Boy Meets Girl Read online

  KM: Okay, Mrs. Lopez, that’s great, but that’s not why we’re here today. We’re here today to talk about Mr. Hertzog—

  IL: Of course. I wouldn’t let him have any of my key lime pie.

  KM: But see, Mrs. Lopez, that’s just it. You can’t, you know, just make arbitrary decisions about who does and who does not get pie in the senior-staff dining room. You have to give pie to anyone who asks for a slice.

  IL: Well, I know I’m supposed to. But you’ve had my desserts, carina. You know they are specially prepared—lovingly prepared, even—for very special people. I don’t feel I should have to share them with just anyone.

  KM: But see, actually, Mrs. Lopez, you do. Because if you don’t, we get complaints, and then you know I have to ask you to come down here and—

  IL: Oh, I know, carina. I’m not blaming you.

  KM: And you know, it would be one thing if you owned your own bakeshop or restaurant, and you refused to serve law—I mean, people like Stuart Hertzog. But you’re employed by the New York Journal, and the paper can’t have you refusing to serve—

  IL: Their lead counsel. I understand, dear. I really do. And you warned me about it before. And so now I suppose that boss of yours wants you to fire me.

  KM: Mrs. Lopez, you know I—

  IL: It’s all right, Kate. No need to get upset. She likes Señor Hertzog. I know that.

  KM: If there was anything I could—I mean, was Mr. Hertzog mean to you? Did he say something rude to you? Because if I could just give Amy—I mean, my superiors—a reason why you might have refused to serve Mr. Hertzog—

  IL: Oh, he knows.

  KM: Well, that’s just it. I mean, he says he doesn’t know.

  IL: Oh no. He knows.

  KM: Well, maybe if you could tell me—

  IL: Oh, I couldn’t do that! Now, you must have Security escort me out.

  KM: I’m so sorry, Mrs. Lopez. But, yes, I’m going to have to—

  IL: It’s all right. One of them will be the Hopkins boy. He loves my cranberry scones. I’ll have to check to make sure I—Oh, yes, here’s one. It was so nice visiting with you, carina. Let’s see, you’re friends with that nice Señora Sadler. Here, be sure to give her this. My gingersnaps are her favorites, and I know that, with the baby shots and all, she’s very sad. But tell her she shouldn’t worry. She’ll have a nice baby girl by the end of next year.

  KM: Mrs. Lopez—

  IL: Oh, don’t cry, carina! I’m sure you’re not supposed to cry when you fire someone. Here, we’ll turn this off, so we don’t get you into—

  * * *

  To: Kate Mackenzie

  Fr: Amy Jenkins

  Re: Ida Lopez

  Please see me first thing tomorrow morning concerning the recording of your interview with Ida Lopez, which I’ve just finished listening to.

  Amy Denise Jenkins

  Director

  Human Resources

  The New York Journal

  216 W. 57th Street

  New York, NY 10019

  212-555-6890

  [email protected]

  This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.

  Appetizers

  Soup of the Day $3.75

  Oh my God, I am so fired. I can’t believe how fired I am. Why did I have to start crying during the

  Guacamole $3.75

  interview? Why didn’t I think to turn the tape off before I started bawling my head off?

  Sweet Plantains $3.75

  Why can’t I be like the T.O.D.? SHE would never cry while firing someone. But I don’t WANT to be

  Yucca Fries $2.75

  like the T.O.D. I hate her. I should just quit. Now I have to find a new job on top of a new apt. and

  Nachos with Cheese $3.95

  boyfriend. WHY IS EVERYTHING BAD HAPPENING TO ME ALL AT ONCE???? And why

  Nachos with Jalapenos $4.95

  can I never find my journal when I need it? Which begs the question, where is it? What if

  Nachos with Beef $5.95

  Amy or one of the housekeeping staff finds it? And reads it? Then I will be fired for sure. And

  Nachos Grandes $6.95

  where the hell is Jen? She said to meet at Lupe’s after work, and so I’m here but she’s not, and now I

  Salsa Cruda $1.50

  am sitting here by myself pretending to be jotting important business notes on this menu so that creepy

  Quesadillas $3.50

  guy in the corner won’t come over here and start talking to me. Must try to appear like imp. business

  Quesadilla Grandes $6.95

  woman with no time for casual flirtation in Mexican restaurant. Oh my God, what if Jen doesn’t come

  Mini Quesadilla Grandes $5.95

  and I end up having to eat here by myself and that guy comes over and tries to join me and it turns out

  House Salad $3.95

  he’s the vestibule rapist and he follows me back to Jen’s building and pulls a knife on me? Thank

  Mexican Salad $5.95

  God I took that self-defense class through the Staff Resource Program. Won’t he be surprised when

  Mexican Grilled Chicken Salad $8.25

  I break his nasal cartilage with an upthrust heel of the hand and send it back into his brain stem, instantly

  Mexican Bean Salad $6.95

  paralyzing him? Although on the whole I would much rather just meet Jen for drinks like we planned.

  Sides

  Oh, God, I need a beer. Poor Mrs. Lopez! I guess she is looking for a job now, too. Only she has

  Chips $1.00

  a lot more chance than I do of getting something decent. Those cookies were delicious, anybody

  Spanish Rice $1.75

  would hire her in a minute, whereas I am totally useless. I can only type 35 words per minute and God

  Jalapenos $1.00

  knows I can’t supervise, my people skills are for shit, I can’t even get a decent boyfriend let alone tell

  Sour Cream $1.00

  people how to do their jobs. It is such a joke, the paper hiring me, it is just a wonder I have even

  Chopped Onion $1.00

  lasted this long, at this point I should just—Oh, there’s Jen, THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Dear Kate,

  Sorry to leave a note taped up to the door like this (hi, Jen, hi, Craig), but it’s not like you’ve really given me much of an alternative. I mean, if you’d stop screening your calls at work and on your cell and pick up once in a while, I wouldn’t have to pull this stalkery crap. I’ve seriously got to talk to you, I’m going crazy here. You won’t return my messages, and every time I try to reach you at Jen’s, she says you’re out. I know you’re not out, I know you’re probably sitting right there on the couch right now watching freaking Charmed, or whatever.

  Anyway, about that whole One Day at a Time thing. Look, maybe we WILL be together forever. Or maybe we won’t. I mean, I’m not omission. I can’t see into the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

  Why can’t things go back to being the way they were, you know? How come all of a sudden we have to put, like, these labels on things? I mean, like why is it so important to you that I say I’ll love you forever? Why can’t I just say I love you, like, for now? Why isn’t that enough, all of a sudden? It was enough for the past ten years.

  Katie, COME HOME. I miss you. The guys miss you, too.

  Love,

  Dale

  P.S. I could really use your advice. The studio�
�s being really assholish, they’re trying to make us change our name from I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches to just Sandwich. What kind of name is that for a band? Who’s gonna buy a record from a band called Sandwich?

  Hi, you’ve reached Kate and Dale. We can’t come to the phone right now, so at the tone, please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you. Thanks!

  (Tone)

  Dale, you have got to change that message. I don’t live there anymore, remember? Anyway, about your note . . . Oh my God, I don’t even know why I called. Just forget it, okay? Nothing’s changed, I just—Oh, never mind.

  (Click)

  Hi, you’ve reached Kate and Dale. We can’t come to the phone right now, so at the tone, please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you. Thanks!

  (Tone)

  Oh my God, you have got to change that message. It’s Jen, by the way. You remember me, right? Your ex-girlfriend’s best friend? The word is omniscient, buddy, not omission. Got it? Good. Oh, also, don’t come around here anymore. You just make Kate sad. And no, I’m not drunk right now, but am totally hopped up on hormones, so you’d better be scared, because I swear to God, if I catch you around here again, I’ll—

  (Click)

  (Tone)

  Hi, you’ve reached Kate and Dale. We can’t come to the phone right now, so at the tone, please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you. Thanks!

  (Tone)

  Stupid machine cut me off. I really mean it. Remember that time in college when I threatened to kick the ass of that friend of yours who brought the smack to the house party Kate and I had? Remember? I didn’t care that he had a gun, I wasn’t scared of him. Well, that’s what I’m going to do to you, too, bud, if you keep on. . . . What do you mean hang up the phone? No, I will not hang up the phone, Craig, I happen to be helping Kate. She had a very bad day and I am just—no, I am not making things worse, I’m helping. I happen to be a trained human resources representative, and I’m—don’t you—Give me that!

  (Click)

  Hi, you’ve reached Kate and Dale. We can’t come to the phone right now, so at the tone, please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you. Thanks!

  (Tone)

  Dude, it’s Craig. Sorry about that. Jen and Kate went out for mojitos, and Jen just had one, but she’s wasted. You know, she’s on all those fertility drugs, so she gets really drunk on just like one drink. So, sorry, man. I took the phone away from her and hid it in the closet. She should be all right in the morning. I hope.

  (Click)

  From the Desk of

  Kate Mackenzie

  * * *

  To do:

  Quit job (unless fired; if fired, see #2).

  Start packing up belongings.

  ASPIRIN????? Maybe in bottom drawer.

  Find new job.

  Find new apartment.

  Find new boyfriend.

  Oh, God, I don’t know, my head is throbbing. . . . Did I call Dale last night? God, I hope not.

  Pick up dry cleaning!!!!!!!!!

  Kathleen A. Mackenzie

  Personnel Representative, L­Z

  Human Resources

  The New York Journal

  216 W. 57th Street

  New York, NY 10019

  212-555-6891

  [email protected]

  * * *

  Chelsea/19th betw. 9th and 10th.

  Exp. brk. wall, grt. light, elev.

  bldg., courtyd. view. $1195, No

  Fee. Call Ron 718-555-7757

  * * *

  Yo. It’s Ron. Leave a message.

  (Tone)

  Hi, Ron? It’s Kate. Kate Mackenzie, I left a message yesterday? About the studio in the East Thirties? Well, I never heard from you. Does that mean the studio’s taken already? Well, even if it is, can you call me back? Because I saw your ad for the place in Chelsea. The one that’s eleven ninety-five? Could you call me about that one? Because I’m really interested. Again, it’s 212-555-6891 until five, then you can reach me at 212-555-1324. And thanks. Thanks a lot. Call anytime.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Does your head hurt as much as mine does?

  Katydid: More. You only had one drink, remember? I had seven. Do you think I’m fired?

  Sleaterkinneyfan: For coming in with a hangover? Whatever. They’d have to fire the whole department. Especially the day after the Christmas party.

  Katydid: No, for crying while I fired Mrs. Lopez.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Oh, please. This is Human Resources. They never fire anybody in this department. Maybe if you stripped off your blouse and started singing “Everybody Wang Chung Tonight” in the mailroom.

  Katydid: The T.O.D. wants me in her office at ten. I will bet you anything it’s to give me a verbal warning.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Would you stop? They are not going to fire you. If anybody’s getting fired, it’s the T.O.D. Did you see all the senior staff members standing around outside the dining room this morning, looking (ineffectually) for Mrs. L’s dessert cart? There are going to be some phone calls today, believe me, when word gets up to the VPs that there aren’t going to be any more chocolate cheesecake muffins.

  Katydid: They’ll just find some other outside vendor.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Yeah, but no one’s muffins can match Mrs. L’s.

  Katydid: True. Jen, I think I have to quit.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: WHAT???????????????

  Katydid: Seriously. I mean, how can I stand by and let them do that to poor Mrs. Lopez? I mean, it isn’t right. She’s a sixty-four-year-old woman.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: A sixty-four-year-old woman who wouldn’t give pie to the head of personnel’s boyfriend, who also happens to be one of the most powerful lawyers in the city, and this company’s chief legal counsel. Kate, you had no choice. Mrs. Lopez brought it on herself. You’d warned her before. It isn’t like she wasn’t aware of the consequences.

  Katydid: Yeah, but maybe I wasn’t stern enough with her. Maybe she didn’t take me seriously. Nobody does, you know. Takes me seriously. I mean, why should they? I’m just like this IDIOT from Kentucky who dated the same guy all through high school and college. Why did I even major in Psych in college? I mean, seriously. I am the worst judge of character of ALL TIME.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Because you suck at everything else, remember? Besides, weren’t we going to help people?

  Katydid: WHO ARE WE HELPING?

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Come on. You know you’ve helped a lot of people. What about that girl you hired for the Art Department last month? The one who was so happy when she found out she got the job, she cried and sent you flowers?

  Katydid: So I had one good day. But come on, Jen. We’re not exactly Making a Difference. Like we planned. I mean, remember when we were going to open Jen and Kate’s Free Therapy Clinic?

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Yes, but that was before we moved to Manhattan and had to dedicate half of our salaries to rent.

  Katydid: Maybe we should have stayed in Kentucky.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: So we could be spending our weekends eating pork tenderloin at the NASCAR races? No thank you.

  Katydid: I happen to like pork tenderloin. Um . . . Speaking of Kentucky, do you remember if I called Dale last night? I have this dim memory that I did.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: So what if you did? I mean, the goober asked you to, remember? In that stupid note. Seriously, there is something wrong with him. Who leaves NOTES on people’s DOORS in New York City? And what was that slur against Charmed? Charmed happens to be a very good show.

  Katydid: I know! Witches! Helping people!

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Totally helping people. And killing demons at the same time. In halter tops.

  Katydid: I wasn’t mean to him, was I? When I called him back?

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Oh, would you get over it? Who takes relationships one day at a time? I mean after TEN YEARS, three of which you lived together, for crying out loud.

  Katydid: WHY DID I STAY WITH HIM FOR SO LONG????? I’m such a lo
ser.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: You are not a loser. You know who’s a loser? The T.O.D. Did you see what she has on?

  Katydid: Oh my God, I know. The same thing she was wearing yesterday.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: The T.O.D. got some! Did you see that hickey on her neck? She tried to hide it with concealer, but it is SO OBVIOUS. Why didn’t she go home to change before coming in this morning? That is so . . . gross. It’s like she WANTS us to know. Like she’s rubbing it in.

  Katydid: It’s working. I can’t believe the T.O.D. is having sex and I’m not.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: And you so know who she’s doing it WITH. Mr. No Pie For You himself. Oh my God, wait. . . . Did you see that?

  Katydid: See what?

  Sleaterkinneyfan: When she waved her hand just now, talking to Steph at the reception desk. Is that a DIAMOND ON HER LEFT RING FINGER????

  Katydid: ohmygod

  Sleaterkinneyfan: That is the hugest rock I have ever seen. It’s the size of my belly button!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Katydid: She’s engaged. I can’t believe it. The T.O.D. is engaged.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: MRS. STUART HERTZOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Katydid: I can’t believe someone asked the T.O.D. to marry him. I can’t even get a guy to agree to admit he might still be going out with me this summer, let alone FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: *I* can’t believe she hasn’t come over here to throw it up in our faces. I mean, that has to be three carats, at least. Although compared to my paltry .5, anything would look big.

  Katydid: Hey! Craig spent what he could afford. It wasn’t easy, picking out a ring on a computer programmer’s salary. A computer programmer’s starting salary.