The Princess Present (princess diaries) Read online

  I toldGrandmère that contrary to what she might believe, the Depression is over and nobody wears

  gunnysacks anymore.

  But I don't know. I mean, what about that movieNell , starring Jodie Foster, where she played that deaf

  mute who lived way out in the woods and was always going on about "dancin'een theweend "? I am

  pretty sure that was set inWest Virginia .Or one of theCarolinas . Close enough. And she was wearing a

  gunnysack.Or a housedress at the very last.

  Oh, my God, I hope they don't expect us to dress like the natives in order to blend in! I don't own a

  housedress! I don't even think you can buy one of those inNew York !

  Friday, March 11, 11 p.m., the loft

  I was so worked up about all the gunnysacks and Gatorade that when I got home I asked Mr.Gianini if

  there was something he maybe wasn't telling me about his past trips with Housing for the Hopeful. Mr. G

  has never actually been toWest Virginia before, but he went toMexico and someTexas border towns

  with H for the H. He went, "Really, Mia, I can't say enough positive things about the experience. It really

  taught me to appreciate all that I have."

  Which is fine, but didn't really answer my question about the gunnysacks.He did say I could borrow his

  hammer, though.

  So I went online and instant messaged Michael, because after all, he is my heart's desire, and the only

  person on earth who can soothe me when my soul turns fractious as an injured pony.

  But even though he is my reason for living and all of that, Michael was totally unhelpful about the whole

  gunnysack thing.

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  LINUXRULZ: Mia, the people we are going to build homes for are poor, not demented. I am sure they

  are going to be wearing something other than bags. I mean, it's not going to be like inDeliverance .

  I have never seenDeliverance because I don't like movies where things jump out at people from behind

  trees, but I pretended like I had, because I want Michael to think I am mature for my age. After all, he is

  a senior and I am only a freshman. I have to do what I can to keep him from remembering I am only

  fourteen and three quarter years old.

  FTLOUIE: I know. But I mean, did you ever readChristy ?

  This is kind of a stupid question to ask a guy, since the only guy I know who has readChristy is my

  neighbor Ronnie, who is now a girl.But whatever. Michael is way well read, for a member of what my

  mom likes to call the cult of patriarchy.

  FTLOUIE: becauseChristy takes place in theSmokeyMountains , which are practically the same as

  theAppalachians , and everybody in it gets typhoid because of the unsanitary conditions, including

  Christy, and I am just saying, maybe that's why we're not supposed to touch the animals....

  LINUXRULZ: Mia, stop worrying so much. If it were really unsafe, do you think Principal Gupta would

  be going?

  FTLOUIE: Principal Gupta does some very strange things sometimes. Remember when she agreed to

  play OfficerKrupke in the drama club's production of West Side Story?

  LINUXRULZ: Mia, instead of obsessing over the possibility of contracting typhoid and/or having to

  wear a gunnysack, why don't you try to keep in mind the most important aspect of this whole trip?

  I thought maybe he meant the fact that we were going to get to make out beneath theWest Virginia stars.

  But since that seemed unlikely, given our last few conversations, I decided he must mean the whole thing

  where I might possibly find out that I am good at something besides recording every single last detail of

  my existence in this diary, which is not exactly a worthwhile skill.

  But when I realized he couldn't possibly mean that, because I hadn't mentioned my secret fantasy that it

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  turns out I am an excellent plasterer, or whatever. So instead I wrote:

  FTLOUIE: You mean the part where we are helping the poor to self-actualize?

  LINUXRULZ: No, I mean the part where you and I get to spend five whole days together without any

  interference from your grandmother.

  Oooooh! So heis catching on, after all!!!

  Michael's right. Who cares about typhoid when there'skissing ?

  Saturday, March 12, 5:30 a.m., on the bus toWest Virginia

  Well, the kissing hasn't started yet.

  That's because before we'd even gotten to the Lincoln Tunnel, Boris got carsick and had to throw up in

  a paper bag, and Lilly said no way was she sitting by him anymore, and told Michael to move so she

  could sit by me, and when Michael said no, Boris threw up some more, only this time he missed the

  paper bag, and it went all over the floor, and Principal Gupta and Mrs. Hill had to clean it up, but they

  didn't do a very good job on account of not having any paper towels or anything, so we all had to move

  to the back of the bus, away from vomit fumes, and Michael was the only one who volunteered to stay

  with Boris and make sure that next time he threw up in the bag.

  My boyfriend is so cool. Not only is he incredibly smart and a very talented musician and skilled with

  computers and an excellent kisser and all of that, but he is also extremely compassionate. Maybe he will

  be a doctor someday, and discover a cure for cancer. I certainly hope so, because that's the only way

  theGenovian Parliament is going to approve me marrying him.

  I am not worried, though. Michael is a man among men, and will doubtlessly do something extraordinary

  with his life that will win the hearts of theGenovian people, just as he has won mine. If only I had as many

  useful talents as Michael does. It would be nice if I could play the guitarand knew html.

  Anyway, even though I offered to sit up in the front of the bus with Michael and help him pass paper

  bags to Boris, he said, just like Daniel Day-Lewis inThe Last of the Mohicans, "No, Mia, save

  yourself," so now Lilly, Tina, and I are all crammed into one seat until we get to the first rest stop on the

  N.J. Turnpike and the bus driver can give the floor a good hosing. Principal Gupta says as soon as we

  pull over, she is going to buy some Dramamine and make Boris take it. Boris says Dramamine makes him

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  drowsy and robs him of his personality.

  I can't wait.

  Anyway, Lilly has already started filming. She got a very good close-up of the vomit. She started filming

  at five A.M., which is the time everybody had to be atAlbertEinsteinHigh School with all of our stuff in

  order to catch the bus. Everybody had a lot of stuff, especially considering that this trip will only last five

  days.

  The person with the least luggage is Lars. Even though I lobbied very hard not to be accompanied on

  this trip by my royal bodyguard, m dad insisted. He said he wasn't thrilled about my going in the first

  place- Dad wants me to spend every vacation I get inGenovia - but since Mom had already said I could,

  he wouldn't contradict her. He wouldn't, however, allow me to go without protection from would-be

  kidnappers. All of my arguing that Tina was getting to gosans personal security system ­ Mr. Hakim

  Baba has no enemies, it turns out, in West Virginia, and soWahim gets a well-earned vacation...only he's

  not as happy about it as you would think, since it means Lars gets Mademoiselle Klein all to

  himself...well, and Mr.Wheeton ­ seemed t
o fall on deaf ears. Lars was going, my dad said, and that's

  it.

  At least Lars travels light. All he brought is one small duffel bag. I asked Lars where his sleeping bag and

  pillow were, and he just smiled. I hope he does not think he is sharing mine. I love my bodyguard, but not

  that much.

  Anyway, Lilly is filming everything on the bus so we won't forget a thing. She took a good long shot of

  the sign hanging over the bus driver's head. The sign says:

  I AM YOUR BUS DRIVER,CHARLIE.

  SAFE, COURTEOUS, AND RELIABLE.

  PLEASE STAY BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE.

  While we were stuck in traffic in front of the Lincoln Tunnel, Lilly asked us what we thought Charlie

  would do if Principal Gupta suddenly threw herself across the yellow line.

  "Because Charlie is safe and reliable," Tina said, "he would probably go, `Miss! Stay behind the yellow

  line!'

  "Yes," I agreed. "But because he is also courteous, he'd probably put it like, `Please, miss! Stay behind

  the yellow line! Thank you!'"

  For some reason, this made us laugh until we felt like throwing up ourselves.

  Only six and a half more hours to go until we get there.

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  Saturday, March 12,10 a .m., somewhere along theNew Jersey Turnpike

  Michael and I are finally sitting together, but we are not making out yet, because Michael does not

  believe in public displays of affection, because, as he says, Some Things Are Private.

  Which I fully understand and appreciate.I mean, it is not like I want him to go aroundFrenching me in the

  caf , or whatever.

  But you know,holdinghands wouldn't hurt.

  On the other hand, it is sort of uncomfortable to hold hands for any extended period of time. Mine

  always starts getting all sweaty. My hand, I mean. Michael's doesn't. His hands are never sweaty.

  Maybe on account of him being a musician and all.

  Maybe I am suffering from a genetic mutation. I mean, on top of my flat-chestednessand

  lack-of-useful-skill-ism. Maybe I've got an extra-sweaty-hand chromosome, or something.

  Anyway, Charlie, being safe, courteous, and reliable, hosed down Boris barf when we got to the Molly

  Pitcher Service Area, and then we all got back on board, and with the windows down, you really can't

  smell it that much. Principal Gupta gave Boris a good dose of Dramamine, and now he is unconscious

  with his head lolling against Lilly's shoulder. I guess he wasn't kidding about motion-sickness medicine

  causing him to lose his personality. We should give him some every day, if you ask me.

  Still, even though Boris spent most of the beginning of the trip barfing, that hasn't stopped him and Lilly

  from being the first couple to get caught making out. The were first spotted sucking face in the Roy

  Rogers at the rest stop, and a sharp rebuke from Principal Gupta caused them to spring apart.

  But just recently I looked toward the back of the bus, and they were at it again! Those two can't keep

  their hands off each other!!!

  I wish Michael would look back there, and realize maybe alittle PDA couldn't hurt...

  Oh, my God, I am so tired. And my hair smells a little like Boris's barf. I can't wait until we get there,

  and I can wash my hair, and then all the kissing can start.

  Saturday, March 12, 5 p.m., Hominy Knob, WestVirginia

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  Oh...my...God.

  We're here. We finally arrived, and Charlie unloaded our bags, and then we had to pick them up and

  carry them to...

  OUR TENTS!!!!!!!!!

  YES!!!!!!!!! TENTS!!!!!! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN TENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

  I realized, of course, that we'd be sleeping intents, I saw pictures of them in the brochure.

  But the tents in the brochure had, like, wooden floors, and were raised off the ground. These tents have

  no wood supports at all. And they are RIGHT ON THE GROUND. WHERE THERE ARE ALSO

  SNAKES.

  I have never slept in a tent in my life. Seriously, I am not trying to be a princess about this, but, I mean,

  what about bears? And don't tell me there are no bears around here, because we are SURROUNDED

  by woods, there is NOTHING but woods in West Virginia, and yeah, Principal Gupta keeps going on

  about how beautiful it is, and look at the mountains and smell the clean, fresh air, but hello????

  BEARS!!!!!!!!

  And didn't she ever seeThe Blair Witch Project? I mean, I will admit I watched that entire movie with

  my eyes closed, but it SOUNDED really scary, and I believe it took place, um, where? OH YES, THE

  WOODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  This is it. We are all so dead.

  Lars says not to worry, that he will make sure no wild animals or serial killers get into the tent Lilly and

  Tina and I are sharing. But I don't know. That's what the people inThe Blair Witch Project did, and

  look what happened to them! All they founded of that one guy was his finger! I do not want to find

  Lars's finger! I do not want to loseLars, he is an excellent bodyguard with a good sense of humor. Plus

  he doesn't mind when Michael and I make out. Do you know how rare that is in a bodyguard????

  Anyway,West Virginia itself isn't so bad. So far we haven't met one person wearing a gunnysack or

  playing the banjo in a menacing way. Everybody looks...well, just like people inNew York . We haven't

  met our "host family" yet. The way it works is, we are all split into groups, and then each group is

  assigned to a host family, and then they work on that family's house. I was very scared about the group

  thing, like, that I might get assigned to a group away from all my friends, where I wouldn't know

  anybody. But fortunately, you get to pick your own group. So Michael, Lilly, Boris, Tina, Mrs. Hill, Lars,

  me, Dr. Gonzales, and this one boy, PeterTsu , who is a junior and is on the wrestling team, are all in one

  group.

  I feel kind of sorry for our host family, to tell you the truth. Because I mean, except for Dr. Gonzales and

  possibly PeterTsu ­ who I don't know anything about ­ none of us has ever built anything before. Some

  of us have never even held a hammer before.

  Our host family's house has a fair chance of ending up looking like complete crap.

  Oh, God, there's the bell. We are supposed to gather in the "dining tent" now for orientation and

  supper. I am having grave reservations about all of this. I mean, besides the tents and the whole thing

  where we are probably going to end up ruining our host family's chances of getting decent housing, there

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  is the fact that they have separated the girls' tents from the boys' tents ­ which is going to make it VERY

  difficult to find a place private enough to suit Michael's sensibilities for any make-out session that might lie

  in our future ­ with ­ I shudder to write it ­ Port-O-Lets!

  Yes!!!!! That is right!!!!!! There are not even any working indoor toilets ­ at least until we install our

  hostfamily's . We have to use Port-O-Lets!

  And don't even get me started on the whole shower thing. The need for solar shower bags came into

  startling clarity when I saw the shower area, which is just a bunch oftarped -off stalls with hooks to hang

  your shower bag from.

  It looks like it's going to be wet wipes the whole way, as it is drizzling steadily and there is not a hint of
/>   sun.

  And you can't wash the smell of barf out of your hair with wet wipes. Believe me, I tried.

  The bell again.Got to go.Must find a place to hide this journal so the bears/serial killers/ Blair Witch

  won't find it while I am gone.

  I really should try to get used to all this, because if I ever want to volunteer with Greenpeace and help

  save the whales, the living conditions could be even worse.

  Saturday, March 12, 9 p.m., Hominy Knob, WestVirginia

  We met our host family. They are Angie and ToddHarmeyer and their two children, three-year-old

  Mitchell and two-year-old Stefano. I swear that is the baby's name.Stefano. There is another baby on

  the way, too. Mrs.Harmeyer is due in a month, though if you ask me, she looks like she could blow at

  any moment.