Queen of Babble Gets Hitched qob-3 Read online

  The full version of the rhyme goes on to add that the bride also needs “a sixpence in her shoe.”

  This was for cab fare home if things worked out badly.

  Tip to Avoid a Wedding Day Disaster

  You know the old saying—What happens when you assume? You make an Ass of U and Me. Don’t assume everyone you’ve invited to your wedding knows their way to the church and reception hall. Include a well-drawn, legible map along with your invitation. Trust me, some of your guests will be so drunk—yes, even before the ceremony—they’ll need it.

  LIZZIE NICHOLS DESIGNS™

  • Chapter 8 •

  To keep your marriage brimming,

  With love in the wedding cup,

  Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;

  Whenever you’re right, shut up.

  Ogden Nash (1902–1971), American poet

  June, Six Months Later

  “We have a new awning.”

  That’s the first thing Monsieur Henri says when he walks into the shop.

  “Well, of course we do,” I say with a laugh. “You know that. Your wife helped pick it out.”

  “But”—Monsieur Henri glances over his shoulder at the awning stretched over the entrance to the shop—“it’s pink.”

  Madame Henri gives her husband a sharp rap on the shoulder.

  “Don’t be ignorant,” she advises him in French. “Of course it’s pink. I showed you the swatches. You agreed to the color yourself.”

  “No.” Monsieur Henri shakes his head. “Not that pink.”

  “Jean, you did,” Madame Henri insists. “Remember, you were in the garden, and I brought out the swatches, and you said you liked the salmon.”

  “That’s not salmon,” Monsieur Henri insists. “That’s pink.” He looks down, then gasps. “My God. The carpet too?”

  “It’s not pink,” I rush to inform him. “It’s blush. It’s practically beige.”

  “If it’s the rug he’s going on about, tell him the customers like it,” Tiffany says defensively as she leans over her desk to gaze at the new wall-to-wall. “It’s very feminine.”

  Monsieur Henri glances at her.

  “What,” he asks in English, sounding horrified, “is wrong with your hair?”

  Tiffany lifts up her hand to tug on her new, ultra-short bangs. “You like? They call it the Ava. After Ava Geck. Everybody’s getting it.” When she notices from his expression that he clearly doesn’t understand a word she’s saying, she adds, “It’s all Lizzie’s doing. She totally civilized her. Ava was like an animal before Lizzie got her hands on her. Seriously. She could barely formulate comprehensible sentences. And now she almost always remembers to put on underwear. Well, most days.”

  “Take me back,” Monsieur Henri mutters. “Take me back to New Jersey,” he says to his wife.

  “No, Jean, don’t be ridiculous,” Madame Henri says, taking her husband’s arm and leading him toward one of the newly upholstered chairs that sit by the fully stocked coffee bar. Monsieur Henri sinks onto the slick pink silk with a sigh. He has not snapped back as quickly—or as fully—as any of us hoped he would from his bypass surgery. His recovery has been fraught with complications, including a case of double pneumonia that had him bedridden for an extra few weeks, and he is only now, months later, making his first tenuous steps back to work.

  But it’s clear his heart—to borrow a phrase—isn’t in it.

  “Where did we get these chairs?” he whines, noticing the new material he’s sitting on. “And what’s that smell?”

  “Those are the same old chairs you’ve always had,” I explain. “I had them recovered. They were stained and ugly. And that smell is Colombian roast. I got a cappuccino maker so the mothers can have something to drink during their daughters’ fittings—”

  “How much is all of this costing me?” Monsieur Henri frets, looking around at the newly painted walls (also in blush), and the vintage dress pattern packets I’ve hung in elaborate gilt frames.

  “It’s not costing you anything, you old goat,” Madame Henri chastises her husband, poking him in the shoulder. “I told you. Thanks to Lizzie, business is up almost a thousand percent since this time last year. That Jill Higgins—remember, from last year? All those society women are sending their daughters to have their gowns fitted by the same place that made hers such a standout. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you listen anymore? Did they forget to clean out your ears when they were cleaning out your arteries?”

  Monsieur Henri hunches his shoulders. He’s lost so much weight since his surgery he looks almost like a different person. He resembles his twenty-something sons much more closely now, being long and lean, like them.

  Unlike them, however, he’s gone entirely gray.

  “I don’t understand anything anymore,” he says with a sigh. “Let me see the book. Lizzie… just give me the book.”

  I seize the venerable appointment book from Tiffany—despite her insisting we switch over to a computerized mode of taking appointments, we’ve stayed with Monsieur Henri’s old appointment book.

  And now I’m glad. I’m able to hand it to him, almost genuflecting as I do so.

  “Here it is,” I say. “All ready for you.”

  Monsieur Henri grunts and begins to flick through the heavily penciled—and just as heavily erased—book. His wife, meanwhile, nods her head in the direction of the curtain that still separates the front room from the back (though the curtain is no longer black, but a beautiful salmon brocade). I follow her through it.

  “Hola, Lizzie,” say the two seamstresses she finds there, sewing beading onto the organza skirt of a strapless lace A-line by hand, from the lounge chairs in which they’re sitting while watching a telenovela on the portable television I purchased for them.

  “Marisol, Sylvia,” I say. “You remember Madame Henri, right?”

  Marisol and Sylvia grin and wave. Madame Henri waves back.

  “So they’re working out, I see,” she says in French.

  “Fastest needles in Manhattan,” I reply in her native language. “Shari gives the best job referrals.”

  “Yes,” Madame Henri says. “Well, I suppose when given the choice between going back to their abusive husbands or working for you, they would make rather enthusiastic employees. But I still don’t see why you had to tell them about the union. You could have gotten them much more cheaply.”

  I give Madame Henri a disapproving look. “Madame… ”

  She gives a Gallic shrug. “I am only saying—”

  A second later, Tiffany, though uninvited, joins us.

  “What the hell is his glitch?” Tiffany wants to know. “He’s looking at the book—my book—and groaning.”

  “Postsurgical depression,” Madame Henri says in English. “I’m so sorry… I ought to have warned you beforehand. He just has a mild case… mostly it’s annoyance about not being allowed to eat all the cheese he thinks he ought to be able to, and do the things he used to be able to do without discomfort. He gets so bored being home all day, I thought bringing him to the shop… well, I just thought he might perk up, seeing it again. I guess I was wrong. You’ve done such a wonderful job running it while we’ve been gone, Lizzie. Really. Please don’t take his criticism the wrong way.”

  I shake my head. “I won’t,” I say. “I’m not—”

  “The place looks beautiful,” Madame Henri says. “I love the fresh-cut flowers.”

  “Oh, we worked out a deal with the floral shop down the street,” I say, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I recommend them to brides who haven’t picked out a florist yet, and they deliver a fresh arrangement to the shop every week—”

  “Brilliant,” Madame Henri said. “And I hope you’re getting a discount on your own wedding. Oh, but then I suppose you and Luke are getting married in France—”

  Tiffany starts to laugh, then, seeing my raised eyebrow, turns it to a discreet cough. Madame Henri glances at me. “Oh no,” she says. “Don’t tell
me. Trouble in paradise?”

  “Of course not,” I say indignantly. “We’re doing fine. Luke and I have just been so busy, him with his classes, and me here at the shop, we haven’t had time to plan anything—”

  “But she’s going to start now,” Tiffany says firmly. “Especially since, what with Marisol and Sylvia’s help, she’s practically caught up with all the dresses for the June wedding rush. Right, Lizzie?”

  “Um,” I say, shooting Tiffany a warning look. “Right. Totally.”

  “What’s this?” Monsieur Henri thunders from the outer room of the shop. “What is this?”

  “Oh, Lord,” Madame Henri mutters, rolling her eyes. “What now?”

  We duck back out beneath the brocade curtain to find Monsieur Henri on his feet, clutching the appointment book to his chest and looking apoplectic.

  “Jean!” Madame Henri, going deathly pale beneath her neat and tasteful makeup, rushes to her husband’s side. “What’s wrong? Is it your heart?”

  “Yes, it’s my heart,” Monsieur Henri cries. “I think it must be breaking, because I feel so betrayed. Tell me I’m seeing things, please… or is it true that Mademoiselle Nichols here has been using my shop to peddle her own bridal gown design line?”

  I stare at him, my jaw sagging. I’ve never seen Monsieur Henri so upset… and I’ve seen him lose his cool over many a Long Island bridezilla, ripping his careful work apart with verbal abuse.

  But this is something different.

  “I–I just did it a couple of times,” I stammer. “For a few select clients, after the Jill Higgins wedding. It’s generated a lot of really positive word of mouth for the shop… ”

  “For the shop?” Monsieur Henri echoes. “Or for you?”

  “Oh, Jean, keep quiet.” Madame Henri looks annoyed. “Such theatrics! You should be grateful to Mademoiselle Elizabeth, not shouting at her. If you don’t stop this nonsense, I will make you go and sit in the car like I used to do with the boys when they were young.”

  “I should go back to the car,” Monsieur Henri says, his shoulders sagging again. “What’s the point of my even being here? No one needs me.”

  My heart swells with pity for the older man.

  “Of course we need you, monsieur,” I cry, going to put my arms around him. “I’ve been running this place without you for months now. But I’d love to take a break. Do you know I haven’t had a single day off—not even Sundays—since you had your heart attack?”

  “Yeah,” Tiffany says. “And she wants to get married this summer. So how about giving her some vacation time so she can start getting ready for it? Oh, yeah, and she’s gonna need time off for a honeymoon too.”

  I shoot her an aggravated look. I don’t need any reminders about how much—okay, basically everything—I still have to do to prepare for my wedding.

  “It’s no use,” Monsieur Henri says with a sigh. “It’s not there anymore.”

  My arms still around his much-thinner-than-it-used-to-be neck, I look into his eyes. “What’s not there anymore, Monsieur Henri?”

  “The passion,” he says with a sigh, and tosses the appointment book back onto Tiffany’s desk.

  I draw my arms away from him and stare. “Of course it is,” I say with a nervous glance in his wife’s direction. “This is just your first day back. You’ll feel it again when you get back into the swing of things.”

  “No,” Monsieur Henri says. His gaze has grown far away. “I don’t care about wedding gowns anymore. There’s only one thing I care about now.”

  His wife looks toward the recently repainted ceiling. “Not again.”

  “Oh?” I glance at Madame Henri. “What’s that, monsieur?”

  “Pétanque,” he says as he stares wistfully out the plate-glass window at the golden sunlight pouring onto Seventy-eighth Street.

  “I told you,” Madame Henri snaps. “That isn’t a profession, Jean. It’s a hobby.”

  “So?” Her husband jerks his head back around to demand. “I’m sixty-five! I just had a quadruple bypass! I can’t play a little pétanque if I want to?”

  The phone rings. Tiffany lifts it and purrs, “Chez Henri, how may I help you?” I am the only one who hears her add, sotto voce, “Get me out of this lunatic asylum.”

  “That’s it.” Madame Henri leans down and snatches up her Prada handbag. “We’re leaving. I thought we could have a nice day in the city, maybe have a lovely lunch. But you’ve ruined it.”

  “I’ve ruined it?” Monsieur Henri cries. “I’m not the one who insisted on my coming back to work before I was emotionally prepared to! You know what my physical therapist says. One day at a time.”

  “I’ll show you emotionally prepared,” Madame Henri says, shaking her small fist at him.

  “Mademoiselle Elizabeth.” Monsieur Henri gives me a courtly bow, but it’s clear his thoughts are elsewhere… on his pétanque set back home in his New Jersey garden, perhaps. “Remember… life is short. Each moment you have is precious. Treasure every second. Don’t spend them doing anything you don’t love. If being a certified professional wedding gown restorer isn’t your dream—if designing them is—then go after that dream. The way I intend to go after my dream of playing pétanque every chance I get.”

  “Jean!” Madame Henri screams. “I told you! Don’t start!”

  “You don’t start!” her husband thunders back. “Mademoiselle Elizabeth… Good-bye.”

  “Um… Good-bye.” I blink after the bickering couple as they leave the shop, Madame Henri making a hand motion to me behind her husband’s back indicating that she’s going to call me later.

  No sooner has the bell over the front door stopped tinkling than Tiffany hangs up the phone and declares, “Oh my God, I thought he’d never leave.”

  “Now, Tiff,” I say. But the truth is, I’d felt the same way.

  “Seriously, though,” Tiffany says. “Where does he get off? It’s not like you haven’t worked like a dog for him. And for what? I know how much you make, Lizzie, remember? You’re being robbed working here. You should totally quit and open your own place.”

  “With what start-up money?” I reach into the mini fridge—artfully disguised as a wood cabinet—beneath the coffee bar and pull out a Diet Coke. “Besides, I owe a lot to the Henris. And he’s still not feeling his best. You heard what his wife said.”

  “Well, if he comes back to work here, I quit,” Tiffany declares. “I’m serious. I’m not sticking around with that old coot poking into our business.”

  “Tiffany,” I say. “This is his place. It’s called Chez Henri. He’s the owner, remember?”

  “I don’t care.” Tiffany folds her arms across her chest. “He’s a guy. He totally spoils the ambience we’ve established.”

  I didn’t want to admit it out loud, but Tiffany was kind of right. I mean, it’s a bridal shop, after all. What’s Monsieur Henri doing, getting so bent out of shape about a salmon-colored awning? Besides, Madame Henri and I spent a lot of time and money on that awning. It looks totally great, sort of Lulu Guinness meets Fauchon chocolate shop. Speaking of which… mmmm, chocolate…

  “Come on,” Tiffany says, as usual refusing to let the subject drop well after I’ve tired of it. “You know I’m right. And what’s with this pétanque stuff? What is pétanque?”

  “It’s a bowling game,” I explain, “called boules or bocce here, involving a dirt lane and a small metal ball—”

  “Is that all?” Tiffany asks scornfully. “Well, what does he keep going on about it for, then? Is he going to start selling pétanque equipment in here?”

  “No, I’m sure he—”

  “What are you going to do, Lizzie? He’s going to ruin everything you’ve been working so hard for. Everything!”

  Another thing Tiffany has a tendency to do is be way overdramatic about things. Monsieur Henri isn’t going to ruin everything.

  I’m pretty sure.

  Fortunately my cell phone rings, sparing me from having to discuss the matte
r further… at least with Tiffany. I see that it’s Luke and pick up eagerly. Things are going really well with him—well, aside from the fact that we haven’t picked a date for our wedding. Or a venue. Or really even talked about it much. Or at all, actually.

  Still, living in our own separate apartments is working out really well. We each have our own space, so we don’t get on each other’s nerves, and we totally appreciate the time we spend together. Consequently, the sex couldn’t be better.

  And, okay, maybe he still doesn’t know about my Spanx.

  And maybe I continue to refuse to be on top when we make love. Or turn my back on him when I’m naked.

  And, yeah, any time Luke says he wants to spend the night at his own place—alone—so he can study for an exam, I become convinced he must be sleeping with other girls in his classes.

  And, yes, every time he says he’s spending a Saturday afternoon studying at the library, I’m sure that what he’s actually doing is seeing some other girl behind my back, and it’s all I can do to keep myself from sneaking down to NYU to spy on him (except I don’t have a student ID to get into the library).

  But you know. Other than that, things are total bliss!

  Of course I have no reason to suspect these things of him other than, nearly a year into our relationship, I still can’t believe a guy as amazing as Luke actually wants anything to do with a neurotic mess like myself. As Shari frequently remarks, it really is astonishing that a woman with as much business savvy as I have is as insecure in her romantic life as I’ve turned out to be.

  But I blame this on my obsession with Lifetime Television. Of which I’ve been watching a lot more now that I live alone and there’s no man in the house to groan every time I switch it on.

  “Hi,” I say to Luke now.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks right away.

  “Wrong?” I echo. “Nothing’s wrong. What makes you think something is wrong?”