Boy Meets Girl Read online

  Oh no, here comes Reception . . . It’s amazing how they can smell cake from seemingly miles away. They’re like cadaver dogs, or something. Only they sniff out dessert.

  * * *

  To: Jen Sadler

  Fr: Kate Mackenzie

  Re: Cake

  THEY ATE ALL MY CAKE!!!!!!!!!

  * * *

  To: Kate Mackenzie

  Fr: Amy Jenkins

  Re: Ida Lopez

  Please forward I. Lopez’s personnel file and all of its contents to me.

  Please note that in the future, you are NOT to meet with Mitchell Hertzog, or anyone involved in the Lopez case, without myself present as well.

  Please also note that as an employee of this corporation, you are forbidden from accepting gifts and/or food items from current or former clients. It is simply a matter of ethics, Kate. Kindly refuse Mrs. Lopez’s cakes in the future.

  Amy Denise Jenkins

  Director

  Human Resources

  The New York Journal

  216 W. 57th Street

  New York, NY 10019

  212-555-6890

  [email protected]

  This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.

  Katydid: Get this! Even if he didn’t think I was a complete spaz and asked me out, I couldn’t go. The T.O.D. says I can’t meet with Mitchell Hertzog again unless she’s present!!!!

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Please. The T.O.D. can’t even find last year’s salary-increase recommendations. You really think she’s going to know if you’re seeing some guy?

  Katydid: Still. Where does she get off? Also, she said I can’t take any more cakes from Ida. If she makes me any more, that is.

  Sleaterkinneyfan: In the ladies’ you said you weren’t interested in Mitch that way anyway, so what do you care? Except about the cake. That I can understand.

  Katydid: I’m not. Interested in him. I mean, why should I be? He clearly thinks I’m this huge Kentuckian loser, the way I was dribbling on about . . . oh my God, chicken in garlic sauce. CHICKEN IN GARLIC SAUCE!!!!!!! I was going on and on about it. What is WRONG with me???

  Sleaterkinneyfan: You know, the really amazing thing isn’t that you dated Dale for ten years: It’s that you two ever got together at all. With your self-esteem issues and his addiction to hallucinogens, you two so should have been voted Least Likely to Hook Up with Anyone, Ever.

  Katydid: Hey! Come on!

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Sorry. It’s the hormones. I swear. But seriously, Kate. This is the first guy whose HANDS you’ve found attractive since you realized Dale wasn’t Mr. Right after all. That has to mean something. I say, go for it.

  Katydid: Go for WHAT? I told you, I am ethically opposed to everything Mitchell Hertzog stands for. And besides which, he thinks I’m a spaz, and Amy says I can’t see him again without her permission!

  Sleaterkinneyfan: Oh my God, haven’t you been listening to a word I’ve said? Amy Jenkins is T.O.D., not G.O.D. She’s not capable of tracking your every movement—

  AmyJenkinsDir: logged on

  AmyJenkinsDir: Ladies. Have I or have I not spoken to you about Instant Messaging during business hours?

  Sleaterkinneyfan: logged off

  Katydid: logged off

  AmyJenkinsDir: logged off

  Sleaterkinneyfan: logged on

  Katydid: logged on

  Sleaterkinneyfan: I hate her.

  Katydid: She’s the one with the self-esteem issues.

  THE NEW YORK JOURNAL

  New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper

  Amy Denise Jenkins

  Director

  Human Resources

  The New York Journal

  216 W. 57th Street

  New York, NY 10019

  212-555-6890

  [email protected]

  MEMO

  To: All Administrative Staff, All Divisions

  Fr: Amy Jenkins, Director, Human Resources

  Re: Internet Code of Conduct—Statement of Company Policy

  Reminders:

  Access to the Internet and the availability of e-mail has been provided for the benefit of employees of the New York Journal and its clients. It allows employees to connect to information resources and is a communication tool. Its purpose is for employees to conduct official company business, or to receive technical or analytical advice. E-mail may be used for business contacts and for inter-office communications. Every employee of the company has a responsibility to maintain and enhance the company’s public image, and to use the Internet in a productive and professional manner. The following guidelines have been established for using the Internet and inter-office e-mail:

  Acceptable Uses of the Internet

  Employees accessing the Internet are representing the Journal. All communications should be professional. Reading reality-show recaps on Televisionwithoutpity.com is not a professional use of the Internet. Ditto rating people on hotornot.com. Use of the Internet must not disrupt the operation of the company network. It must not interfere with productivity. Employees are responsible for seeing that the Internet is used in an effective, ethical, and lawful manner.

  Communications

  Each employee is responsible for the content of all text, audio or images that they place or send over the Internet. Fraudulent, harassing, or obscene messages are prohibited. All messages communicated on the office network should have your name attached. No messages will be transmitted under an assumed name. No abusive, profane, or offensive language is transmitted through the system. Employees who wish to express personal opinions in e-mail may not do so using the Company system, nor during Company time under their own usernames.

  Harassment

  Harassment of any kind is prohibited. No messages with derogatory or inflammatory remarks about an individual or group’s race, religion, national origin, political party affiliation, physical attributes, work performance, or sexual preference will be transmitted via the Company’s network.

  Violations

  Violations of any guidelines herein may result in disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

  * * *

  To: Jen Sadler

  Fr: Kate Mackenzie

  Re: Internet Code of Conduct—Statement of Company Policy

  DO YOU THINK SHE’S TALKING ABOUT US?????

  I think she’s talking about US.

  Kate

  * * *

  To: Kate Mackenzie

  Fr: Jen Sadler

  Re: Internet Code of Conduct—Statement of Company Policy

  Well, I highly doubt this was directed at Peter Hargrave.

  Doesn’t she realize she is slowly draining the life from us, until soon we’ll be nothing but dried husks, formerly known as personnel reps?

  God, I wish she’d get hit by a bus.

  J

  P.S. You should go out with him. If he asks. Soulless-lawyer-for-corporate-raider thing aside. He had on a Rocky and Bullwinkle tie. Rocky and Bullwinkle!!!!

  * * *

  To: Stacy Trent

  Fr: Stuart Hertzog

  Re: Mitch

  Stacy, I know you have some—though not much—influence over Mitch. Still, that’s more than I can say about anybody else in this family. Except for maybe Janice. But the last thing
Mom wants is Janice talking to Mitch any more than she does already. Did you know the guy actually told her that a good way to keep her bhang from staining her dorm-room carpet is to Scotchguard the rug before she moves all her stuff in? What kind of person SAYS that to their nineteen-year-old sister?

  It’s no wonder she had to move back home.

  Anyway, I would appreciate your talking to him about this case with the pie lady at the Journal. I asked him to take it because I’m personally involved. But Mitch seems to be . . . well, taking it far too seriously. To explain: I mean, he’s already dragging Amy’s employees into depos. He had a pretrial discovery conference with one of them this morning, and failed to notify either Amy or me: Amy and I didn’t know anything about it! Worse, I think . . . I’m almost sure . . . he’s interested in her. The employee. Not Amy.

  You know that look he had in his eye when he came home from Kuala Lampur? Remember?

  Well, I saw that same look in his eye when he was escorting the young lady in question out of Dad’s conference room today.

  Stacy, you have to do something. If he starts messing around with this girl . . . Well, let’s just say Amy’s job is already on the line because of this mess. Apparently, Peter Hargrave, the paper’s owner, was a big fan of this pie lady’s muffins, or something. But how was I to know that? The woman was completely incompetent, and rude besides.

  But if Mitch starts messing with this woman from Amy’s office . . . it won’t be just Amy who could lose her job. Dad’ll probably have another coronary. I’m not kidding, Stace. The last thing Webber and Doyle are going to stand for is one of Dad’s kids sticking his you-know-what in the company ink. . . .

  So talk to him, would you? Tell him you don’t think it’s a good idea for him to start seeing anyone right now, with things so up in the air with Janice, Dad’s heart condition, my wedding, and so forth. Remind him that it is especially unethical to start seeing someone who happens to be involved in one of the cases he’s trying. Particularly THIS case. Which could get very, very ugly.

  Thanks, Stace. I knew I could depend on you.

  Love,

  Stuart

  Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

  Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

  444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

  New York, NY 10022

  212-555-7900

  * * *

  To: Stuart Hertzog

  Fr: Stacy Trent

  Re: Mitch

  First of all, Janice didn’t “have to” move back home. Mom and Dad made her move back home, okay? They made her leave school, and for a reason that is so ludicrous, I don’t even want to get into it with you.

  Second of all, I will not be drawn in to whatever petty fight you and Mitch are having today. I’m sick of it. I have my own problems. Like how my son positively refuses to use his potty. Okay? Finding diapers big enough to fit a thirty-pound kid? THAT is a problem. Mitch making google eyes at your fiancée’s employee? Not my problem.

  Besides, what makes you think this is going to be like that time in Kuala Lampur? Mitch was nineteen when he lived in Kuala Lampur. That was ten years ago. I think he’s matured a little since then.

  So . . . I guess I should say congratulations on the whole wedding thing. So. Congratulations. Are you two planning on a big ceremony, or what? In the city, or here in Greenwich? Or at her family’s place? Where’s she from, anyway?

  Stacy

  * * *

  To: Stacy Trent

  Fr: Stuart Hertzog

  Re: Mitch

  Stacy, you know how I never told on you that time you locked me in the trunk of Mom’s Mercedes?

  If you don’t do something about Mitch, I will be forced to take more drastic measures.

  And if you think Mom’s going to leave you her antique Madame Alexander doll collection when she hears about that—especially considering the fact that I had an ear infection at the time—well, you’re delusional.

  Stuart

  P.S. About the wedding, we’re still working out the details. But definitely not in her hometown (she’s from Texas) as she no longer speaks to her parents, due to a falling out back when she was in college.

  Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

  Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

  444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

  New York, NY 10022

  212-555-7900

  * * *

  To: Stuart Hertzog

  Fr: Stacy Trent

  Re: Mitch

  I never wanted Mom’s stupid Madame Alexander doll collection in the first place. I don’t know where she ever got the idea I did.

  P.S. How can someone who works in Human Resources not have spoken to her family since she was in college? I mean, isn’t she supposed to be some kind of expert in human relations? To have gotten her job in the first place? And she can’t even keep the lines of communication to her own family open?

  Who is this girl anyway? Dr. Laura?

  * * *

  To: Stacy Trent

  Fr: Stuart Hertzog

  Re: Mitch

  All right, you might not want the Madame Alexander dolls (a collection appraised at over $50,000, but fine, if you don’t want it, you don’t want it).

  But I assume you still want Mom to look after Haley, Brittany, and Little John when your anniversary rolls around next month. Weren’t you two planning a little April-in-Paris getaway? I wonder how willing Mom’s going to be to take in the grandkids when she hears how you wouldn’t help me out with Mitch. . . .

  I guess you could leave the kids with Jason’s parents. . . . Oh, but wait. Isn’t his father in jail? And his mother . . . Where is she again? Biarritz? With her third husband? Or is it her fourth? And didn’t he just turn twenty-five?

  Stuart

  P.S. Amy happens to have numerous very loving and warm relationships. Just not with any of her blood relatives. But she gets along great with the families of many of her sorority sisters. Many of whom I met at the Monkey Bar last night, and who are eagerly looking forward to our wedding. Unlike, I might add, my own relations, whose congratulations have been perfunctory, at best. Janice still hasn’t even called.

  Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

  Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

  444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

  New York, NY 10022

  212-555-7900

  * * *

  To: Stuart Hertzog

  Fr: Stacy Trent

  Re: Mitch

  I hate you.

  P.S. So does Janice.

  * * *

  To: Mitchell Hertzog

  Fr: Stacy Trent

  Re: Stuart = Satan’s Spawn

  So. Heard from Mom and Stuart already. Sounds like you’ve had a busy day.

  Stacy

  * * *

  To: Stacy Trent

  Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

  Re: Stuart = Satan’s Spawn

  Busy, and profitable. There are times when I really, really love my job. Today would be one of those times.

  Mitch

  * * *

  To: Mitchell Hertzog

  Fr: Stacy Trent

  Re: Stuart = Satan’s Spawn

  I heard. Stuart did happen to mention that you deposed one of Amy Jenkins’s oppressed flunkies this morning. I take it it went well. Stuart seems to think you found the flunkie . . . ahem, worth your valuable time. True? False? Or do you plead the Fifth?

  Stace

  * * *

  To: Stacy Trent

  Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

  Re: Uh-oh

  Stuart�
��s making you ask, huh? God, he’s transparent. Well, you can tell him from me that I found his fiancée’s employee most agreeable.

  That ought to kill him.

  Mitch

  * * *

  To: Mitchell Hertzog

  Fr: Stacy Trent

  Re: Uh-oh

  Oh my God. The last woman I heard you describe as agreeable was that stewardess you met in Kuala Lampur. And remember how THAT turned out?

  Stace

  P.S. Stuart’s not the one I’m worried about. It’s Dad, actually.

  * * *

  To: Stacy Trent

  Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

  Re: Uh-oh