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From: Carly [email protected]

  Date: March 13 12:06:26 PM EST

  To: Summer Hayes

  Subject: Judge Stewart

  Hi, Summer. Yes, Bailey is very fond of her Chief Massasoit costume. I don’t see what’s wrong with that. If it weren’t for Chief Massasoit bringing the Pilgrims all that venison on Thanksgiving, our country probably wouldn’t exist, because our forefathers would have starved to death.

  Anyway, yes, Judge Stewart is my father-in-law. Why are you sorry about that?

  Carly R. Stewart | Accountant | Stewart Realty | 801 South Moore Pike, Bloomville, IN 47401 | phone (812) 555-8722 | Please visit StewartRealty.com for all your realty needs

  From: Summer Hayes

  Date: March 13 12:15:03 PM EST

  To: Carly [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Judge Stewart

  Just so you know, Carly, one of the parents complained at the last soccer game that she found it culturally insensitive of Bailey to be wearing that costume, especially considering the fact that your family, as far as any of us know, isn’t Native American.

  And then when Bailey took it upon herself to perform that war dance—or whatever it was—at halftime, numerous parents from the opposing team expressed concern. The Bloomville Girls Soccer League’s mascot is a chipmunk, not a Wampanoag Indian chief who never even lived in Southern Indiana.

  I know how busy you must be as a working mom, and probably simply haven’t realized any of this—just like you haven’t realized that today’s Crime Report in the Bloomville Herald features a story about your in-laws having been arrested last night at Shenanigans at the Bloomville Mall—but it would really help if you’d have a discussion with your daughter about cultural insensitivity to indigenous peoples.

  Thanks!

  Summer

  Britney’s Mommy

  Carly Stewart

  12:22 PM

  GET IN HERE NOW.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:25 PM

  Can’t. I’m in that meeting with the Patels.

  I think they’re going to bite on the Thomas property! They haven’t even asked about the water damage!

  Carly Stewart

  12:27 PM

  YOUR PARENTS GOT ARRESTED AT SHENANIGANS LAST NIGHT.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:30 PM

  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDGGGGGGEE

  Marshall Stewart

  12:30 PM

  Fudge. I mean fudge. Stupid autocorrect!

  How could this have happened?

  Carly Stewart

  12:30 PM

  What do you mean how could this have happened? I’ve been warning you since Christmas that something like this was going to happen. But do you ever listen to me? No.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:30 PM

  What are you talking about?

  Carly Stewart

  12:30 PM

  What part can’t you figure out? The part where my high school nemesis just informed me that my in-laws were arrested last night, or the part where you refuse to admit your parents need professional help?

  Marshall Stewart

  12:31 PM

  My father is a very intelligent man. He’s just eccentric.

  Carly Stewart

  12:31 PM

  Marshall, your father took a left turn past eccentric and pulled into Crazy Town six months ago. And now everyone in Bloomville knows it but you.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:32 PM

  You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?

  Carly Stewart

  12:32 PM

  Enjoying that my mother-in-law, who gave me knives for my last birthday, is in jail? How could you imagine such a thing?

  Marshall Stewart

  12:33 PM

  Those were really expensive knives. They cost like $80.

  Carly Stewart

  12:33 PM

  Don’t you have slightly more important things to worry about right now than how much your mother spent on her last birthday gift to me? Like where your parents are, and what the Patels think you’re doing while you’re texting me?

  Marshall Stewart

  12:33 PM

  The Patels think I’m looking up zoning restrictions. They want to put in a pool.

  But I guess that’s a good question. Where are my parents now?

  Carly Stewart

  12:34 PM

  The Patels can’t put in a pool unless they build a ten-foot retaining wall. That house is in a historic floodplain. Remember, we had this exact same problem when the Greenwalds wanted to make an offer last year?

  Marshall Stewart

  12:34 PM

  I AM AWARE OF THAT, CARLY. WHERE ARE MY PARENTS???

  Carly Stewart

  12:34 PM

  Oh, NOW you’re concerned. I have been telling you since Christmas that there is something wrong with your parents, but you wouldn’t listen.

  “They’re just eccentric.” “They like collecting.” “It’s totally normal to own that many ceramic cat figurines.”

  Why do I have to do everything in this relationship? WHY? You DO have other family members, including a sister who is co-counsel at your father’s private law office.

  Not that she would deign to answer the phone when I called to ask the exact question you just did—where are your parents.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:35 PM

  Don’t bring my sister into this. And what did you mean you warned me about this at Christmas? What happened at Christmas?

  Carly Stewart

  12:35 PM

  You mean when your parents invited us over for dinner and we saw all those turkey carcasses sitting out on the front lawn leftover from when they had us for Thanksgiving?

  You didn’t find that odd?

  Marshall Stewart

  12:36 PM

  Mom said she left them out there for the cats.

  Carly Stewart

  12:37 PM

  Marshall. Your parents don’t own any cats.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:37 PM

  Oh.

  Well, I guess they do now.

  Carly Stewart

  12:38 PM

  Yes. Every cat in the neighborhood.

  Now can we please admit that your parents have a problem and DO something about it? Because I personally can’t stand the idea of Summer Hayes dishing about my in-laws on Facebook. Which, FYI, she’s been doing, in between complaining about Bailey and her Chief Massasoit costume.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:38 PM

  What’s wrong with Bailey’s Chief Massasoit costume? Besides the fact that it’s filthy because she refuses to take it off?

  Carly Stewart

  12:38 PM

  Summer Hayes says other parents have been complaining that it’s culturally insensitive.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:38 PM

  Great. I’m going to kill myself.

  Right after I kill those other parents. And then my own parents.

  Do you realize the Patels may be the last clients we ever have? Every single other person in this town knows that the Honorable Judge Richard P. Stewart is my father.

  Which means that every single person in this town with a Stewart Realty sign on their front lawn will probably be stuffing it into their recycling bin tonight, since they aren’t going to want to associate with the son of a known felon.

  Carly Stewart

  12:38 PM

  Now you’re overreacting. We don’t even have the whole story yet. Your parents are innocent until proven guilty, right? That’s what your dad always said about the people he saw in court every day, anyway.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:39 PM

  Yeah, and look what happened to most of them.

  GUILTY.

  Carly Stewart

  12:39 PM

  Stop it. This town, like your dad, has always been pretty forgivi
ng. They forgave your brother, Reed, didn’t they? He used to be the most hated boy in Bloomville.

  Now he’s their golden child. They have the shoes he wore in the US Open hanging on the wall at Antonelli’s Pizza!

  Marshall Stewart

  12:40 PM

  Carly, my sister is married to the owner of Antonelli’s.

  Remember what the therapist said? There’s a difference between being supportive and being condescending.

  Have you been able to reach Trimble? Reed? Anyone?

  Carly Stewart

  12:40 PM

  The receptionist says your sister got called to a meeting at her kids’ school and can’t be disturbed—something going on with Ty.

  And your brother’s phone goes instantly to voice mail. I suppose, since he’s on California time, he isn’t up yet.

  P.S. The therapist ALSO said you have anger issues and need a hobby.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:41 PM

  Reed is up. He’s probably already out on the links, hitting balls. That bastard.

  And if Ty is anything like her mother was when SHE was 14, I BET she got called to a meeting at her school.

  Look, how many subscribers to the Bloomville Herald can there even be? 5,000? 2,000?

  Carly Stewart

  12:42 PM

  I don’t know. Not that many. Aren’t they always complaining about how nobody reads newspapers anymore? Journalists are getting laid off right and left, I heard.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:42 PM

  Right! So long as no one on social media picks up on the story, we’ll be fine. This whole thing is probably nothing. A mountain out of a molehill.

  Carly Stewart

  12:42 PM

  Marshall, that’s what you’ve been saying about your parents for months now, and look what’s happened. I think you’re in denial. They need help. Serious help.

  Marshall Stewart

  12:42 PM

  Come on. They’re fine. Dad’s the smartest guy who ever lived in this town. And Mom’s great! I bet this whole thing was a misunderstanding, and by dinnertime, it will all have blown over, and we’ll be having a good laugh over it with Mom and Dad. Wait and see.

  DUMBASS OF THE WEEK

  Be glad the only embarrassing thing your parents ever do is post your old baby photos on Facebook!

  The Honorable Judge Richard P. Stewart and his wife, both 75 and natives of Bloomville, Indiana, enjoyed their romantic dinner at their local Shenanigans Neighborhood Bar and Grill last night so much, they decided to pay for it in a very special way.

  When waitress Tiffany Gosling (also of the delightfully named Bloomville) went to their table after the couple had left, she found a postage stamp attached to the bill (in lieu of the more customary form of payment, money). Along with the stamp was a note that said:

  Thank you for the lovely meal. Please accept this rare two cent commemorative postal stamp of our nation’s first president, George Washington, as payment for the meal. It is worth over $400.

  At first Tiffany was thrilled . . . until she looked up the true value of the stamp.

  Turns out two-cent George Washington stamps, issued between 1922 and 1938, are not rare at all. The couple had left a stamp worth $4 for a $59 meal, not even enough to cover Tiffany’s tip.

  The manager called the police, who arrived and were taking a report when the Stewarts returned: the good judge had forgotten his doggie bag.

  The couple was charged with collusion, fraud, unauthorized assumption of ownership of personal property of others, and of being . . .

  NY JOURNAL’S DUMBASS OF THE WEEK

  Your reaction?

  LOL

  Fail

  WTF

  128,357

  712

  12,455

  Carly 9:22 AM

  Missed Call

  Carly 9:45 AM

  Missed Call

  Marshall 10:05 AM

  Missed Call

  From: Dolly Vargas

  Date: March 13 10:22:10 AM PST

  To: Reed [email protected]

  Subject: Lyrexica Offer

  Darling, where are you? Why aren’t you picking up? Did you get my voicemails? I’ve left four of them. I’ve got some exciting news: you’ve got another endorsement offer. This one is for a product called Lyrexica. It’s for male pattern baldness.

  And before you start, yes, I know. I know you don’t have male pattern baldness.

  But no one actually uses the products they endorse. That’s why they want you: There aren’t that many athletes with hair as thick and lustrous as yours.

  Well, except for that idiotic Cobb Cutler, but as we both know, Cutler would hardly make a good spokesperson for anything. Did you see that statement he released earlier about that Russian model bride of his? I don’t know why his people let him write his own social media posts (although I must admit I’m glad they do, as they provide me with no end of entertainment).

  In any case, I believe you owe me $5. I told you that marriage wouldn’t last.

  Anyway, I know how you feel about pharmaceutical products, but they’re offering six figures, darling.

  And I don’t think you can afford to be choosy after what happened last year at Augusta.

  Call me soon! I can’t wait to get back to those suits with a counter offer.

  XOXOX

  Dolly

  Dolly Vargas

  Vargas Talent Management

  Los Angeles, CA

  Marshall 11:17 AM

  Missed Call

  Marshall

  11:52 AM

  Dude where are you? Pick up.

  Marshall

  12:39 PM

  Srsly dude, this is not cool. Call me.

  Marshall

  1:27 PM

  Dude where are you? Mom and Dad got arrested. MOM AND DAD ARE IN JAIL. Pick the fudge up. I mean fudge. I mean fudge. I HATE THIS PHONE.

  Marshall

  2:14 PM

  Oh great. Now it’s on the Internet? MOM AND DAD HAVE BEEN NAMED DUMBASS OF THE WEEK. Our parents are dumbasses.

  Not that we didn’t know this already (remember all the times they forgot to pay the electric bill and we had to have Christmas in the dark?), but it’s a little disturbing to have it announced to the ENTIRE INTERNET. WHERE ARE YOU?

  Enrique Alvarez

  2:37 PM

  Boudro. Did you want chili on that? If you don’t text back in one minute, you’re getting chili on your dog. That is what happens when you send your caddy for your lunch and you also forget to give him money. AGAIN.

  Marshall

  3:05 PM

  Oh great. Now it’s the lead story on the evening news. Jackie Monroe of Channel 4 WISH-TV is talking about our parents. OUR PARENTS!!!!

  Now even people who don’t have the Internet are going to know. If there is anyone who doesn’t have the Internet, which I guess is only you because YOU NEVER CHARGE YOUR PHONE.

  From: Dolly Vargas

  Date: March 13 4:10:10 PM PST

  To: Reed [email protected]

  Subject: Lyrexica Offer

  Why haven’t you replied about the Lyrexica offer? Is it because you’re worried about it ending up in a class action lawsuit like Paryxica? Don’t. This stuff has actually been tested on humans, apparently, with no ill effects.

  Well, so far.

  And what are these rumors I’m hearing about your parents being those people in that hick little town who tried to scam that restaurant? They aren’t true, are they?

  Because you know if they are, it would be brilliant. I could plop you down with Jen over at SportsCenter and the two of you could do a heartwarming human interest piece about it, which would get the fans rooting for you going into the Golden Palm. Right now Cutler’s got all the sympathy, because of how much that little Russian scam artist is taking him for.

  But I think this could help turn the tables in your favor, because everyone
loves an underdog.

  You know I think the name of that town of theirs is familiar to me for some reason, but I can’t think why. I’m sure it will come to me soon.

  Call me, if you ever remember to charge your phone.

  XOXOX

  Dolly

  Dolly Vargas

  Vargas Talent Management

  Los Angeles, CA

  Marshall

  4:45 PM

  Dude I am going to kill you if you don’t pick your fudging phone I meant fudge I meant fudge I’m going to kill MYSELF now MY LIFE IS OVER I can’t believe you left me alone to deal with this shoot on my own I meant shoot I mean AHHHHHHHHHHHH

  WHERE ARE YOU??????

  Carly

  6:05 PM

  Hi Reed, you’ve probably been playing golf all day and forgot to charge your phone or are out of range or something but if you can please call Marshall or me as soon as you get this text because there’s a slight problem with your parents.

  Nothing serious! No one is hurt. Except possibly Marshall, but only emotionally.

  Please call. Thx!