Boy Meets Girl b-3 Read online

  Sleaterkinneyfan:

  Yes. They are blinding me. A gift from Stuart, perhaps?

  Sleaterkinneyfan:

  You know it. I can’t believe he’s giving her that kind of stuff, and they aren’t even married yet. It’s not even her birthday! You know the last present Craig gave me? A scale. Nice, huh?

  Sleaterkinneyfan:

  Hey, the last present Dale gave me was a drumstick. He said it was Flea’s. But I’m not so sure.

  Sleaterkinneyfan:

  How was the apartment hunting?

  Sleaterkinneyfan:

  Well, if I had ten grand in my savings account for first and last month’s rent plus a security deposit, I’d be golden. But since I don’t, I guess it’s just going to have to be me, Dolly, Peter, and Skiboy. At least until I get my tax refund—and the lease runs out on my place with Dale, and I get my half of the deposit back. And I’m able to hock one pair of peed-on suede boots and my very valuable collected works of the Bangles.

  Sleaterkinneyfan:

  Ouch. You know there’s always room at Chez Sadler.

  Sleaterkinneyfan:

  Thanks. You’re the best. I—Uh-oh, phone call. More later.

  To: Jen Sadler

  Fr: Kate Mackenzie

  Re: My mother

  I thought mothers were supposed to be sweet and supportive, and love you unconditionally. In fact, I distinctly remember Professor Wingblade telling us that mothers are the ONLY people who can be counted on for unconditional love.

  So how come MY mother, instead of feeling badly for me that my boyfriend refuses to commit, is yelling at ME for putting too much pressure on him? I swear to God, my own mother likes my ex more than she likes me.

  Kate

  To: Kate Mackenzie

  Fr: Jen Sadler

  Re: Your mother

  That’s just because she hasn’t seen you in that skirt yet.

  No, seriously, your mother is currently driving across the country in an RV with a man ten years her junior who likes to whittle bird whistles. Okay? Like you’re really going to score points with this woman for breaking up with your soon-to-be-rock-star boyfriend. Did she tell you that you should have just let yourself get “accidentally pregnant” and then you’d have been set for life? Ten to one she did. Is this the sign of a woman playing with a full deck?

  J

  To: Jen Sadler

  Fr: Kate Mackenzie

  Re: My mother

  YES! Oh my God, did you get struck by lightning, or something? Because you’re clairvoyant.

  Like I would want to get a husband THAT way. Like having a husband is even that important to me. I mean, you can be a fully rounded human being and not be married, you know. In fact, remember how Professor Wingblade told us that the overall happiness level of marrieds vs. singles was higher in singles? What does THAT say to you?

  Oh, sorry. I forgot you were married there for a second.

  But I’m just saying. It isn’t because I want to be married that I broke up with Dale. It’s because if he doesn’t love me enough to want to marry me, then he doesn’t love me at all.

  Or something like that. Know what I mean? God, I HATE talking to my mother, she always gets me confused.

  Kate

  To: Kate Mackenzie

  Fr: Jen Sadler

  Re: Your mother

  I get what you mean. Hey, shouldn’t you be meeting your lunch date round about now? It’s almost 12:30.

  J

  To: Jen Sadler

  Fr: Kate Mackenzie

  Re: My mother

  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  I’m late!

  Oh my God, I knew I should have made Jen switch skirts with me, I must look like the biggest slut in the world, it’s no wonder he took that call on his cell and has been out in the restaurant lobby

  South Sea Shark’s Fin for Two

  $19.95

  for so long, he’s probably embarrassed to be seen with me, and who can blame him, I look like Alyssa

  Crab Meat Asparagus Bisque for Two

  $8.95

  Milano onCharmed or whatever. He’s probably scared of me, oh God why did I ever

  Fish Maw Chowder

  $8.95

  say I would have lunch with him? I mean, he’s a LAWYER, after all, and I’ve always sworn . . .

  Fish Filet in Broth for Two

  $7.95

  but he’s just sonice, and the chicken in garlic sauce IS really good here, and I’m sure his call must

  Chengdu Wonton in Broth

  $3.50

  be really important, and he DID look really annoyed when he saw who it was on the caller ID.

  Hot and Sour Soup

  $3.50

  Probably it’s about a really important case or something. I hope it’s not that Clarissa girl, I really don’t

  Chicken Corn Egg Drop Soup

  $3.50

  think he’d have taken it if it was, although maybe, who knows? It’s kind of funny, I really don’t think he likes Amy all that much. He says people who exercise that many times a day scare him, which is good

  Pan-seared Dumplings

  $4.95

  because God knows I could barely move yesterday after that run around the reservoir the day before.

  Steamed Vegetable Dumpling

  $4.95

  Not that it was much of a run considering the fact that Dolly stopped every 60 seconds to talk to

  Spareribs

  $6.95

  someone who was going by, God she knows everyone in the world, it seems like. Plus he likes the

  Fantail Shrimp

  $6.95

  Travel Channel, which means we already have something in common, not that we like it for the same

  Cantonese Roast Duck

  $5.95

  reason, he likes it because he’s been to all those places, I like it because now I don’t have to go, since I

  Shanghai Vegetable Spring Roll

  $2.50

  saw it already on TV. But still that’s something, anyway, more than I had in common with Dale, except

  Chilled Noodles with Spicy Vinaigrette

  $4.50

  that we grew up together and both like, you know, sex. And he was the nicest boy in the whole school,

  Stir Fried Chicken with Lettuce Taco

  $6.95

  and the only one who was even remotely interested in anything besides football. And he’s

  Sichuan Pork Dumpling with Chili Vinaigrette

  $4.50

  not a businessy type of person (Dale, I mean), because I don’t know if I could be with someone who is

  Fried Taro Toast

  $3.95

  always worried about the bottom line or whatever, at least Dale was in a creative profession. Not like I’m going out with Mitch Hertzog, or anything. I mean, I WISH. It’s just lunch, for God’s sake. To talk about taking a restraining order out on Dale.

  Only he’s SO NICE—Mitch, I mean—and he smells good, too, and he has on a Spiderman tie today. He says his nieces gave it to him, too. God, I hope it isn’t serious between Mitch and that Praying Mantis girl. OH MY GOD

  IS THAT SCROGGS????

  To: Mitchell Hertzog

  Fr: Kate Mackenzie

  Re: Lunch

  Please let me apologize one more time. I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR SUIT. I don’t know what came over Dale, I really don’t. I guess he thought we were out on a date or something, ha ha! Well, you know he’s a little unstable. But really nonviolent. Except toward suits, apparently.

  PLEASE, you’ve got to send me the dry-cleaning bill.
I owe you that much at least.

  Kate

  To: Kate Mackenzie

  Fr: Jen Sadler

  Re: You

  What happened????? You look white as a sheet. Did one of those video voyeurs get a shot up that skirt of yours as you were coming down the steps outside the building? Because we can track down the guy and have a blanket party on his head if you want. I know people who can make it happen.

  J

  To: Jen Sadler

  Fr: Kate Mackenzie

  Re: What happened

  Oh, just the USUAL. I made a complete and utter fool of myself. WHY can’t I EVER pass myself off as a cool-headed businesswoman? WHY???

  Of COURSE we were having a perfectly nice time—well, except that he got this call in the middle of the meal, but whatever, it was probably some multimillion-dollar deal he’s working on, or something—when who should come in to the restaurant but DALE, and the whole rest of the I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches crew, and he starts making this big deal out of how I’m there, like it’s kismet or something, only he kept calling itschism, and then Mitch walked up and was like, “Sorry about that,” and sat down across from me, and next thing I knew, Dale had thrown the entire platter of chicken in garlic sauce on Mitch.

  So there I am, lamely trying to wipe it off him, which meant, of course, that I actually had to touch him, although it was through a napkin, but can I just take a moment to say hubba-hubba? I mean, I could FEEL his muscles through all the stir-fried rice. How does a lawyer get all built up like that? I mean, Dale plays guitar, but you know, his chest practically caves in and he mostly looks anemic. . . .

  But anyway.

  It was just mortifying, all right? What do I DO??? I made Dale apologize, but you could tell he didn’t mean it. And I guess I can’t really blame him, we WERE talking about taking out a restraining order against him, but really, it’s all Dale’s fault. I mean, Del Monte peaches? Who DOES that?

  What do you think I should do? Send flowers? Or candy? That seems sort of . . . not right. For a guy, I mean. What would you do? I mean, if it had been Craig. And you two weren’t married. But you still thought he was way hot and wanted him to like you. Even though he’s a soulless corporate drone. Who likes Spiderman.

  I mean, I e-mailed him, but it doesn’t seem like enough. Know what I mean?

  I really, truly wish I were dead.

  Kate

  To: Kate Mackenzie

  Fr: Jen Sadler

  Re: What happened

  You did the right thing. Believe me, if this guy is interested, he’ll forgive you.

  But what about Dale? Are you going for the restraining order or not? Seems like YOU’RE not the one who should file for it. Mr. Muscle should.

  Could you tell if he had a six-pack?

  J

  To: Jen Sadler

  Fr: Kate Mackenzie

  Re: What happened

  The restraining order! Oh! I forgot all about it!

  Definite six-pack. The guy is cut.

  Oh my God. I can’t believe I just wrote that.

  Kate

  To: Kate Mackenzie

  Fr: Jen Sadler

  Re: What happened

  God dammit. Blondes really do have more fun.

  J

  To: Kate Mackenzie

  Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

  Re: Lunch

  You don’t owe me anything. Look, really, don’t worry about it. How were you to know the label would pick THAT restaurant, out of all the restaurants in Manhattan, to take your ex-boyfriend’s band to lunch after signing their big deal? It IS midtown, and there ARE a lot of record companies in Manhattan.

  And I thought he comported himself very well, after the initial surprise.

  The garlic sauce will come out.

  If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me. I am so sorry about that horrifically long phone call. It’s just that my little sister is home from college, and there’ve been some issues between her and my mother, and somehow, I always seem to get caught up in the middle. . . .

  Anyway, if you’d really like to make it up to me, we can try again. How about dinner Friday night?

  Let me know.

  Mitch

  P.S. Actually, considering what happened today, I think it might be safer if we were to eat in. My place okay? I make a mean shrimp scampi.

  P.P.S. Want to give me a clue as to why your ex’s band is called I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches? Not that I’m aching to go out and buy their new album. Just curious.

  To: Mitch Hertzog

  Fr: Kate Mackenzie

  Re: Dinner

  I would love to have dinner at your place, if you’re sure it’s not too much trouble. And you have to let me bring something. Dessert all right? Thanks for asking . . . and for being so understanding about Dale.

  The reason his band is called I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches is because Dale used to work in the only bagel shop in downtown Luxor, Kentucky, where we both grew up, and people used to come in all the time and ask for bagel sandwiches—you know, like ham and cheese on a bagel, or peanut butter and jelly—and Dale didn’t think that was right, because he thinks bagels don’t make good sandwich bread, because they’re too thick and you can’t get a good bite without scraping your gums or whatever, so he went on this kind of strike and would only put traditional things on the bagels, like smoked salmon and cream cheese, and the manager got mad and asked him what he was doing, and Dale yelled, “I’m not making any more sandwiches,” and so they fired him—unjustly, he felt.

  Anyway, the local newspaper heard about the bagel controversy, and they ran a big front-page story on it, along with a big photo of Dale. The caption read,I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches . And the phrase just caught on around town, and so the guys in the band, to capitalize on the modicum of celebrity Dale had, started calling their band that, and the name just stuck.

  Wish I could chat more, but I have a staff meeting to attend. Talk to you later!

  Kate

  New York Journal

  Human Resources Division Staff Meeting

  Agenda:

  Oh my God, could this be more boring? I can’t believe the T.O.D. dragged me from an e-mail from Mitch for this.

  —K

  Review of Unlawful Harassment Policy

  The Company is committed to providing a work environment free of unlawful harassment.

  So. Mitch, is it now? You like him!

  —J

  Company policy prohibits harassment because of sex (which includes sexual harassment, gender harassment, and harassment due to pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical conditions)—

  Shut up.

  You do. Admit it.

  —and harassment because of race, religious creed, color, national origin or ancestry, physical or—

  Hedid ask me over for dinner on Friday night.

  —mental disability, medical condition, marital status, political affiliation, age, sexual orientation—

  OVER for dinner? SEXY. It had to have been the skirt. It couldn’t have been the garlic sauce down his pants, now could it?

  —or any other basis protected by federal, state, or local law or ordinance of regulation. All such harassment is unlawful. Prohibited unlawful harassment includes, but is not limited to, the following behavior:—

  Shut up. God, I hate this. By the way, I said I’d bring dessert. Can I have your lemon-bar recipe?

  Does Mitch really strike you as the lemon-bar type? I think he’s more seven-layer cookie, myself.

  Verbal misconduct such as ep
ithets, derogatory jokes or comments, slurs or unwanted sexual advances.

  Seven-layer cookies are too heavy.

  For what? For a little apres dinner—

  Visual misconduct such as derogatory and/or sexually oriented posters, photography, cartoons, or gestures, including those accessed or sent via e-mail.

  SHUT UP!

  How did you know what I was going to write?

  Physical conduct such as assault, unwanted touching, blocking normal movement or interfering with work because of sex, race, or any other protected basis.