Boy Meets Girl Read online

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Cool it! I wouldn’t trade my .5 for that barnacle creeping all the way up her knuckle for all the money in the world. I’m just saying—hey, who’s that guy in the suit heading for the T.O.D.’s office?

  Katydid: Her wedding planner? Geez, she works fast.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Is that a SUMMONS he’s holding?

  Katydid: Oh, God, I hope so. I hope it turns out the T.O.D. is being sued for incompetence.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Um, you don’t think it’s the pre-nup, do you?

  Katydid: Oh my God, Stuart Hertzog would SO make his potential bride sign a pre-nup! What is she doing now, can you see? Is she crying? If she’s crying, it’s definitely the pre-nup.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: I can’t tell if she’s crying or not. She’s still reading it. Okay, he’s leaving the T.O.D’s office. Maybe I can . . . Hey, why is he walking over toward YOU?

  Katydid: Oh, n—

  ATTORNEYS AT LAW

  444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

  New York, NY 10022

  212-555-7900

  Kathleen A. Mackenzie

  Personnel Representative, Human Resources

  The New York Journal

  216 W. 57th Street

  New York, NY 10019

  Dear Ms. Mackenzie,

  Pursuant to Article 29, page 31 of the Collective Bargaining Agreement between the New York Journal and the United Staff Association of NYJ, Local 6884, former employee Ida Lopez has chosen to file a grievance concerning the termination of her employment at the New York Journal.

  You are hereby notified of pending arbitration—in which your employer, as well as you personally, are named as defendants for breach of contract—and during which my firm will be representing you. Please notify my assistant as soon as possible of your availability for a pretrial discovery conference.

  Sincerely,

  Mitchell Hertzog

  ak/MH

  * * *

  To: Jen Sadler

  Fr: Kate Mackenzie

  Re: OH MY GOD

  Mrs. Lopez is suing me! ME!!!!!!!!!! After everything I tried to do for her!!!!!

  Which, considering she did lose her job, isn’t all that much, I guess. But still. I mean, I TRIED. I warned her plenty of times of what might happen if she didn’t stop refusing to let people have pie.

  And now she’s suing me! Can she even have a legal leg to stand on? Did I do something wrong? Oh my God, what if I did something wrong? Then I’ll be fired too!

  Oh my God, this is so like an episode of Charmed: Whatever you put out into the world comes back to you, times three, good or bad. I fired Mrs. Lopez, and now I’m going to have THREE TIMES the bad luck as I did before.

  As if I didn’t already have the worst luck of any girl on the eastern seaboard.

  And who the hell is Mitchell Hertzog? I thought the T.O.D.’s boyfriend’s name was STUART!!!!!!!!

  Kate

  * * *

  To: Kate Mackenzie

  Fr: Amy Jenkins

  Re: (None)

  See me at once.

  Amy Denise Jenkins

  Director

  Human Resources

  The New York Journal

  216 W. 57th Street

  New York, NY 10019

  212-555-6890

  [email protected]

  This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.

  * * *

  To: Jen Sadler

  Fr: Kate Mackenzie

  Re: OH MY GOD

  The T.O.D. wants to see me at once!!!!!!

  Which means I have to have done something wrong!!!!!!!!

  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Kate

  * * *

  To: Stuart Hertzog

  Fr: Amy Jenkins

  Re: Mitchell Hertzog

  Stuart, I have just received a letter from someone whom I can only presume is a family member of yours.

  If this is a joke, I have to say it is in highly questionable taste.

  If it is not a joke, might I ask why, considering the fact that I had Ida Lopez’s employment terminated at your request, someone else from your law office will be representing me and my employer when we go to court against this woman for breach of contract?

  I swore I wasn’t going to bring my personal feelings into this, but I can’t help it. After what happened between us last night, Stuart—how could you let something so important be handled by some underling . . . even if he IS a relative of yours?

  Amy

  Amy Denise Jenkins

  Director

  Human Resources

  The New York Journal

  216 W. 57th Street

  New York, NY 10019

  212-555-6890

  [email protected]

  This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.

  * * *

  To: Amy Jenkins

  Fr: Stuart Hertzog

  Re: Mitchell Hertzog

  Amy, darling, I’m so sorry. Mitch was supposed to wait until I’d had a chance to call you this morning before sending that letter.

  The fact of the matter is, sweetheart, I can’t represent you or the paper, due to the fact that I am so personally involved in the case. However, Mitch—my younger brother—is an excellent lawyer, one of the best we’ve got, and will do just as good a job as I would myself, I swear.

  On a personal note, how could you entertain the idea, even for a moment, that after what happened between us last night, I would ever do anything that might hurt you or your career? When I woke up this morning and gazed down upon your sleeping face, it was as if I was gazing at the face of an angel, and all I could wonder was, what did I ever do to deserve such good fortune? Amy, you are my everything.

  I promise you, you’re in the best of hands.

  Yours, now more than ever,

  Stuart

  Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

  Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

  444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

  New York, NY 10022

  212-555-7900

  * * *

  To: Mitchell Hertzog

  Fr: Stuart Hertzog

  Re: Ida Lopez

  Mitch, you asshole. What do you think you’re doing? I told you not to messenger those letters to the Journal until I’d had a chance to call Amy. Have you been drinking, or are you just criminally stupid? Or do you just not care?

  I’m warning you right now: Fuck up this case and you’re a dead man.

  Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

  Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

  444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

  New York, NY 10022

  212-555-7900

  * * *

  To: Stuart Hertzog

  Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

  Re: Ida Lopez


  Stuie! Nice to hear from you. Isn’t it funny how two people can work down the hall from each other—can come, in fact, from the same gene pool—and yet manage to go weeks without exchanging a single pleasantry?

  In reply to your e-mail, I am neither drunk nor, to the best of my knowledge, criminally stupid. It’s true I don’t care, though. Does that bother you? Sorry. But when a little old lady takes on a titan of publishing like Peter Hargrave, aka owner of New York’s leading photo-newspaper, in a breach of contract suit, it’s kind of hard for me to root for the home team, if you know what I mean.

  Mitch

  P.S. Where were you last night? I called during the Michigan game, but got no answer. I know you never go anywhere except out for drinks with Webber and Doyle, and they’re in Scottsdale with Dad for the golf tourney. Could you, perhaps, have Hooked Up? With AMY?

  * * *

  To: Mitchell Hertzog

  Fr: Stuart Hertzog

  Re: Ida Lopez

  I don’t know what Dad was thinking, asking you to join the firm. You’re as big a slacker now as you were when we were kids.

  And as for my hooking up, that is none of your business.

  Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

  Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

  444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

  New York, NY 10022

  212-555-7900

  * * *

  To: Stuart Hertzog

  Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

  Re: Ida Lopez

  As for Dad hiring me, you’ll remember that it was right after his heart attack. Clearly he wasn’t in his right mind. I warned him then, but he wouldn’t listen.

  So. The hookup. It is that chick from the Journal, isn’t it?

  Stuie, Stuie, Stuie. Have you learned nothing under my tutelage? I thought I told you to stay away from personnel rep types. They’re all psychiatrist wannabes. You really want to get your head shrunk at the same time you’re getting your, um, ego stroked? Not a good idea.

  Hey. Balucchi’s for lunch?

  Mitch

  * * *

  To: Mitchell Hertzog

  Fr: Stuart Hertzog

  Re: Ida Lopez

  You leave my ego out of this, you son of a bitch. Mom’s right: You have no sense of family loyalty. Oh, sure, you took the job when Dad had his triple bypass. But the old guy’s doing fine now. So what are you still doing here?

  And don’t try to give me that shit about Dad wanting you around. I bet you haven’t talked to Dad in weeks, just like the rest of us.

  Why don’t you go back to defending crackheads and the other lowlifes you seem to enjoy hanging around with so much?

  And Amy Jenkins happens to be my fiancée—a word I’m aware you wouldn’t understand, because you’ve never gone out with a woman longer than a single basketball season. I would thank you not to screw up this ridiculous lawsuit against her and her employer—who also happens to be one of our biggest clients, if you’ll trouble yourself to recall.

  And I wouldn’t go to the corner with you, let alone to some chintzy chain ethnic eatery. What the hell is wrong with you? You’re a partner now, you can afford to eat lunch in places that don’t offer a $6.95 all-you-can-eat special, you know. Oh, but wait, I’m sorry, you’re probably saving your money to give away to some bleeding heart Save-the-Crackhead Fund.

  Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

  Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

  444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

  New York, NY 10022

  212-555-7900

  * * *

  To: Stuart Hertzog

  Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

  Re: Ida Lopez

  Touchy touchy touchy! Fiancée, huh? So you’re finally taking the plunge, huh? That’s quite an accomplishment, Stuie. You’re aware that if you go through with it, you might actually have to start sharing your stuff with her? You know, like the remote control, and the SUV, and your wine-of-the-month-club membership, and all of that.

  Admit it, you’re just mad because I made Law Review and you didn’t. Come on, Stuie. You’re the one who got into Yale, while I had to make do with a state education.

  Congrats on the whole wedding thing. I’m sure you two will be happy. And I didn’t mean it about the bulimia thing. Much.

  Mitch

  P.S. Have you told Mom yet? I wouldn’t know, see, on account of how Mom’s still not speaking to me over the whole Janice thing. So if you’re hoping to make her regret ever giving birth to me by telling her all the mean things I said about your girlfriend, too bad.

  She already does.

  Hate me, I mean.

  * * *

  To: Mitchell Hertzog

  Fr: Stuart Hertzog

  Re: Ida Lopez

  Your congratulations are accepted.

  P.S. Stop calling me Stuie!

  Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

  Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

  444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

  New York, NY 10022

  212-555-7900

  * * *

  To: Stacy Trent

  Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

  Re: You’ll never believe this one:

  Stuie’s getting married.

  Mitch

  P.S. No, this is not a joke.

  * * *

  To: Amy Jenkins

  Fr: Stuart Hertzog

  Re: Mitchell Hertzog

  Don’t worry, Amy. It’s all taken care of. I spoke to my brother, and he’s offered us his congratulations. Everything is going to be fine. Mitch just has some issues, because I’m the oldest and—frankly—the best liked by our parents of the four of us kids. That kind of thing can eat away at a person—well, you know that, being in the field you’re in. My sisters—well, my sister Stacy, anyway—have handled it better than Mitch. He has never really lived up to his potential—he has a 165 IQ, but he got lousy grades in school, and didn’t even bother to apply to any good colleges. In fact, he took a year off between high school and college and just roamed aimlessly around the globe, managing to spend his entire two-hundred-thousand-dollar share of the inheritance from our grandfather. I have a feeling he gave most of it away to the Dalai Lama, or some other loser.

  He finally ended up at Michigan State and fell in with a bad crowd—you know the sorts I mean: writers . . . artists . . . democrats. He didn’t even join a fraternity. I was as surprised as anybody when he decided to go to law school instead of joining the Peace Corps or becoming a mime or something.

  Of course, when he graduated, Dad offered him a job with the firm—familial loyalty, and all of that. But would you believe Mitch had the nerve to turn it down? The guy spent four years working as a public defender (!) before finally agreeing to come work for Dad—but not until the old guy was on his deathbed . . . or thought he was, anyway, since he’s apparently doing fine now, given that he never seems to come in off the links.

  Anyway, I can’t say spending all that time with murderers and drug addicts did Mitch’s disposition any good.

  But he’s a damned good lawyer. So you can quit worrying and meet me for lunch at Lespinasse, as we planned. I can’t wait to gaze into those sparkling eyes of yours over a glass of Cristal . . . I hope they’re still shining as brightly as that diamond on your finger. . . .

  Yours, as ever,

  Stuart

  Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

  Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

  444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

  New York, NY 10022

  212-555-7900

  * * *

  To: Stuart Hertzog

  Fr: Amy Je
nkins

  Re: Mitchell Hertzog

  Oh, Stuart, that’s so sweet! I knew you’d take care of it. Thank you so much!

  And don’t worry about that stuff with your brother. We all have family members we’d prefer to have little to do with. I myself have both a sister and a brother I’m not exactly looking forward to introducing to you. And my parents—well, I won’t get into that.

  But there are some family members of mine I’m dying for you to get to know—my Pi Delt sisters! I just know you’re going to love them—they’re really a swell group of gals. A bunch of us are meeting at the Monkey Bar after work . . . PLEASE say you’ll stop by so I can show you off to them. I can’t wait for you to meet them!