do?

  P.S. I really think you should say yes. Did you see the article in the paper today? I think it was just disgraceful. I know they have to report the news, but there’s no reason they have to put stories like this on the front page.

  And that Randy Grubb has always been trouble.

  I believe the Stewarts should take Shenanigans to court. That’s elder abuse, if you ask me. I’m going to write a letter to the editor to say so.

  From: [email protected]

  Date: March 14 11:13:02 PM EST

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Senior Moving Consultant

  Mom. Stop reading my email.

  Becky Flowers, CSMM

  Moving Up! Consulting LLC, President

  Nicole F

  11:14 AM

  OMG I can’t believe he had the nerve to ask you for help with his parents.

  Becky F

  11:14 AM

  He didn’t. His sister-in-law did.

  Nicole F

  11:14 AM

  Yeah, but that’s basically like him asking. He has to know about it. I bet he’s still in love with you.

  Becky F

  11:15 AM

  Are you still drunk from last night?

  Nicole F

  11:15 AM

  No. Shut up. I’m totally hydrating with vitamin water.

  So what are you going to say in your reply? Are you going to tell her to go to hell? Do you even know her? I think I remember her. Carly Webb, right? She was on the volleyball team with that stuck-up Summer Walters.

  Becky F

  11:16 AM

  It’s Summer Hayes now. Remember? You should, you tried to kick her last night.

  Nicole F

  11:16 AM

  NOOOOOOO!!!! I tried to kick Summer Walters?

  Becky F

  11:16 AM

  Hayes. How many times have I told you? Ice wines are for sipping, Nicole, not chugging.

  Nicole F

  11:17 AM

  OMG. Henry’s right, I really shouldn’t be allowed anywhere classy like a wine boutique, only biker bars.

  So how are you going to break the news that you’re not taking the job? Do you want me to do it? I’m an expert at rejecting people.

>   Becky F

  11:17 AM

  I haven’t decided yet whether or not to turn down the job.

  Nicole F

  11:17 AM

  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? You’re actually thinking about saying YES???

  Becky F

  11:18 AM

  We need the money, Nicole.

  Nicole F

  11:18 AM

  No, we don’t. I mean we do, but not that much. I can’t even believe you’re suggesting it. We do NOT need any of Reed Stewart’s money. He hurt you, Becky! I was the one who had to mop up your tears all those nights you cried after he went away and never called you again! I will never let you accept a dime of his gross preppie golf money.