Queen of Babble Read online

  “Wow,” I say. “Thank you so much, Rose. That was really thoughtful of you.”

  Grandma starts to say something, but I squeeze her hand, hard.

  “Ow,” Grandma says. “Stab me next time, why don’t you?”

  “Well, I have to get Grandma inside,” I say. “Time for Dr. Quinn.”

  Rose looks down her nose at Grandma. “Oh God,” she says. “She didn’t talk about her lust for Byron Sully in front of everyone, did she?”

  “At least he’s got a job,” Grandma begins, “which is more than I can say for that husband of-”

  “Okay,” I say, grabbing Grandma and heading for the sliding doors. “Let’s go, Grandma. Don’t want to keep Sully waiting.”

  “That is no way,” I hear Rose wail behind us, “to talk about your grandson-in-law, Gram! Wait till I tell Daddy!”

  “Aw, go ahead,” Grandma retorts. Then, as I drag her away, she complains, “That sister of yours. How could you stand her all these years?”

  Before I can form a reply-that it wasn’t easy-I hear my other sister, Sarah, call my name. I turn around and see her staggering toward us, a casserole dish in her hands. Sadly, she is in a pair of white stretch capris that are far too tight on her.

  Will my sisters never learn? Some things need to be left a mystery.

  But I guess since that’s the look that won Sarah her husband, Chuck, she’s sticking with it.

  “Oh, hey,” Sarah says, not very distinctly. She’s clearly been hitting the Heineken herself. “I made your favorite for you, in honor of your big day.” She whisks the plastic wrap off the casserole dish and waves it under my nose. A wave of nausea grips me.

  “Tomato ratatouille!” Sarah shrieks, laughing uproariously. “Remember that time Aunt Karen made that ratatouille and Mom told you you had to eat it to be polite and you threw up over the side of the deck?”

  “Yes,” I said, feeling like I was about to throw up over the side of the deck all over again.

  “Wasn’t that funny? So I made it for old times’ sake. Hey, what’s the matter?” She seems to notice my expression for the first time. “Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you still hate tomatoes! I thought you grew out of that!”

  “Why should she?” Grandma demands. “I never did. Why don’t you take that stuff and put it up-”

  “Okay, Gram,” I say quickly. “Let’s go. Dr. Quinn’s waiting…”

  I hustle Grandma away before punches are thrown. Inside the sliding doors stand my parents.

  “There she is,” Dad says, brightening when he sees me. “The first of the Nichols girls actually to finish college!”

  I hope Rose and Sarah don’t overhear him. Even though it is, technically, true.

  “Hi, Dad,” I say. “Hi, Mom. Great par-” Then I notice the woman standing next to them. “Dr. Sprague!” I cry. “You came!”

  “Of course I came.” Dr. Sprague, my college adviser, gives me a hug and a kiss. “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Look at you, so skinny now! That low-carb thing really worked.”

  “Aw,” I say, “thanks.”

  “Oh, and here, I even brought you a little going-away present…sorry I didn’t have time to wrap it,” Dr. Sprague says, stuffing something into my hands.

  “Oh,” my father says. “A book light! Look at that, Lizzie! Bet you’ll find a use for that.”

  “Absolutely,” Mom says. “On those trains you’ll be taking across Europe. A book light always comes in handy.”

  “Jesus H. Christ,” Grandma says. “Was there a sale on ’em somewhere?”

  “Thank you so much, Dr. Sprague,” I hurry to say. “That was so thoughtful of you. But you really didn’t have to.”

  “I know,” Dr. Sprague says. She looks, as always, coolly professional in a red linen suit. Although I’m not sure that particular red is the right color for her. “I was wondering if we could talk privately for a moment, Elizabeth?”

  “Of course,” I say. “Mom, Dad, if you’ll excuse us. Maybe one of you can help Grandma find the Hallmark Channel? Her show is on.”

  “Oh God,” my mother says with a groan. “Not-”

  “You know,” Grandma says, “you could learn a lot from Dr. Quinn, Anne-Marie. She knows how to make soap from a sheep’s guts. And she had twins when she was fifty. Fifty!” I hear Grandma cry as Mom leads her toward the den. “I’d like to see you having twins at fifty.”

  “Is something wrong?” I ask Dr. Sprague, guiding her into my parents’ living room, which has changed very little in the four years since I’ve been living in a dormitory more or less down the street. The pair of armchairs in which my mom and dad read every night-him, spy novels, her, romance-are still slipcovered against Molly the sheepdog’s fur. Our childhood photos-me looking fatter in each consecutive one, Rose and Sarah slimmer and more glamorous-still line every inch of available wall space. It’s homey and threadbare and plain and I wouldn’t trade it for any living room in the world.

  With the possible exception of the one in Pam Anderson’s Malibu beach house, which I saw last week on MTV Cribs. It was surprisingly cute. Considering.

  “Didn’t you get my messages?” Dr. Sprague wants to know. “I’ve been calling your cell all morning.”

  “No,” I say. “I mean, I’ve been busy running around helping Mom set up the party. Why? What’s the matter?”

  “There’s no easy way to say this,” Dr. Sprague says with a sigh, “so I’ll just say it. When you signed up for the individualized major, Lizzie, you did realize one of the graduation requirements was a written thesis, didn’t you?”

  I stare at her blankly. “A what?”

  “A written thesis.” Dr. Sprague, apparently seeing by my expression that I have no idea what she’s talking about, sinks with a groan into my dad’s armchair. “Oh God. I knew it. Lizzie, didn’t you read any of the materials from the department?”

  “Of course I did,” I say defensively. “I mean…most of it, anyway.” It was all so boring.

  “Didn’t you wonder why, at commencement yesterday, your diploma tube was empty?”

  “Well, sure,” I say. “But I thought it was because I hadn’t finished my language requirement. Which is why I took both summer sessions-”

  “But you had to write a thesis, too,” Dr. Sprague says, “summarizing, basically, what you learned about your field of concentration. Liz, you haven’t officially graduated until you turn in a thesis.”

  “But”-my lips feel numb-“I’m leaving for England day after tomorrow for a month. To visit my boyfriend.”

  “Well,” Dr. Sprague says with a sigh, “you’ll have to write it when you get back, then.”

  It’s my turn to sink into the armchair she’s just vacated.

  “I can’t believe this,” I murmur, letting all of my book lights fall into my lap. “My parents put on this huge party-there must be sixty people out there. Some of my teachers from high school are coming. And you’re saying I’m not even really a college graduate?”

  “Not until you write that thesis,” Dr. Sprague says. “I’m sorry, Lizzie. But they’re going to want at least fifty pages.”

  “Fifty pages?” She might as well have said fifteen hundred. How am I going to enjoy having English breakfast in Andrew’s king-size bed knowing I have fifty pages hanging over my head? “Oh God.” Then a worse thought hits me. I’m no longer the first of the Nichols girls actually to finish college. “Please don’t mention this to my parents, Dr. Sprague. Please.”

  “I won’t. And I’m really sorry about this,” Dr. Sprague says. “I can’t imagine how it happened.”

  “I can,” I say miserably. “I should have gone to a small private college. In a huge state university, it’s so easy to get lost in the shuffle and turn out not to have actually graduated after all.”

  “But an education at a small private college would have cost you thousands of dollars, which you’d have to be worrying about paying back now,” Dr. Sprague says. “By attending the huge state university
in which your father works, you got a superior education for absolutely nothing, and so now, instead of having to get a job right away, you can flit off to England to spend time with-what’s his name again?”

  “Andrew,” I say dejectedly.

  “Right. Andrew. Well.” Dr. Sprague shoulders her expensive leather purse. “I guess I’d better be going now. I just wanted to drop by to give you the news. If it’s any comfort to you, Lizzie, I’m sure your thesis is going to be just great.”

  “I don’t even know what to write it on,” I wail.

  “A brief history of fashion will suffice,” Dr. Sprague says. “To show you learned something while you were here. And,” she adds brightly, “you can even do some research while you’re in England.”

  “I could, couldn’t I?” I’m starting to feel a little better. The history of fashion? I love fashion. And Dr. Sprague is right-England would be the perfect place to research this. They have all sorts of museums there. And I could go to Jane Austen’s house! They might even have some of her clothes there! Clothes like they wore in Pride and Prejudice on A amp;E! I loved those clothes!

  God. This might even turn out to be fun.

  I have no idea whether Andrew is going to want to go to Jane Austen’s house. But why wouldn’t he? He’s British. And so is she. Naturally he’s going to be interested in his own country’s history.

  Yeah. Yeah, this is going to be great!

  “Thanks for coming by personally to deliver the news, Dr. Sprague,” I say, getting up and showing her to the door. “And thanks so much for the book light, too.”

  “Oh,” Dr. Sprague says, “don’t mention it. I shouldn’t say this, of course, but we’re going to miss you around the office. You always made such a splash whenever you’d show up there, in one of your, um”-I notice her gaze drop to the macaroni necklace and my paint-splashed dress-“unusual outfits.”

  “Oh,” I say with a smile. “Well, thank you, Dr. Sprague. Any time you want me to find you an unusual outfit of your own, just stop by Vintage to Vavoom, you know, over in Kerrytown-”

  Just then my sister Sarah bursts into the living room, her anger over the tomato ratatouille incident apparently forgotten, since she’s laughing a little hysterically. She’s followed by her husband, Chuck, my other sister, Rose, her husband, Angelo, Maggie, our parents, the Rajghattas, various other party guests, Shari, and Chaz.

  “Here she is, here she is,” Sarah yells. She, I can tell right away, is drunker than ever. Sarah grabs my arm and starts dragging me toward the landing-the one we used to use as a stage, when we were little, for putting on little plays for our parents. Well, the one Rose and Sarah used to push ME onto, to put on little plays for our parents. And for them.

  “Come on, graduate,” Sarah says, having a little trouble with the word. “Sing! We all want you and Shari to sing your little song!”

  Only it comes out sounding like, Shing! We all want you and Shari to shing your liddle shong!

  “Uh,” I say, noticing that Rose has Shari in a grip about as tight as Sarah’s on me. “No.”

  “Oh, come on,” Rose cries. “We want to see our baby sister and her little fwiend do their song!” And she throws Shari hard against me, so that the two of us stumble and almost fall across the landing.

  “Your sisters,” Shari grumbles in my ear, “have the worst cases of sibling envy I have ever seen in my life. I can’t believe how much they resent you because you, unlike them, did not become impregnated by a bohunk your sophomore year and have to drop out and stay home all day with drooling sprog.”

  “Shari!” I am shocked by this assessment of my sisters’ lives. Even if it is, technically, accurate.

  “All college gwaduates,” Rose continues, apparently unaware that she’s using baby talk while speaking to adults, “have to shing!”

  “Rose,” I say. “No. Really. Maybe later. I’m not in the mood.”

  “All college graduates,” Rose repeats, this time with dangerously narrowed eyes, “have to sing!”

  “In that case,” I say, “you’re going to have to count me out.”

  And then I turn to face thirty dumbfounded expressions.

  And realize what I’ve just let slip.

  “Kidding,” I say quickly.

  And everyone laughs. Except for Grandma, who’s just come in from the den.

  “Sully’s not even in this episode,” she announces. “Goddammit. Who’s going to get an old lady a drink?”

  Then she topples over onto the carpet and lets out a gentle snore.

  “I love that woman,” Shari says to me as everyone rushes forward to attempt to revive my grandmother, completely forgetting about Shari and me.

  “So do I,” I say. “You have no idea how much.”

  The ancient Egyptians, who invented both toilet paper and the first known form of birth control (lemon rind as cervical cap, plus alligator dung, which made an effective, if pungent, spermicide), were extremely hygienic, preferring fine linen to any other material, as it was easily washable-a not entirely surprising attitude, considering the alligator dung.

  History of Fashion

  SENIOR THESIS BY ELIZABETH NICHOLS

  3

  Anyone who has obeyed nature by transmitting a piece of gossip experiences the explosive relief that accompanies the satisfying of a primary need.

  – Primo Levi (1919-1987), Italian chemist and author

  Ithought that was you!” Andrew gushes in that cute accent that had all the girls in McCracken Hall swooning-even if his th’s do sound like f’s. “What’s the matter? You walked right past me!”

  “She thought you were a kidnapper,” the guy from the Meet Your Party booth explains between guffaws.

  “Kidnapper?” Andrew looks from the guy in the booth to me. “What’s he talking about?”

  “Nothing,” I say, grabbing Andrew’s arm and rushing him away from the booth. “Nothing, really. Oh my gosh! It’s good to see you!”

  “Good to see you, too,” Andrew says, putting an arm around my waist and giving me a hug-so tight that the epaulets from his jacket dig into my cheek. “You look fucking fantastic! Did you lose weight or something?”

  “Just a little,” I say modestly. No need for Andrew to know that no starch whatsoever-not so much as a French fry or even a lousy crumb of bread-has touched my lips since he waved good-bye to me last May.

  Then Andrew notices me looking at an older bald man who has come up to us and is smiling politely at me. He is wearing a navy-blue windbreaker and a pair of brown corduroy pants. In August.

  This is not a good sign. I’m just saying.

  “Oh, right!” Andrew cries. “Liz, this is my dad. Dad, this is Liz!”

  Oh, how sweet! He brought his dad to meet me at the airport! Andrew really MUST be taking our relationship seriously if he would go to so much trouble. I’ve already forgiven him for the jacket.

  Well, almost.

  “How do you do, Mr. Marshall?” I say, putting out my hand to shake his. “It’s so nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you, too,” Andrew’s father says with a nice smile. “And please, call me Arthur. Don’t mind me, I’m just the chauffeur.”

  Andrew laughs. So do I. Except-Andrew doesn’t have his own car?

  Oh, but wait, that’s right. Shari said things are different in Europe, that lots of people don’t own cars because they’re so expensive. And Andrew is trying to get by on a teacher’s salary…

  I’ve got to stop being so judgmental about other cultures. I think it’s just cute as can be that Andrew doesn’t have a car. So environmentally conscious! Besides, he lives in London. I imagine lots of people in London don’t have cars. They take public transportation, or they walk, like New Yorkers. Which is why there are so few fat people in New York. You know, because they’re all such healthy walkers. Probably there aren’t many fat people in London, either. I mean, look at Andrew. He’s thin as a toothpick, practically.

  And yet he’s got those marvelous gra
pefruit-size biceps…

  Although now that I look at them, they seem sort of more orange-size.

  But how could anybody really tell beneath a leather jacket, anyway?

  It’s sweet he has such a close relationship with his dad, too. I mean, that he could ask him to come with him to pick up his girlfriend at Heathrow. My dad is always too busy working to take time out for things like that. But then, his job at the cyclotron is very important, since they’re always smashing atoms up there and things. Andrew’s dad is a teacher, like Andrew wants to be. Teachers get summers off.

  Dr. Rajghatta would laugh his head off if my dad ever asked for a summer off.

  Andrew takes my bag, which has wheels, so it’s actually the lightest thing I’m carrying. My carry-on is way heavier, since it has all my makeup and beauty supplies in it. I wouldn’t mind so much if the airline lost my clothes, but I would totally die if they lost my makeup. I look like a total beast without it. I have eyes that are so small and squinty without liner and mascara I actually resemble a pig…even if Shari, who’s lived with me for the past four years, swears this isn’t true. Shari says I could get away without makeup if I wanted to.

  But why would I want to when makeup is such a brilliant and helpful invention for those of us cursed with piggy eyes?

  Still, makeup does weigh an awful lot, at least when you have as much of it as I do. Not to mention all of my hairstyling equipment and products. Having long hair is no joke. You have to bring about nine tons of stuff with you in order to keep it properly shampooed, conditioned, tangle-and-frizz-free, dry, shiny, and full of body. Not to mention all the different adapters I had to bring for my hair dryer and curling iron, since Andrew was remarkably unhelpful in describing what British electrical outlets look like (“They look like outlets,” he kept saying on the phone. Isn’t this just like a guy?), so I had to bring every different kind I could find at CVS.