Princess in Training pd-6 Read online

  Which, you know, reminded me that there was something I needed to know. And a member of the health profession was the perfect person to ask, since I couldn’t go to Yahoo! Health as there wasn’t a computer handy.

  “Nurse Lloyd,” I said, from around the thermometer she’d shoved under my tongue, to make sure I was well and truly cured, and could be sent back to class.

  “Yes, Mia?” She was looking at her watch as she took my pulse.

  “Is it true that if college boys don’t Do It, it backs up?”

  Nurse Lloyd snorted. “Is that one still really going around? Mia, you should know better. You took Health and Safety, didn’t you?”

  “Then…it’s not true?”

  “It most certainly is not.” Nurse Lloyd let go of my wrist and took the thermometer out of my mouth. “And don’t let any of them try to tell you differently. And PS, any condom that’s been in a wallet for an extended period of time should be discarded and replaced with a new one. Friction from movement while carrying the wallet in a pocket can cause tiny holes to develop in the latex.”

  I just stared at her with my mouth hanging open. HOW HAD SHE KNOWN ABOUT THIS?

  Nurse Lloyd just looked down at the thermometer and said, “I’ve been in this job a long time. Oh, look, ninety-eight point six. You’re cured. You can go now, if you want. But before you do, Mia, just one more thing.”

  I looked at her expectantly.

  “You must stop bottling things up inside,” she said. “I know you like to write a lot in your diary—yes, I saw you—and that’s great. But you’ve got to VERBALIZE your feelings as well. Especially if you’re angry or upset with someone. The more you keep it buried inside, the more something like what happened today is going to happen. I know princesses are told to keep a stiff upper lip and all of that, but the truth is, if anyone shouldn’t be letting things get backed up, it’s you. Do you understand me?”

  I nodded. Nurse Lloyd may be the smartest person I have ever met. And that includes all the geniuses I happen to be best friends with or date.

  “Fine. Just let me write you a hall pass,” said Nurse Lloyd.

  Which is what she’s doing now.

  Do you know what?

  NURSE LLOYD IS THE BOMB!!!!!

  Note to self: Tell Tina to make Boris buy a new condom before they Do It on Prom Night.Friday, September 11, third-floor stairwell

  When I came out of the nurse’s office, Lilly was sitting there in the hallway waiting for me. She had three detention slips in her hand, because hall monitors had come around and found her there and written her up.

  But she says she doesn’t care, because she HAD to make sure I was all right. She says she HAD to see me.

  Remembering what Nurse Lloyd had said about not keeping things bottled up inside, I told Lilly I HAD to see her, too.

  So we escaped up here, where no one will find us, unless someone needs to get to the roof. But the only time anyone needs to go to the roof around here is if some kid from the building next door has thrown his Pikachu or whatever out the window, onto the school’s rooftop, and the custodian or the doorman from next door has to come up here to get it.

  Anyway, at first I have to admit I was kind of distant to Lilly, because, hello, she is at least partially responsible for my crying jag. I mean, pens from the palace????

  “But people love them,” was her big excuse. “Seriously, Mia, people are, like, keeping them as souvenirs. Not everyone gets to go live in a palace every summer like you do, Mia.”

  “That’s not the point.” I can’t believe that, even though Lilly is a genius and all, she needs to have stuff like this explained to her. “The point is that you promised me I wouldn’t have to go through with this.”

  Lilly just blinked at me. “When did I say that?”

  “LILLY!” I couldn’t believe it. “You swore I wouldn’t end up having to be student council president!”

  “I know,” Lilly said. “And you won’t.”

  “But you also promised me Lana wouldn’t crush me in a humiliating defeat in front of everyone!”

  “I know,” Lilly said. “She won’t.”

  “LILLY!” I felt like the top of my head was going to blow off. “If Lana doesn’t beat me, I WILL be president.”

  “No, you won’t,” Lilly said. “I will.”

  Now it was my turn to blink. “WHAT? That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “Yes, it does,” Lilly said, calmly. “See, what’s going to happen is, you’re going to win the election—because you’re a princess, and you’re nice to everyone, and people like you. Then, after a suitable period of time—say, two or three days—you’re going to have to—regretfully, of course—step down from the presidency on account of being too busy with the whole princess thing. That is when I, whom you will have appointed your vice president, will have to assume the mantle of presidential responsibility.” Lilly shrugged. “See? Simple.”

  I stared at Lilly, completely dumbfounded.

  “Wait a minute. You’re doing all of this just so YOU can be president?”

  Lilly nodded.

  “But, Lilly…why didn’t you just run, then?”

  That’s when something totally unexpected happened. Lilly’s eyes, behind the lenses of her glasses, totally filled up with tears. Next thing I knew, she was having a crying jag of her very own.

  “Because there’s no way I could ever win,” she said, with a sob. “Don’t you remember how I got crushed in last year’s election? Nobody likes me. Not the way they like you, Mia. I mean, you may be a baby-licker and all, but people seem to be able to relate to you, even with the whole princess thing. NOBODY can relate to me…maybe because I’m a genius, and that’s intimidating to people, or something. I don’t know why, really. I mean, you would think people would want the smartest leader they could find, but instead, they seem perfectly content to elect total MORONS.”

  I tried not to take Lilly’s calling me a moron to heart. After all, she was in the middle of a full-blown personal crisis.

  “Lilly,” I said, astonishedly. “I didn’t know you thought of yourself that way. You know. As not popular.”

  Lilly looked up from the detention slips she was weeping into.

  “Wh-Why w-would I ever consider myself popular?” she stammered, sorrowfully. “Y-You’re the only real friend I’ve got.”

  “That’s not true,” I said. “You have lots of friends. Shameeka and Ling Su and Tina—”

  Lilly started to cry harder at the mention of Tina’s name. Too late, I remembered Boris, and his new hotness.

  “Oh,” I said, patting Lilly on the shoulder. “Sorry. What I meant was…Well, whatever. People DO like you, Lilly. It’s just that sometimes…”

  Lilly lifted her tear-stained face.

  “Wh-What?” she asked.

  “Well,” I said. “Sometimes you’re kind of mean to people. Like me. With the whole baby-licker thing.”

  “But you ARE a baby-licker,” Lilly pointed out.

  “Yes,” I said. “But, you know, you don’t need to SAY it all the time.”

  Lilly rested her chin on her knees.

  “I guess not,” she said with a sigh. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  While I had her in a conciliatory mood, I added, “And I don’t like it when you call me POG or PIT, either.”

  Lilly looked at me blankly.

  “Then what am I supposed to call you?”

  “How about just plain Mia?”

  Lilly seemed to think about this.

  “But…that’s so boring,” she said.

  “But it’s my name,” I pointed out.

  Lilly sighed again.

  “Fine,” she said. “Whatever. You have no idea how good you have it, POG. I mean, Mia.”

  “Good? ME? Please!” I practically burst out laughing. “My life is TERRIBLE right now. Did you SEE what Ms. Martinez gave me on my paper?”

  Lilly wiped her eyes.

  “Well, yeah,” she said. “She W
AS a little harsh. But a B isn’t really that bad, Mia. Besides, I saw your dad headed toward her classroom a little while ago. He looked like he was going to read her the riot act.”

  “Yeah, but what good is that going to do me?” I wanted to know. “I mean, it’s not going to change her mind about my writing talent…or lack thereof. It’s just going to make her, you know. Scared of my dad.”

  Lilly just shook her head.

  “Yeah,” she said. “But at least you have a boyfriend.”

  “Who’s in COLLEGE,” I reminded her. “And who apparently expects—”

  “Oh, please,” Lilly said. “Not that stupid Lana thing again. When are you going to get it through your head that Lana doesn’t know what she’s talking about? I mean, do you see HER dating a college boy?”

  “No,” I said. “But—”

  “Yeah, well, there might be a REASON for that. And if what it says all over the ladies’ room wall is true, it is NOT because Lana has any reservations about Doing It.”

  We both sat there and thought about that for awhile. Then Lilly said, “So, are your mom and Mr. G still going to Indiana for the weekend?”

  “Yes,” I said, and then added quickly, “but there isn’t going to be any party at my place, because I’m staying at the Plaza.”

  “In your own room?” Lilly asked. When I nodded, she said, “Sweet.” Then she said, “Hey, you should have a slumber party.”

  I looked at her like she was crazy.

  “At the hotel?”

  “Sure,” Lilly said. “It’ll be fun. And we need to work on your debate skills, anyway. We could do a mock run-through. How about it?”

  “Well,” I said. “I guess so.”

  Although, I’m not sure how Dad and Grandmère are going to feel about this. My having a slumber party at the Plaza.

  But, oh well. If it’ll make Lilly happy, I guess it’s worth it. I seriously never knew she felt that way about herself. You know, that she’s not popular. I mean, I know Lilly isn’t very popular. But I never knew SHE knew it. She always ACTS like she thinks she’s the queen of the school.

  Who knew it was all for show?

  Now we both have to sit here until the bell for sixth period rings and we can duck back downstairs and mingle with the rest of the hordes. We’re missing Gifted and Talented, but I have my pass from the nurse to show Mrs. Hill on Monday, so she won’t count me absent from today.

  I don’t know what Lilly’s going to do about it. She doesn’t seem to care all that much, either. Really, if you think about it, Grandmère and Lilly could BOTH teach the world a thing or two about acting like a princess.

  Which is kind of scary, if you think about it.Friday, September 11, U.S. Government

  THEORIES OF GOVERNMENT:

  EVOLUTIONARY THEORY

  Darwin theory of evolution—applied government =

  1. Family

  2. Clan

  3. Tribe

  Groups formed to coordinate and manage enterprise of goods and services.

  To maintain internal order and protect from external danger, governmental institutions were formed.

  Wow, this is just like cliques! Seriously! I mean, the way cliques are formed within a school—to protect from external danger. Like, for instance, all of us Geeks bonded together and formed a clique to protect ourselves from being picked on by the Jocks and Cheerleaders, because there is safety in numbers. This explains so much:

  The Sk8terboi clique formed to protect themselves from the Punks

  The Punks formed to protect themselves from the Drama Club

  The Drama Club formed to protect themselves from the Nerds

  The Nerds formed to protect themselves from the Jocks

  And the Jocks formed to protect themselves from…

  Well, I don’t know who the Jocks formed together to protect themselves from.

  But otherwise it’s all making sense now. This is why cliques exist! Darwin was right!!!Friday, September 11, Earth Science

  Magnetic field surrounding Earth due to interior convection currents

  Discovered by Van Allen (radiation belts)

  High radiation zone due to particles, some radioactive and charged, from space and sun

  Aurora borealis caused by interaction of charged particles with the atmosphere

  KENNY’S NEW GIRLFRIEND, HEATHER, ACCORDING TO KENNY:

  1. Has naturally blond hair, and never needs to get her roots touched up

  2. Gets straight A’s and is in all honors classes

  3. Can do a back handspring

  4. Often does them at parties

  5. And in restaurants

  6. Is totally popular at her school in Delaware

  7. Is coming to see him at Thanksgiving

  8. Has her own horse

  9. Never wastes her time watching TV, because she is too busy reading books

  10. Doesn’t have an answering machine

  Which is just as well, because probably no one ever wants to call her, since she doesn’t watch TV, and therefore has nothing to talk about.

  HOMEWORK

  PE: n/a

  Geometry: exercises, pages 42–45

  English: Strunk and White, pages 55–75

  French: ????

  G&T: ????

  U.S. Government: How is Darwin’s theory

  applied to dev. of gov.?

  Earth Science: section 2, Nature of Energetic

  EnvironmentFriday, September 11, the Plaza

  Grandmère felt so badly about having caused me to have a crying jag in the middle of the school day that she insisted on taking me to tea downstairs at the Palm to make up for it.

  Of course, I knew she didn’t REALLY feel bad. I mean, she is GRANDMÈRE, after all. And there WAS press all over the place, trying to get pictures of us eating our scones with clotted cream, so that tomorrow on the front of the Post there’ll be a photo of us sitting there and a big headline that goes Tea 4 2 / Take that, EU! or FU, EU, or something.

  But it was nice to sit there and eat tiny sandwiches with the crusts cut off while Grandmère nattered on about Lana’s pom-pom-shaped squeezy things and how cheap they are and how much more superior our Propriété du Palais Royal de Genovia pens are. Especially, you know, since I hadn’t gotten any lunch due to having spent all of that period in the nurse’s office with a cool cloth on my forehead.

  Grandmère was being so nice on account of the whole feeling guilty thing (note to self: Can someone with borderline personality disorder feel guilt? Check on this.) that I finally just came out and went, “Grandmère, can I have Lilly and Tina and Shameeka and Ling Su over for a slumber party in my room tonight, so we can do a mock debate?” and she went, totally calmly, “Of course, Amelia.”

  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  So, then I got on my cell phone and called them all and invited them. Mr. Taylor had to speak to Grandmère before he would let Shameeka come, to make sure there was going to be adequate supervision and all, but Grandmère carried it off like a champ. By the time she handed the phone back to me, Mr. Taylor was asking if there was anything we wanted Shameeka to bring, like a popcorn popper, or whatever.

  But I assured him that the Plaza would see to all of our needs.

  We sent Grandmère’s maid back to the loft to get my stuff and feed Fat Louie.

  I hope he’ll be all right on his own. It’s going to be weird for him not to have Rocky around. He’s gotten very used to licking all the leftover milk from Rocky’s face every evening, as a sort of midnight snack.

  Note to self:

  Call Mom on cell as soon as her plane has landed and remind her to keep Rocky away from:

  Hay threshers

  Copperhead snakes (native to Indiana, and highly poisonous)

  Pitchforks

  Black widow spiders (their bite is deadly to infants)

  Unpasteurized milk (salmonella)

  Papaw’s La-Z-Boy (Rocky could become wedged inside it and suffocate)

&n
bsp; Farm animals (E. coli)

  Mamaw’s tuna-potato-chip-macaroni casserole (it’s just gross)

  The cellar (escapee from local mental institution could be hiding there) Friday, September 11, the Plaza, room 1620, Time ???? LATE!!!!!!!

  Oh, my God, Ling Su found the coolest quiz online and brought it with her so that we can all do it and find out stuff about ourselves!!!!

  QUIZ

  DO NOT CHEAT!!! NO reading ahead…just answer the questions in order!

  First, get a pen and paper. When you choose names, make sure it’s people you actually know. Go with your first instinct. DO THIS NOW!

  1. First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.

  2. Beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any two numbers you want.

  3. Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex.

  4. Write anyone’s name (like friends or family) in spots 4, 5, and 6.

  5. Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10, and 11.

  DO THIS NOW, WITHOUT READING AHEAD TO THE ANSWERS!!!!!!!!

  Mia Thermopolis’s Answers:

  1. Ten

  2. Three

  3. Michael Moscovitz

  4. Fat Louie

  5. Lilly Moscovitz

  6. Rocky Thermopolis-Gianini

  7. Kenny Showalter

  8. “Crazy in Love”—Beyoncé

  9. “Bootylicious”—Destiny’s Child

  10. “Belle”—Beauty and the Beast

  11. Theme song from Friends

  Answer key:

  1. You must tell (the numbers in spaces 1 and 2) people about this game.

  2. The person in space 3 is the one whom you love.

  3. The person in 7 is one you like but can’t work out.

  4. You care most about the person you put in 4.

  5. The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.

  6. The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.

  7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.

  8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.

  9. The song in 10 tells you most about YOUR mind.

  10. The answer in 11 is the song telling you how you feel about life.

  Oh, my God!!! THIS IS SO CRAZY!!!! IT’S ALL SO TRUE!!!!!!

  Like, Michael is totally the person I love! And Rocky is totally my lucky star! And Lilly is the person who knows me the best! And Fat Louie is the person (or cat) that I care about the most!