Give Me Five pd-5 Read online

  look what happened to Princess Stephanie of Monaco: her bodyguard gave her a birthday present, and she MARRIED him. Which would have been all right if they'd had anything in common, but Stephanie's bodyguard isn't the least bit interested in eyebrow threading, and Stephanie clearly knows nothing about ju-jitsu, so the whole thing was off to a rocky start to begin with).

  Anyway, you could tell Lars had really put a lot of thought into his gift, because it was:

  LARS

  An authentic New York Police Department Bomb Squad baseball cap, which Lars got from an actual NYPD bomb squad officer once when he was sweeping Grandmere's suite at the Plaza for incendiary devices prior to a visit from the Pope. Which I thought was SO sweet of Lars, because I know how much he treasured that hat, and the fact that he was willing to give it to me is true proof of his devotion, which I highly doubt is of the matrimonial variety, since I happen to know Lars loves Mademoiselle Klein, like all heterosexual men who come within seven feet of her.

  But the best present of all was the one from Michael. He didn't give it to me in front of everybody else. He waited until I got

  up to go to the bathroom just now, and followed me. Then just as I was starting down the stairs to the ladies', he went, 'Mia, this is for you. Happy birthday,' and gave me this flat little box all wrapped up in gold foil.

  I was really surprised - almost as surprised as I'd been over Grandmere's gift. I was all, 'Michael, but you already gave me

  a present! You wrote that song for me! You got detention for me!'

  But Michael just went, 'Oh, that. That wasn't your present. This is.'

  And I have to admit, the box was little and flat enough that I thought - I really did think - it might have prom tickets in it. I thought maybe, I don't know, that Lilly had told Michael how much I wanted to go to the prom, and that he'd gone and

  bought the tickets to surprise me.

  Well, he surprised me, all right. Because what was in the box wasn't prom tickets.

  But still, it was almost as good.

  MICHAEL

  A necklace with a tiny little silver snowflake hanging from it. 'From when we were at the Non-denominational Winter Dance,' he said, like he was worried I wouldn't get it. 'Remember the paper snowflakes hanging from the ceiling of the gym?'

  Of course I remembered the snowflakes. I had one in the drawer of my bedside table.

  And, OK, it isn't a prom ticket or a charm with Property of Michael Moscovitz written on it, but it comes really, really

  close.

  So I gave Michael a great big kiss right there by the stairs to the ladies' room, in front of all the Les Hautes Manger waiters

  and the hostess and the coat check girl and everyone. I didn't care who saw. For all I care, US Weekly could have snapped

  all the shots of us they wanted - even run them on the front cover of next week's edition with a caption that says Mia Makes Out! - and I wouldn't have blinked an eye. That's how happy I was.

  Am. That's how happy I am. My fingers are trembling as I write this, because I think, for the first time in my life, it is possible that I have finally, finally reached the upper branches of the Jungian tree of self-actual—

  Wait a minute. There is a lot of noise coming from the hallway. Like breaking dishes and a dog barking and someone

  screaming . . .

  Oh, my God. That's Grandmere screaming.

  Friday, May 2, midnight, the Loft

  I should have known it was too good to be true. My birthday, I mean. It was all just going too well. I mean, no prom invitation or cancellation of my trip to Genovia, but, you know, everyone I love (well, almost everyone) sitting at one table, not fighting. Getting everything I wanted (well, almost everything). Michael writing that song about me. And the snowflake necklace. And the mobile phone.

  Oh, but wait. This is ME we're talking about. I think that, at fifteen, it's time I admitted what I've known for quite some time now: I am simply not destined to have a normal life. Not a normal life, not a normal family and certainly not a normal birthday.

  Granted, this one might have been the exception, if it hadn't been for Grandmere. Grandmere and Rommel.

  I ask you, who brings a DOG to a RESTAURANT? I don't care if it's normal in France. NOT SHAVING UNDER YOUR ARMS IF YOU ARE A GIRL IS NORMAL IN FRANCE. Does that maybe TELL you something about France? I mean, for God's sake, they eat SNAILS there. SNAILS. Who in their right mind thinks that if something is normal in France, it is at

  all socially acceptable here in the US?

  I'll tell you who. My grandmother, that's who.

  Seriously. She doesn't understand what the fuss is about. She's all, 'But of course I brought Rommel.'

  To Les Hautes Manger. To my birthday dinner. My grandmother brought her DOG to MY BIRTHDAY

  DINNER.

  She says it's only because when she leaves Rommel alone, he licks himself until his hair falls out. It is an Obsessive

  Compulsive Disorder diagnosed by the Royal Genovian vet, and Rommel has prescription medication he is supposed

  to take to help keep it at bay.

  That's right: My grandmother's dog is on Prozac.

  But if you ask me, I don't think OCD is Rommel's problem. Rommel's problem is that he lives with Grandmere. If I had

  to live with Grandmere, I would totally lick off all my hair. If my tongue were long enough, anyway.

  Still, just because her dog suffers from OCD is NO excuse for Grandmere to bring him to MY BIRTHDAY dinner. In a Hermes handbag. With a broken clasp, no less.

  Because what happened while I was in the ladies' room? Oh, Rommel escaped from Grandmere's handbag. And started streaking around the restaurant, desperate to evade capture - as who under Grandmere's tyrannical rule wouldn't?

  I can only imagine what the patrons of Les Hautes Manger must have thought, seeing this eight-pound hairless miniature

  poodle zipping in and out from beneath the tablecloths. Actually, I know what they thought. I know what they thought,

  because Michael told me later. They thought Rommel was a giant rat.

  And it's true, without hair he does have a very rodent-like appearance.

  But still, I don't think climbing up on to their chairs and shrieking their heads off was necessarily the most helpful thing to do about it. Although Michael did say a number of the tourists whipped out digital cameras and started shooting away. I am sure there is going to be a headline in some Japanese newspaper tomorrow about the giant rat problem of the Manhattan four-star restaurant scene.

  Anyway, I didn't see what happened next, but Michael told me it was just like in a Baz Luhrmann movie, only Nicole Kidman was nowhere to be seen: this busboy who apparently hadn't noticed the ruckus came hustling by, holding this enormous tray of half-empty soup bowls. Suddenly Rommel, who'd almost been cornered by my dad over by the seafood bar, darted into the busboy's path, and the next thing everyone knew, lobster bisque was flying everywhere. Thankfully, most of it landed on Grandmere. The lobster bisque, I mean. She fully deserved to have her Chanel suit ruined on account of being stupid enough

  to bring her DOG to MY BIRTHDAY dinner. I so wish I had seen this. No one would admit it later - not even Mom - but I bet it was really, really, really funny to see Grandmere covered in soup. I swear, if that's all I had got for my birthday, I'd have been totally happy.

  But by the time I got out of the bathroom, Grandmere had been thoroughly dabbed by the maitre d'. All you could see of the soup were these wet parts all over her chest. I completely missed out on all the fun (as usual). Instead, I got there just in time to see the maitre d' imperiously ordering the poor busboy to turn in his dish towel: he was fired. FIRED!!! And for something that was fully not his fault! Jangbu - that was the busboy's name - totally looked as if he were going to cry. He kept saying over and over again how sorry he was. But it didn't matter. Because if you spill soup on a dowager princess in New York City, you can kiss your career in the restaurant biz goodbye. It would be li
ke if a gourmet cook got caught going to McDonald's in Paris. Or if P. Diddy got caught buying underwear at Wal-Mart. Or if Nicky and Paris Hilton got caught lying around in their Juicy Couture sweats on a Saturday night, watching National Geographic Explorer, instead of going out to party. It is simply Not Done.

  I tried to reason with the maitre d' on Jangbu's behalf, after Michael told me what had happened. I said in no way could Grandmere hold the restaurant responsible for what HER dog had done. A dog she wasn't even supposed to have HAD

  in the restaurant in the first place.

  But it didn't do any good. The last I saw of Jangbu, he was heading sadly back towards the kitchen.

  I tried to get Grandmere, who was, after all, the injured party - or the allegedly injured party, since of course she wasn't in the least bit hurt - to talk the maitre d' into giving Jangbu his job back. But she remained stubbornly unmoved by my pleas on Jangbu's behalf. Even my reminding her that many busboys are immigrants, new to this country, with families to support back

  in their native lands, left her cold.

  'Grandmere,' I cried in desperation. 'What makes Jangbu so different from Johanna, the African orphan you are sponsoring

  on my behalf? Both are merely trying to make their way on this planet we call Earth.'

  'The difference between Johanna and Jangbu,' Grandmere informed me, as she held Rommel close, trying to calm him down

  (it took the combined efforts of Michael, my dad, Mr G and Lars to finally catch Rommel, right before he made a run for it through the revolving door and out on to Fifth Avenue and freedom on the miniature-poodle underground railroad), 'is that Johanna did not SPILL SOUP ALL OVER ME!'

  God. She is such a CRAB sometimes.

  So now here I am, knowing that somewhere in the city — Queens, most likely - is a young man whose family will probably starve, and all because of MY BIRTHDAY. That's right. Jangbu lost his job because I WAS BORN.

  I'm sure wherever Jangbu is right now, he is wishing I wasn't. Born, that is.

  And I can't say that I blame him one little bit.

  Friday, May 2,1 a.m., the Loft

  My snowflake necklace is really nice, though. I am never, ever taking it off.

  Friday, May 2, 1:05 a.m., the Loft

  Well, except maybe when I go swimming. Because I wouldn't want it to get lost.

  Friday, May 2, 1:10 a,m., the Loft

  He loves me!

  Friday, May 2, Algebra

  Oh, my God. It is all over the city. About Grandmere and the incident at Les Hautes Manger last night, I mean. It must be a slow news day, because even The Post picked it up. It was right there on the front cover at the news-stand on the corner:

  A Royal Mess, screams The Post.

  Princess and the Pea (Soup), claims The Daily News (erroneously, since it wasn't pea soup at all, but lobster bisque).

  It even made the Times. You would think that the New York Times would be above reporting something like that, but there

  it was, in the Metro section. Lilly pointed it out as she climbed into the limo with Michael this morning.

  'Well, your grandmother's certainly done it this time,' Lilly says.

  As if I didn't already know it! As if I wasn't already suffering from the crippling guilt of knowing that I was, even in an indirect manner, to blame for Jangbu's loss of livelihood!

  Although I do have to admit that I was somewhat distracted from my grief over Jangbu by the fact that Michael looked so incredibly hot, as he does every morning when he gets into my limo. That is because when we come to pick him and Lilly up

  for school, Michael has always just shaved, and his face is looking all smooth. Michael is not a particularly hairy person but it is true that by the end of the day -which is when we usually end up doing our kissing, since we are both somewhat shy people, I think, and we have the cover of darkness to hide our burning cheeks — Michael's facial hair has gotten a bit on the sandpapery side. In fact, I can t help thinking that it would be much nicer to kiss Michael in the morning, when his face is all smooth, than at night, when it is all scratchy. Especially his neck. Not that I have ever thought about kissing my boyfriend's neck. I mean, that would just be weird.

  Although as far as boys' necks go, Michael has a very nice one. Sometimes on the rare occasions when we are actually alone long enough to start making out, I put my nose next to Michael's neck and just inhale. I know it sounds strange, but Michael's neck smells really, really nice, like soap. Soap and something else. Something that makes me feel like nothing bad could ever happen to me, not when I am in Michael's arms, smelling his neck.

  IF ONLY HE WOULD ASK ME TO THE PROM!!!!!!!!! Then I could spend a whole NIGHT smelling his neck, only it would look like we were dancing, so no one, not even Michael, would know.

  Wait a minute. What was I saying before I got distracted by the smell of my boyfriend's neck?

  Oh yes. Grandmere. Grandmere and Jangbu.

  Anyway, none of the newspaper articles about what happened last night mention the part about Rommel. Not one. There is

  not even a hint of a suggestion that the whole thing might possibly have been Grandmere's own fault. Oh no! Not at all!

  But Lilly knows about it, on account of Michael having told her. And she had a lot to say about it.

  'What we'll do,' she said, 'is we'll start making signs in Gifted and Talented class, and then we'll go over after school.'

  'Go over where?' I wanted to know. I was still busy staring at Michael's smooth neck.

  'To Les Hautes Manger,' Lilly said. 'To start the protest.'

  'What protest?' All I seemed to be able to think about was whether my neck smells as good to Michael as his does to me. To tell the truth, I cannot even remember a time when Michael might have smelt my neck. Since he is taller than me, it is very easy for me to put my nose up to his neck and smell it. But for him to smell mine, he would have to lean down, which might look a bit weird, and could conceivably cause whiplash.

  'The protest against their unfair dismissal of Jangbu Pinasa!' Lilly shouted.

  Great. So now I know what I am doing after school. Like I don't have enough problems, what with:

  a) My princess lessons with Grandmere.

  b) Homework.

  c) Worrying about the party Mom is having for me Saturday night and the fact that probably no one will show up and even if they do it is entirely possible that my mom and Mr G might do something to embarrass me in front of them, such as complain about their bodily functions or possibly start playing the drums.

  d) Next week's menu for The Atom being due.

  e) The fact that my father expects me to spend sixty-two days with him in Genovia this summer.

  f) My boyfriend still not having asked me to the prom.

  Oh no, let me just FORGET ALL ABOUT all of THAT stuff and worry about Jangbu.

  I mean, don't get me wrong, I am totally worried about him, but hello, I have my own problems, too. Like the fact that Mr.G just passed back the quizzes from Monday, and mine has a big red C minus on it and a note: SEE ME.

  Urn, hello, Mr. G, like I didn't just see you AT BREAKFAST. You couldn't have mentioned this THEN?

  Oh my God, Lana just turned around and slapped a copy of New York Newsday on my desk. There is a huge picture on the cover of Grandmere leaving Les Hautes Manger with Rommel cowering in her arms, and bits of lobster bisque still stuck to

  her skirt.

  'Why is your family so full of FREAKS?' Lana wants to know.

  You know what, Lana? That is a very good question.

  Friday, May 2, Bio

  I cannot believe Mr G. The nerve of him, suggesting that my relationship with Michael is DISTRACTING me from my schoolwork! As if Michael has ever done anything but try to help me to understand Algebra. Hello!

  And OK, so Michael comes in to visit me every morning before class starts. So what? How is that harming anyone? I mean, yeah, it makes LANA mad, because Josh Richter NEVER comes in to see HER before class, becau
se he is too busy

  admiring his own highlights in the men's room mirror. But how is THAT distracting me from my schoolwork?

  I am going to have to have a serious talk with my mother, because I think the impending birth of his first child is turning Mr G into a misanthrope. So what if I got a sixty-nine on the last quiz? A person can have an off day, can't she? That does NOT mean that my grades are slipping, or that I am spending too much time with Michael, or thinking about smelling his neck