Queen of Babble Gets Hitched qob-3 Read online

  And okay, true, I still can’t even think about my own wedding without telltale hives showing up—oh God! There’s one on the inside of my elbow now!

  But still. Why is it that when it comes to the wedding planning, people always ask the bride how it’s going and never the groom? My family’s been hounding me for months. I haven’t heard a peep out of the de Villierses about it. Are any of them throwing me showers or engagement parties? Um, no. At least my family’s offered. Even though I’ve turned them all down, since I’m too busy with work even to think about that kind of thing.

  And I seem to break into hives at the mere mention of the word “engagement.”

  “Charles,” Valencia says.

  That’s the other thing about Valencia. She calls Chaz Charles. No one calls Chaz Charles. Except his parents.

  Chaz can’t stand his parents.

  “No, no, it’s okay,” Luke says, after slurping down one of the Caraquets. “Of course we’re going to set a date. We were thinking September, right, Lizzie?”

  I stare at him in total astonishment. This is—literally—the first I’ve heard of this. “We were?”

  “Well, that’s when there’s an opening in the rental schedule at Mirac,” Luke says. “And it won’t be too hot then. And that’s when most of my parents’ friends will be back from their summer places. We want to make sure they can come, because they’re the ones who are going to pony up with the best gifts.” He winks at me.

  I continue to stare at him. I have no idea what he’s talking about. I mean, I do, but I can’t believe he’s saying it. Out loud.

  “And that should give you plenty of time to start planning things,” he goes on. “Three months is enough time, right?”

  I look down. It’s amazing. But there’s another hive popping up inside my other elbow.

  “I… ” I can’t stop staring at the angry red welts in the romantic restaurant lighting. The walls are red. Just like Valencia’s dress. Just like my hives. “I don’t know. I guess. But… don’t you have to be back for school?”

  “I can miss the first couple weeks of classes,” Luke says with a shrug. “It’s no big deal.”

  Something in his tone causes me to look up from my hives—there are two new ones—and into his face.

  “Wait,” I say. “You are going back to school in the fall. Aren’t you, Luke?”

  “Of course.” Luke grins at me, that handsome, easy smile that so enchanted me from that first moment I met him on the train to Sarlat. “Lizzie… you look like something just went down the wrong way. Is everything all right?”

  “She’s been working too hard,” Chaz says, speaking for the first time since popping his most unwelcome question. “Look at her. She’s got those dark circles under her eyes.”

  I fling my hands to my face, horrified. “I do not!”

  “Charles,” Valencia says again, grinning. Her teeth are perfectly white and even. I wonder how she has time for tenure-tracking between flossing.

  “Does she even sleep anymore?” Chaz wants to know.

  “She’s like a machine,” Luke says. “I’ve never seen anybody work so hard.”

  “Of course I’m working hard,” I say, flinging open my handbag and digging through it for my compact mirror. “It’s June! What do you think happens in June? That’s when people get married. Normal people, I mean, who actually talk about when they’re going to get married, instead of avoiding the subject like it’s a ticking bomb that has to be defused the way we do, Luke. I’ve been working on twenty gowns, all at the same time. I’m trying to start a name for myself, you know. Single-handedly, I might add, since my boss has been out sick for the past half a year. And having you guys tell me I have circles under my eyes and that I work too hard totally doesn’t help!”

  “Lizzie,” Chaz says. I can see him staring at me from behind the compact, which I hold up to check on the circles. “I’m totally teasing you. You look beautiful. As always.”

  “Really, Lizzie,” Luke says. He picks up another oyster and swallows it without chewing. “What happened to your sense of humor?”

  “She’s terribly solipsistic, isn’t she?” I hear Valencia murmur, though I know she hadn’t meant me to. I’ll have to look up the word “solipsistic” later.

  I feel tears prick the corners of my eyes. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But I do know I want to kill everyone at the table. I really do.

  Starting with Valencia.

  “And the only reason I don’t talk about the wedding,” Luke goes on, “is that you always seem to stress out about it so much whenever I bring it up. I know your family wants to have it at their house. I also know you’d rather die… but you can’t seem to figure out how to tell them that. So I thought it would be better for me to leave it alone until you figure it all out for yourself. That’s it. It’s not that I don’t want to marry you anymore, or anything like that, you knucklehead.”

  Luke reaches over, drags me toward him, and kisses me on top of my head. I keep my gaze on the tabletop. I’m afraid that if I look up, everyone will see the tears—and shame—in my eyes.

  I can’t believe I wanted to kill him.

  Also that I still sort of want to.

  I don’t even know why. Or what’s wrong with me. Oh God.

  What’s wrong with me?

  “Aw,” Chaz says about the kiss. “That is just so sweet.”

  “Shut up, Chaz,” I say, still not meeting anyone’s gaze.

  “Yeah, shut up, Chaz,” Luke says. He’s grinning again and helping himself to another oyster.

  “So, September,” Valencia says. “That’s quite soon, isn’t it?”

  “I don’t know about September,” I say, digging through my purse again. I’m looking for my lip gloss. “I have a couple of gowns due in September. I don’t know if I’ll have them ready in time… let alone my own gown.” The words “my own gown” cause my stomach to give a lurch. If there’d been anything but wine in it, I’m pretty sure it would have come up.

  “Lizzie,” Luke says in a warning voice.

  “Well, what do you want me to do, Luke?” I ask, knowing I sound petulant, but not caring. “I’m just saying, things are going really well at the shop and if it keeps up like this, September should be a busy time for me as well—”

  “When isn’t a busy time for you?” Luke wants to know. “I feel like I hardly ever see you anymore.”

  “Well, you’re not exactly Mr. Availability yourself, taking a job in Paris for the summer,” I snap.

  “Hey now, kids,” Chaz says. “Can’t we all just get along?”

  “I took that job for us,” Luke says. “To pay for our wedding.”

  “Oh, right,” I say. “A wedding we’re having at your house, apparently. Which is a vineyard. The booze and venue are already paid for. How much can it cost? Stop using the cost of the wedding as an excuse for why you’re leaving.”

  Luke stares at me. “Hey,” he says, looking hurt. “Where’d that come from?”

  The truth is, I have no idea. I really don’t. I just know the words are out there, floating around, already said.

  And there’s nothing I can do to stuff them back into my mouth.

  And I don’t really feel like apologizing for them this time.

  “Has it ever occurred to you,” I demand instead, “that I might rather have a smaller wedding, one that doesn’t require my fiancé having to be gone for the whole summer, working in France, to pay for it?”

  “Is that really what you want, Lizzie?” Luke asks, a bit of acid in his tone. “Because I think that can be arranged. I think your mother already said we could get married in your family’s backyard, with your sisters fighting over who can make the tackiest Jell-O mold, or whatever it is, and your grandmother passed out on the lawn for the entertainment.”

  For a second, it’s as if all activity in the restaurant freezes. I suck in my breath.

  Then Chaz groans, dropping his face into his hands, “Tell me you didn’t just g
o there, man.”

  But Luke only glares at me across the table, his expression defiant. He’s not backing down.

  I am, though.

  Because suddenly, I know what’s going on with me. I know exactly what’s going on with me.

  And what’s going on with me is that I’m done. I can’t take it anymore.

  I snatch up my bag, scoot out from behind the table, and say, “You don’t even know my family. Because in all this time, you’ve still never even bothered to come home with me to meet them.”

  Luke’s expression has lost some of its defiance.

  “Lizzie,” he says. “Look—”

  “No.” I thrust a heavily callused finger in his face. I may not have a pretty manicure like Valencia, but I bet my fingers have created way more lace ruching than hers ever have. I’ve worked my ass off for these calluses. And I’m damned proud of them. “No one disses my grandmother. Especially if they’ve never even met her.”

  “Lizzie,” he says, his expression contrite. “I’m—”

  “No,” I interrupt him. I can barely see him, my vision is so cloudy with tears. But I’m hoping he isn’t noticing that part. “If that’s how you feel about my family, Luke, why don’t you just go marry yourself? Since that’s who you’re obviously so in love with anyway.”

  Okay, not the wittiest of comebacks. But it’s all I can think of in the heat of the moment, what with the tears and all.

  I do see Chaz raise his eyebrows, as stunned as I am by my outburst. Valencia can’t seem to raise her gaze from her wineglass, she’s so embarrassed to be seen with me. But I can’t back down now. I don’t want to back down. Instead, I turn on my heel and stalk out of the room, ignoring Luke as he stands up and says, “Lizzie. Lizzie, come on.”

  Fortunately a waitress bearing a huge tray of Cosmopolitans swoops past me, blocking his path, and I hurry downstairs and outside, toward Perry Street… where a black stretch limo is pulling up just as I step off the curb to look for a cab to flag down. As I peer past the limo, hoping to see a cab with the TAXI sign lit up, meaning it’s available, one of the limo’s rear smoked windows rolls down and a familiar voice calls, “Lizzie? Oh my God.”

  And Ava Geck, wearing a spangled pink tube top beneath a pair of what appear to be white rubber lederhosen, leans out the window and says, “Get in, quick, before anyone sees me.”

  “Ava, what are you doing here?” I am not unconscious of the fact that everyone has already seen her. Everyone gathered in front of the Spotted Pig has looked up from his or her BlackBerry and is whispering, Oh my God! It’s Ava Geck! You know, Get it at Geck’s!

  “Why,” I ask, thoroughly confused, “aren’t you in Greece, Ava?”

  “I’ll tell you in the car,” Ava says. “Please. Just get in.”

  “Ava.” I rub at the tears still sliding around in the corners of my eyes. “What happened? You’re supposed to be getting married tomorrow.”

  “I know,” Ava says. “Just get in, and I’ll explain.”

  “Lizzie!”

  I throw a frantic glance over my shoulder and see Luke coming out the door of the Spotted Pig, his napkin still in one hand.

  I’m surprised—I really hadn’t thought he’d follow me—but I don’t hesitate a second longer. I fling open the closest door to Ava’s limo and dive in.

  “Go,” I yell to the driver. “Please, just go!”

  “Hey,” Ava says as I scramble over her in my haste to grab a seat. “Is that your boyfriend? He’s cute.”

  “Yes,” I say. “Please, can we go? I have to get out of here.”

  “Lizzie.” Luke hurries up to the limo’s still-wide-open window. “Where are you going?”

  “Please go,” I beg Ava’s driver, who surprises me by doing just that.

  And soon Luke, the Spotted Pig, and all the hipsters standing outside it, busily texting with their BlackBerries, are just tiny specks in the distance.

  A HISTORY of WEDDINGS

  The Victorians were the ones who took weddings—as they did almost everything—to a whole other level. The industrial revolution proved that just about anything could be mass-produced, and soon savvy merchants realized that they could convince their wealthier customers not to be content with mere home-baked wedding cakes and homespun bridal gowns… no!

  Now, instead of needing bridesmaids to trick evil spirits or as armed warriors, the modern bride needed them to help with invitations, choosing the cake, floral arrangements, her gown, their gowns—you name it. Pretty crafty of those shop owners, huh?

  And so the wedding as we know it today was born. Alleluia… or curses, as the case may be.

  Tip to Avoid a Wedding Day Disaster

  Wedding costs breakdown, or—who pays for what (Remember, this is traditionally. With today’s more modern couples opting to pay for their weddings themselves, things are changing. But up until recently, the norm was the following):

  The Bride:

  Thank-you gifts for the maid of honor, bridesmaids, and hostess

  The wedding gown, headpiece, and accessories

  The groom’s ring

  Flower-girl basket and ring-bearer pillow

  Hotel accommodations for any attendants who will be arriving from out of town

  The Groom:

  The marriage license

  Thank-you gifts for the best man and groomsmen

  The bride’s engagement ring

  The bride’s wedding ring

  Clothing (tuxedo rental) and accessories

  The bride’s flowers

  Corsages for mothers/grandmothers and boutonnieres for groomsmen

  Clergyman/officiant fee

  Limousine service/transportation to and from the wedding and reception

  Hotel accommodations for any groomsmen who will be arriving from out of town

  The Bride and Groom:

  Wedding pictures

  Miscellaneous accessories (wedding favors, goblets, napkins/ printed items)

  Thank-you gifts for the flower girl and ring bearer

  Thank-you cards

  Any overnight accommodations for themselves

  Their honeymoon arrangements, unless another relative or friend offers to pay for it as a wedding gift

  Parents of the Groom:

  Dress/suit and accessories

  The rehearsal dinner

  Their hotel accommodations

  Bridesmaids:

  Dresses and accessories

  Wedding shower

  Groomsmen:

  Clothing (tuxedo rental) and accessories

  Bachelor party

  Parents of the Flower Girl/Ring Bearer:

  Dress, suit/tuxedo rental, and accessories

  Hotel accommodations if arriving from out of town

  Parents of the Bride:

  Everything else

  LIZZIE NICHOLS DESIGNS™

  • Chapter 11 •

  Marriage is the perfection of what love aimed at, ignorant of what it sought.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803−1882), American essayist, poet, and leader of the Transcendentalist movement

  “What are you and Luke fighting about?” Ava wants to know. She’s cradling Snow White on her slim, tanned thighs. Besides the tube top and white rubber lederhosen, she is also wearing pink suede platform boots. I suppose I should be grateful that both her boobs and crotch are completely covered for once, but rubber and suede… in late June?

  “Just wedding stuff,” I lie to her, although I know I should be nicer and tell her the truth, since she has, in a sense, just rescued me. The only problem is… I don’t know what the truth is, exactly.

  And I actually have more pressing concerns at the moment. Like why I’m in a stretch limo with Ava Geck.

  “Ava, what are you doing here?” I ask. “Why aren’t you in Greece?”

  “I couldn’t go through with it,” Ava says simply, then gasps and seizes my arm. “Oh my God! What happened to you? Lizzie—has Luke been beating you?”

  I look
down at the hives, which have now broken out all over the insides of both my arms. In a way, they do resemble bruises.

  “No,” I say with a laugh, because the idea of Luke ever hitting me is so absurd. I could probably knock him clear into New Jersey. “They’re just hives. I get them every time I think about… you know.”

  “Butt sex?” Ava asks understandingly.

  “No,” I cry, ripping my arm from her grasp. “My wedding. And what do you mean, you couldn’t go through with it? You mean you just… canceled your wedding to Prince Aleksandros?”

  “That’s about it,” Ava says with a sigh, patting Snow White on the head as the poor dog trembles in the icy blast from the limo’s air conditioner. “I was just boarding Daddy’s private jet, and suddenly it hit me: I’m about to become someone’s wife. I was like… are you shitting me? I’m only twenty-three! I haven’t even been to college. What am I doing, becoming someone’s wife? So I jumped back into the car and I’ve been riding around ever since, trying to get my head together.”

  I gaze at Ava, truly touched by her words. Especially since I’m twenty-three too. “So you’ve decided to go to college? Ava, that is so great!”

  “Hell, no, I’m not going to college,” Ava says, looking shocked. “Are you kidding me? I’m just saying there’s so many things like going to college that I haven’t done. I’m not throwing my life away yet on some guy, even if he is a prince. I have shit to do. I don’t know what, but… like, I was thinking I should cut an album. Something classy, you know? Like Hilary Duff.”

  I blink at her. “Well… yes. Yes, that is definitely something you could do.”

  “And I don’t even have my own clothing line yet,” Ava goes on. “My parents own one of the biggest discount department store chains in the world, and I don’t have my own clothing line yet? What the hell am I thinking?”