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  PELICAN BEACH GOLF RESORT

  Practice “Good Golf”

  Date:

  March 13

  Scorer:

  Reed Stewart

  Attest:

  Enrique Alvarez

  Please—Repair Ball Marks on Greens—Fill Divots With Sand – USGA Rules Govern All Play –

  Please Note: This course is proudly irrigated with reclaimed water.

  Thank you for playing Pelican Beach Golf Resort!

  Mom

  5:45 PM

  Becky, Nicole just told me about the Stewarts! Bloomville hasn’t been on the news in years. Not since that tornado over by the mall. And the Dumbbell Killer, of course.

  Becky

  5:45 PM

  Mom, where are you?

  Mom

  5:46 PM

  I’m at the park. I’d call but there’s such terrible reception here. I could barely hear Nicole when she called to tell me Jackie Monroe from Channel 4 was talking about the judge. Can you imagine? Jackie was talking about OUR town!

  Becky

  5:46 PM

  Mom, it’s going to get dark soon. Why are you at the park?

  Mom

  5:46 PM

  Sunset tonight isn’t until after 7. And I found so many wonderful sticks here the other day when I was helping the Girl Scouts clean up after that storm.

  Becky

  5:46 PM

  You also found a drunk homeless man urinating near your car, remember?

  Mom

  5:47 PM

  Oh, he was harmless. I only called the police because I didn’t want the girls to see him with his pants down. Although I’m sure some of them have seen worse.

  Becky

  5:47 PM

  Mom, they sell firewood at Home Depot.

  Mom

  5:47 PM

  Not firewood, honey. Sticks. Didn’t I show you my latest design? I’m spray-painting sticks white and then hanging little quilted letters from them that spell out the word BLESSED.

  Becky

  5:47 PM

  Why exactly are you doing this?

  Mom

  5:47 PM

  Because everyone uses the word BLESSED under the photos they post of themselves on vacation on Facebook. Or under their grandchildren’s photos.

  Becky

  5:47 PM

  I know what blessed means, Mom, and understand the connotation. I still use the Count Your Blessings Gratitude Journal that Grandma gave me for Christmas. I just don’t get what the sticks are for.

  Mom

  5:48 PM

  Oh, I’m so glad you still have the journal! Jackie Monroe says that journaling helps reduces stress.

  But with my design, you can just hang the stick over your head and take your selfie. You don’t have to write the word BLESSED underneath anymore. It already says BLESSED above. So it saves a step.

  Becky

  5:48 PM

  It’s called a hashtag, Mom.

  Mom

  5:48 PM

  I’m calling them Blessie Sticks. You know like Selfie Sticks? I already made some Blessie Sticks for my craft booth at the farmers’ market last Sunday, and they ended up being my bestseller! Dr. McLintock’s wife bought 12 at $50 each to give to the nurses’ aides at the hospital. I couldn’t believe it!

  Becky

  5:48 PM

  I can’t believe it either.

  Mom

  5:49 PM

  So I’m going to make a lot more for the craft show in South Bend next weekend. I have plenty of fabric so all I need are sticks. But they need to be NICE sticks, not too dirty or with any leaves on them. And no bugs, either, obviously.

  So I wanted to know if you’re going to call him?

  Becky

  5:49 PM

  Who?

  Mom

  5:49 PM

  Well, Reed of course. I’m sure he’ll be coming back now that his poor parents are convicts. Are you going to call him?

  Becky

  5:49 PM

  Why would I call Reed, Mom?

  Mom

  5:50 PM

  Well, the two of you used to be so close.

  Becky

  5:50 PM

  That was ten years ago, Mom. I’m an adult now and I’m in an adult relationship. Remember? My boyfriend, Graham?

  Mom

  5:50 PM

  Oh, I know. Reed was just so special. Even in high school he stood out from the other boys, so tall and polite, and he got along so well with your dad. Remember how he used to take Dad to the country club to play golf?

  Becky

  5:51 PM

  I remember, Mom.

  Mom

  5:51 PM

  None of your other boyfriends ever did that.

  Becky

  5:52 PM

  That’s because Dad died, Mom.

  Mom

  5:52 PM

  Well, I’m just saying, Reed was a very nice boy. And everyone makes mistakes, so you shouldn’t hold that little thing that happened on prom night against him. He’s obviously changed his ways. He’d have to, in order to win all those tournaments and endorsements! And maybe you could help those poor people.

  Becky

  5:52 PM

  What people?

  Mom

  5:52 PM

  His parents. They were so very kind to us when Dad got sick.

  Becky

  5:52 PM

  Mom, I don’t really have time for this now, I’m heading over to Authentic for the tasting tonight.

  Mom

  5:53 PM

  Oh, well, give Graham my love. Tell him I simply adored his Blue Log.

  Becky

  5:53 PM

  ?!

  Mom

  5:53 PM

  You know, that cheese he suggested for my quilting group. It was delicious.

  Becky

  5:54 PM

  Oh. I’ll be sure to let him know. Don’t spend too long in the park, Mom.

  Mom

  5:54 PM

  Oh, I won’t. It looks like all the best sticks are gone anyway. I’ll probably try the empty lot by the firehouse next. Have fun tonight!

  From: Trimble Stewart-Antonelli@Stewart&Stewart.com

  Date: March 13 7:06:26 PM EST

  To: Carly [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]; Reed [email protected]

  Cc: Tony [email protected]

  Subject: Our Parents

  Dear Marshall, Reed, and Carly (I am including you, Carly, because I know Marshall tells you everything anyway, and of course I’m including my own spouse, Tony):

  I have bailed Mom and Dad out of jail.

  No need to thank or repay me. As their eldest child (and executor of their Will) it was my obligation.

  I’m writing to let you know, however, that this is the last time I will have anything to do with our parents. Their recent behavior is not only embarrassing, it is jeopardizing both my standing as an officer of the court, and Tony’s standing in the community as a well-known restaurateur (for those of you who don’t know, he’s starting a sister restaurant to Antonelli’s next month in Dearborn which he plans to call Antonelli’s II).

  I’m not sure if any of you are aware of the extent to which Mom and Dad have gone downhill. I found out this afternoon when I asked them to reimburse me for their bond ($1600.00), and they informed me that they have no money.

  Not no money saved for retirement. They have NO MONEY AT ALL.

  Not only have they taken out a second mortgage on the house, they’ve been taking out cash advances on their credit cards to pay (some of) their bills.

  (I say “some of” their bills because when I dropped them off at the house, I found numerous “past due” notices in the mailbox, which they had clearly not checked in some time. They included bills from local businesses, such as Hayes Hardware, from which Daddy has evidently purchased a new pool liner.)

  On the other hand, Mom has purchased
over $5,000 worth of scratch-offs from Publishers Clearing House in the past three months. She paid for those by check.

  When I confronted our parents about this, they laughed and told me not to worry because “It’s all going to get straightened out.”

  Would you like to know how?

  Apparently, our parents’ entire financial plan for retirement is to make “millions” by selling more stamps like the one with which they tried to rip off Shenanigans last night, and winning the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

  OUR PARENTS ARE COLLEGE EDUCATED. HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING?

  I attempted to explain to both of them that even in the unlikely event they made a fortune off Daddy’s stamp collection and Mom’s scratch-offs, they’d still have to pay taxes on both the sales and winnings, and that even then there would certainly not be enough money left over to pay for:

  1.The removal of over a dozen feral cats that currently live in and around the house.

  2.The mortgage(s).

  3.The two Mercedes (would anyone care to explain to me why our parents are currently leasing two brand-new Mercedes when they can’t even afford one?), or

  4.The US government, to which Daddy owes thousands in back taxes (which he does not feel he actually owes, because, he explained to me, his accountant died five years ago. According to Daddy, when your accountant dies, you do not have to pay taxes anymore. What a wonderful law of which I was not aware until now! Why don’t we all start murdering our accountants? Then we’ll never have to pay taxes again).

  Thank God Daddy signed the office over to me outright as my graduation present from law school, or that would soon be foreclosed on as well.

  When I told Daddy that he was deluded and it was clearly time for him and Mom to give me power of attorney over their finances so I could straighten out this mess (as executor, I can only arrange for payment of their debts after they are deceased), he told me to “Go suck an egg.”

  And when I suggested very nicely that he and Mommy might want to visit some doctor other than Dr. Jones to get an opinion on the state of their mental health, since it’s very clear—to me, anyway—that the two of them are cuckoo, he told me on no uncertain terms to get out of the house.

  Even my advice that they move to a nice senior living community in California like Uncle Lyle did, and sell the house (or at least put in the appearance of trying to sell it before the bank seizes it, not that anyone would ever want to buy that foul-smelling crumbling heap), was met with extreme harshness. Daddy informed me that the only way he’ll ever leave Bloomville is “in a pine box.”

  So I’m writing this to say good luck. I have done my part today, and I won’t be doing any more. My husband and I have our own businesses to run, as well as two teenagers to raise. I do not have the time or inclination to play games with those yo-yos who call themselves our parents.

  In the unlikely event you ARE able to talk sense into those two, I hope you remember that Mom said I could have all the silver and Waterford crystal, and of course the Venetian glass chandelier from the dining room. You don’t have a formal dining room, Carly, so the chandelier wouldn’t fit, and your children are too young to appreciate stemware.

  And none of those items would suit your lifestyle, Reed.

  As executor of their Will—and what I’ve been through today—frankly, it’s the least I deserve.

  Sincerely,

  Trimble Stewart-Antonelli

  Attorney at Law

  Stewart & Stewart, LLC

  1911 South Moore Pike

  Bloomville, IN 47401

  (812) 555-9721

  www.stewart&stewart.com

  Carly

  7:37 PM

  I hate your sister.

  Marshall

  7:37 PM

  Calm down. Remember what the therapist said.

  Carly

  7:37 PM

  I do. That’s why I’m texting that I hate your sister instead of screaming it in front of the kids.

  Marshall

  7:38 PM

  No, not that part. About how Trimble can’t help the way she is. She has self-esteem issues.

  Carly

  7:38 PM

  Well, maybe that is something your parents should have thought about before they named her Trimble.

  Then she might not have felt the need to marry the first and only guy who ever asked her out, and who turned out to be so unlikable he could never get a job, so his own parents had to buy him a pizza parlor just so he’d have some form of employment.

  Marshall

  7:39 PM

  You think HER name is bad? I’m named after Thurgood Marshall.

  And whoever heard of Supreme Court Justice Stanley Forman REED?

  Carly

  7:40 PM

  The supreme court justice your parents named your sister after died after serving only two years on the bench.

  Plus people in high school called her TRIM for short.

  Marshall

  7:40 PM

  Ergo why she has low self-esteem.

  Carly

  7:40 PM

  I don’t care. I still hate her. Almost as much as I hate Summer Hayes.

  Marshall

  7:41 PM

  I hope you feel better now that you got that off your chest.

  Carly

  7:41 PM

  I do a little. Thank you.

  We still have to decide what we’re going to do about your parents though.

  Marshall

  7:41 PM

  Kill my sister?

  Carly

  7:41 PM

  Authentic Wine and Cheese Boutique

  added an event

  12 hrs

  Wine and Cheese Tasting Tonight between 6pm and 10pm.

  Sample wines and cheeses from around the world!

  Tony Antonelli, Summer Hayes, Becky Flowers, and 54 others like this.

  TOP COMMENTS

  Becky Flowers—Can’t wait!

  Today at 1:10

  Graham Tucker—

  Henry De Santos—Save me some of that cabernet we had the other night!

  Today at 1:16 PM

  Nicole Flowers—And some of those ice wines!

  Today at 2:45

  Graham Tucker—On your special shelf, guys!

  Today at 3:12 PM

  Tony Antonelli—Totally going to see you there, bruh!

  Today at 3:45 PM

  Graham Tucker—Awesome!

  Today at 3:52 PM

  Trimble Stewart-Antonelli—We would love to come, but we have to put our little ones to bed after we make them a delicious, homemade, organic dinner with the whole family, like we do every night, because FAMILY comes first. Plus I get migraines when I drink wine.

  Today at 5:30 PM

  Graham Tucker—Next time, try stopping by to pick up a bottle of pinot noir to drink at home while you make your family dinner, Trimble. Pinots noirs are naturally low in tannins, as are white wines like pinot gris. The number one cause for wine headaches is dehydration, so be sure to drink plenty of water while enjoying my wines!

  Today at 5:32 PM

  Graham Tucker—I’d just like to say that I appreciate all of you supporting locally owned businesses, particularly Authentic, and that on St. Patrick’s Day, there will be a 10% discount for any members of law enforcement or the Armed Forces who attend our Irish Cheddar tasting!

  Today at 6:00 PM

  Henry De Santos—Woo-hoo!

  Today at 6:02 PM

  Going (128)

  Recent Guests (20+ new)

  Maybe (47)

  Invited (527)

  SkypeContactsCallViewToolsHelp

  Marshall Stewart Joined Chat 10:02 PM

  Carly Stewart Joined Chat 10:02 PM

  Marshall Stewart

  Wait, what are we doing here again?

  Carly Stewart

  Instant messaging with Reed about your parents.

  Marshall Stewart

  Why not Facetiming?

/>   Carly Stewart

  I told you. Reed ran over his phone with a golf cart and broke the camera.

  Marshall Stewart

  Again?

  Carly Stewart

  Just be glad I finally reached him.

  Marshall Stewart

  Why can’t my family be normal for once?

  Carly Stewart

  Oh, sweetie, if you think you or your family will ever be normal you are sadly mistaken.

  Marshall Stewart

  What do you

  Reed Stewart Joined Chat 10:04 PM

  Reed Stewart

  Hey, hey, hey! How’s my favorite pair of breeders?

  Marshall Stewart

  Shut up. Our parents are felons.

  Reed Stewart

  And a good day to you, too, big bro!

  Carly Stewart

  Good evening. It’s night here now, Reed.

  Marshall Stewart

  What precisely is good about anything that has happened in the past 24 hours?