Princess Lessons Read online

  • When you receive a congratulatory note from anyone (for instance, upon your ascension of the throne)

  The Sympathy Note

  Princesses are often called upon to show strength in the most tragic of situations. When a member of Parliament or state dies, a princess’s presence is required at the funeral. While it is no longer considered absolutely necessary to wear black at funerals, one should opt for muted colors, such as grays, browns, or beiges.

  Additionally, princesses always send a written note of sympathy to the bereaved. Sympathy notes are much appreciated by people who have lost someone they love. Always handwritten, these notes should, if possible, contain an anecdote about the deceased that the reader can cherish:

  Dear Tante Simone,

  I was deeply saddened to hear of the sudden death of your beloved cat, Monsieur Pomplemousse. Even though I didn’t see Monsieur Pomplemousse all that often, I will never forget the time that I accidentally-on-purpose dropped my foie gras beneath my chair and he ate it all up so that I didn’t have to. Monsieur Pomplemousse really was a cat among cats, and I know I will miss him terribly. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

  Love,

  Mia

  Conversely, if someone close to you dies and you are the recipient of sympathy notes, you must acknowledge them in writing. The notes do not have to be long, but they must be sincere. A good example would be as follows:

  Cher Amelia,

  Your kind note about Monsieur Pomplemousse arrived at a time when I needed the support of my family and friends. It is a great comfort to know that Monsieur Pomplemousse was so beloved, and I want to thank you for writing.

  Sincerely,

  Her Highness Simone Grimaldi

  PRINCESS ON THE PHONE

  Even though the person on the other end of the telephone cannot see you, he or she can certainly hear you. It is important to practice proper telephone etiquette at all times.

  If you are the one being called:

  The best way to answer a telephone is by saying, “Hello.” It is correct to ask, “May I ask who is calling?” if the person on the other end of the phone does not identify him- or herself right away. Furthermore, if the caller is not someone whose name or voice you recognize, you may inform him or her that the person they are trying to reach is busy and cannot come to the phone.

  [Never admit to an unknown caller that you are alone in the house, particularly if your bodyguard has the day off!]

  Call Waiting is convenient and in some homes, necessary. However, it is rude to keep anyone on hold for a long period of time. When answering Call Waiting, it is proper to say to the second caller, “I am afraid I have someone on the other line. May I call you right back?” Then remember to do so.

  If you are the caller:

  It is considered courteous and helpful to identify oneself immediately upon being greeted. The proper way to do this is by saying, “Hello, this is the dowager princess of Genovia. May I please speak to Prince René?”

  Remember: Manners Matter!

  PRINCESS PROTECTION

  by Lars, Protection Specialist

  There are some occasions when politeness doesn’t count, and that’s when you are in personal jeopardy. Princesses have bodyguards to protect them. But you don’t necessarily need a six-foot-six-inch, two-hundred-and-eighty-pound (all hard muscle) Swedish expert in kravmaga like me. You can protect yourself. It’s easy!

  When accosted by an adversary, remember to SING, by applying elbows or knees as hard as you can to your opponent’s

  Solar plexus

  Instep

  Nose

  Groin

  See? SING!!! It’s easy! Anyone can do it.

  Another excellent deterrent to physical attack is the use of the vocal cords. If someone whose motives appear suspicious approaches you, scream. Even if your adversary tells you to stop screaming, keep on screaming until help arrives. In general, screaming so confuses evil-doers, they flee the scene—like frightened little children.

  III.

  A Note from

  Her Royal Highness Princess Mia

  Sad but true: How you dress matters. It shouldn’t—we should all be judged by how we behave, not by how we look. Still, people will totally judge you by what you wear. So you want to show your special uniqueness and own individual brand of style.

  If you go to a school where you have to wear a uniform, like me, your day-to-day wardrobe is not really that big of an issue. If, however, you don’t have uniforms where you go to school, then you have to put together what is called a “school wardrobe.” School clothes are different from what you’d wear to, say, a ball or state dinner. Princesses’ wardrobes differ drastically from normal people’s, because princesses have to be on TV and get photographed a lot. I mean, you don’t want to be wearing your favorite sloppy old sweatshirt while you’re opening the children’s wing you’ve donated to the local hospital. The doctors and patients will think you didn’t care enough about the occasion to dress up…and that could cause an international incident (believe me)!

  People who don’t have to dress up every time they go out (like I do) are lucky. Still, even if you are just going to school, you should try to look cool, while still being comfortable.

  LOOKING GOOD, FEELING BET*

  by Sebastiano, celebrated Genovian fashion designer

  So you want to look like a mod* for the first day of school? Good for you!

  Remem* though…mods get paid to look good! Plus, they get a lot of their clothes for free, no? If you want to look like a mod on the bud* of a norm* girl, here is what you can do:

  Shop at the outs.* Everyone has outs somewhere near their home. Very good deals can be found at outs.

  Save your mon* all sum* and then one day before school starts, go with friends to an out. When you get to the out, don’t just spend, spend, spend. Buy what you need.

  What ev* girl needs for back-to-school ward* is this:

  • One pair good-fit jeans, blue

  • One pair good-fit jeans, black

  • One pair good-fit slacks, any color

  • Two sweat* sets, any color

  • Two blouse, any color

  • T-shirts, many colors

  • 1 skirt, above the knee (but not too much)

  • 1 skirt, below the knee (but above ankle)

  • Socks, any colors

  • Tights/panty*

  • Bras, under*

  • One pair slip-on shoes, low heel

  • One pair ten* shoes

  • One pair slip-on shoes, higher heel

  • One pair boots, knee-high

  • One ski jack*

  • One black coat, knee-length

  You should be able, from the previous list, to put togeth* a doz* or so great looks that will last all year. Mix and match! Use your imag*! Be creat*! Bor* your moth’s* scarves and necks*! Wear them wrap* around your head! Who cares what peop* say? If they no like your outfits, they no like Sebastiano, no? Experi* with fash* is only way to know what look is best for you. Only please, for Sebastiano’s sake, no princess would ever wear:

  • Too short miniskirt

  • Tube top

  • Too short shorts

  • Thigh-high boots

  • Stilettos

  • Fishnets

  • Anything fuchsia

  [Sebastiano has obviously never been to a dance at Albert Einstein High School.]

  DRESS LIKE A PRINCESS

  by Her Royal Highness Clarisse Renaldo, Dowager Princess of Genovia

  How you look on the outside reflects how you feel on the inside, and a slovenly appearance symbolizes an uncultured mind. All the truly great thinkers of the past century—Princess Grace of Monaco, Audrey Hepburn, and of course, Eva Gabor—were always impeccably dressed. So put away your dungarees and tennis shoes and prepare to learn how to dress like a royal.

  [Plato was a great thinker, and all he ever wore was a bedspread.]

  Lingerie />
  Bras in tones of white or neutral—as well as one in black, but only to be worn with that essential little black dress. Never, never, never wear a black bra with a white shirt.

  [This assumes, of course, that you actually have something to put in a bra, unlike me.]

  Girdles, again in white or neutral. One black, for abovementioned dress.

  [Girdles! I suppose she means control-top panties. Why a princess should be forced to conform to the Western standard of idealized beauty—the androgynous silhouette—is beyond me; although the Duchess of York tried that whole letting-it-all-hang-out thing, and it didn’t really work out for her.]

  Slips: one black (again for aforementioned dress), one of white cotton to be worn starched under full summer skirts.

  [Slips are what they had before anyone invented Static Guard. Although it is probably better just to wear a slip than to use Static Guard, due to the release of fluorocarbons contributing to our rapidly disintegrating ozone layer.]

  Basics

  Five or more suits in muted tones of blue or gray, for luncheons, teas, meetings of state, secret assignations, etc.

  [Suits are to Grandmère what T-shirts and jeans are to the rest of us.]

  Black dress of taffeta, silk, light wool, velveteen, or faille.

  [Except that Grandmère says it is inappropriate for girls under the age of eighteen to wear black unless they are attending a state funeral. Um, hello. Clearly, Grandmère has never been below Fourteenth Street, where, if you are not wearing black and do not have at least one tattoo, you stick out like a PETA member at a bullfight.]

  Formal gown, in tones of pale blue, pink, white, or jonquil.

  [No red. Never red, unless you want to look like Nancy Reagan.]

  Outerwear

  Camel-hair coat: The perfect coverall from morning to night. Look for a box cut or flare cut to slip easily over skirts with crinolines.

  [Contrary to what I first thought, camel-hair coats aren’t actually made from real camel hide, so you don’t have to worry about having murdered a dromedary while wearing one. Oh, I almost forgot: CRINOLINES!!! HA HA HA HA!!!]

  Chinchilla cape: No princess should be without one.

  [Um, excuse me, but have you ever seen a chinchilla in a pet store? They are the cutest, cuddliest animals you can imagine. Like chipmunks that got rolled in cotton candy. Wearing a cape made out of hundreds of little dead chinchillas? Yeah, so not something this princess would ever do.]

  Raincoat: Because sometimes, in spite of everything, it rains, even on princesses.

  Shoes

  Loafers, preferably hand sewn, and from Italy.

  [I think it is okay to wear shoes made out of leather because people—not me, but other people—eat beef, so at least you know the cows aren’t being slaughtered merely for their hides.]

  One pair of black pumps, heel no higher than two inches.

  [Especially if a two-inch heel will make you as tall as your boyfriend. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.]

  Evening sandals of gold or silver to be worn with formal gown.

  [The preferred shoe for this princess is black leather, with yellow stitching. Yes, I am talking about combat boots! Combat boots are the most comfortable thing you can wear (that’s why soldiers wear them: they have to march for miles and miles, sometimes in inclement weather).

  Plus combat boots make a statement. They say: I refuse to conform to the petty rules laid out by society’s fashionistas. I am just me, Mia Thermopolis, princess, Greenpeace-supporter and high school student!!!!]

  Combat boots are not suitable footwear for a princess.

  Accessories

  Simple strand of perfectly matched pearls for everyday wear.

  [Did you know that when a pearl is extracted from an oyster, the oyster dies? So really, if you wear pearls, there is a pile of dead oysters somewhere.]

  Matching pearl stud earrings.

  [Two dead oysters.]

  Tasteful diamond studs, no smaller than one carat each, no larger than three—a princess is never flashy.

  [I learned in World Civ that it is really important to make sure that your diamonds were not mined in a foreign country that uses child slave labor or engages in guerrilla warfare with neighboring villages. This is something I have noticed they do not mention in those Diamonds Are Forever ads.]

  Tiara, seventy-five carats at least, for formal occasions.

  [See child labor/guerrilla warfare comment re: diamond studs.]

  White cotton elbow-length gloves.

  [These are actually very handy. When you are wearing white gloves no one can see how badly you bit your fingernails while you were watching Smallville.]

  With a wardrobe of these items, no woman—peasant or princess—can ever go wrong. From royal weddings to Wimbledon, she will always be dressed to perfection. And looking the part is, of course, key to being the part.

  [But I think it might be more princesslike if you took the money you would have spent on this wardrobe and donated it to Bide-A-Wee, the animal welfare organization whose no-kill adoption centers have found homes for more than one million unwanted pets in the century they have been in operation. But that is just my opinion.]

  Grandmère’s ideal

  Mia’s reality

  PROPER TIARA MAINTENANCE

  An essential part of any young princess’s wardrobe is, of course, her tiara. There are many different types of sparkling head ornaments, from the decorative comb to the ermine-lined papal miter. But perhaps the most recognizable archetype of princesshood is the tiara.

  Tiaras are correctly worn approximately two to three inches from the beginning of the hairline. Too close to the hairline gives one a slightly Neanderthalic look: too far back, and the tiara will not be visible in those all-important photos released to the press.

  A tiara may never be worn at breakfast. In fact, it is gauche to don one’s tiara before eleven in the morning, except in the event of a state funeral or royal wedding.

  Additionally, tiaras must not be worn:

  • Swimming

  • Horseback riding

  • Waterskiing

  • Beneath hard hats while touring construction sites

  • During a coup d’état

  [Also, it’s a good idea not to take your tiara out of its carrying case while you’re in a moving vehicle or on a plane, because it could fly out of your hand and poke an innocent bystander in the eye. Not that this ever happened to me. Except that one time.]

  IV.

  A Note from

  Her Royal Highness Princess Mia

  You are probably as surprised as I was to find out that being a princess isn’t all about being graceful and having good manners and what you wear. There’s a bunch of other stuff, involved, too…like being kind to those who are less fortunate than you, and being socially aware. This type of thing is called Character.

  You don’t have to have been born royal to have good character. In fact, I know a bunch of people who aren’t in the least bit royal who have a lot of very princesslike qualities.

  They, like me, are striving to achieve self-actualization. How do you achieve self-actualization? Well, here are some tips that might help you along your way.

  JUNGIAN TREE OF

  SELF-ACTUALIZATION

  To gather the FRUITS of life, you must start by growing a solid foundation of ROOTS:

  Acceptance

  Peace

  Creativity

  Contentment

  Purposefulness

  Fulfillment

  Health

  Self-motivation

  Happiness

  Joy

  Jungian theory states that by developing the characteristics below, you will reap the awards above:

  Compassion

  Love

  Enthusiasm

  Charity

  Warmth

  Forgiveness

  Friendship

  Kindness

  Gratitude

  Trust<
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  See? It’s easy. Be a nice person, and you will not only seem like a princess, but you’ll also achieve complete spiritual harmony!

  HOW TO MAKE A FRIEND

  by Hank Thermopolis, male supermodel and recent transplant to New York City from Versailles, Indiana

  So you are starting at a new school/modeling agency and you don’t know anyone. That ain’t an excuse to just go sit in a corner by yourself! The only way you’re gonna make friends is to be…well, friendly! Smile at people. Say howdy. Don’t butt in on anybody’s private conversation, but if you overhear a group of folks talkin’ about a movie you just saw, say, “Hey! I saw that! Wasn’t it cool when that giant alien bit off that guy’s head?” or something like that.

  If you’re one of them shy types, try this: Find another shy type. When she’s off by herself with her head stuck in a library book, go up to her and be all, “Howdy, I’m new here. Can you tell me where the portfolio drop-off is?” Sure, she might tell you to get lost. But chances are she won’t. Then you’ve just made a friend!